wrote to my therapist after i blogged on saturday, said basically the same thing in the email that i said here. asked for wisdom, he reminded me that caretaking any of them is destructive to me and recommended that i think of someone i can refer the son to if it becomes about HIM and HER, i knew that his uncle (a friend before they poisoned him with their version of how mean i was to them) would be good - and the family should know if things are hard between them. i was glad to be prepared as he shared how hard things were, how much his parents were fighting and how scared he was for his sister as his mother thinks she should be held back next year because she isn't getting her home schooling as well as she should (poor little girl). i can't imagine the stress. told him i would pray and that i thought maybe his uncle would be a good resource because he understands the family dynamic well. i also encouraged him to take a walk with his father and tell him how he feels.
the other thing my therapist encouraged was changing metaphor, from the tentacles pulling me back in to something that i have control over. he started with a cupboard, that i can open and close - and set aside and then he talked about mail, how it's not the kind of thing we leave lying around or keep forever. so i really liked that one, and termed contact junk mail, sometimes informative, usually not life changing and can be recycled regularly.
i can't tell you how much that helped. even makes me smile when i think of it.
i told him that i realized that one of the good things that came from this was that i realized how tangled my emotions were around her still - i have worked through a lot of my stuff with him and don't find that i have nearly the amount of emotion or tie-in that i used to - so i need to write out my stuff on her and process the emotion behind it.
so in case any more junk mail comes by the house at least now i know what to do with it.