emerging sideways...

12 years

2011-10-15T12:51:00.004-03:00

yesterday i celebrated a 12 year anniversary of my abstinence for my sexual addiction and 12 years without chocolate. not many people to share that with, so i thought i'd mark it here. yay me. odaat

hope this finds you all well

2 posts in one day...

2011-06-17T10:34:00.003-03:00

need a place to vent. recovery friend is standing on my last nerve today and i need to organize my thoughts so that i don't have future amends to make...

it has also triggered mom memories and for that i am grateful, but i have been re-living some of my most painful memories with my mother this morning.

my daughter's best friend is this woman's daughter. and yesterday she called needing help getting ready for her graduation. my friend had taken a shift on the day her 8th grade daughter graduated from middle school. this young girl had no one to help her get ready for her grad and her grad dance and she asked my daughter to help. i knew my daughter might be stepping into a land mine, so i suggested she come here, instead of getting ready by herself alone at home.

i have sensed that this woman, who has lived in our community just under a year now, leans toward narcissism. last night it was confirmed and i watched as she humiliated her daughter in my home, blamed me for it and made it all about her. i relived moments of my own teen years as i saw the daughter fold herself into tight places, her joy of the event stolen and her mother shame, blame and excuse herself for taking an extra shift on her daughter's big day.

i had volunteered the night before to help her. it was brushed aside and was told she wouldn't need any help. i took the little time i had with my family before my meeting last night and cared for this girl. i fed her, flat ironed her hair, gave her little hippy braids to tie back her hair, painted her toes and finger nails - the whole spa treatment. mom came just as i was finishing her nails and crushed us both and had a temper tantrum in my home in front of my children.

i awoke this morning to a "i'm sorry you" email from her and it just iced the cake. i want to blast this woman a new one, but know that will only succeed in driving her further into her martyrdom and blaming. so i'm processing here so that i am calm enough when the next interaction happens...

this has re-framed so much of my childhood - helped me see why i feel responsible for everything around me. so much blame. so much shame. so much martyrdom. because mom was so sick it masked a lot of her worst behavior. her life sucked and we all knew it. but the blame for that suckiness was never her own. she never took responsibility for it. she always put it on me. always.

looking back i am amazed at how clear certain events are now. any large event that cast any light on me (or off of her) was regularly highjacked to be all about her and how difficult her life was because she had to help me with mine. she then used every excuse in the book to make her behaviour okay and mine intolerable.

this daughter is a joy. she is so helpful and sweet. she is being remade into the mother in this relationship and it's so obvious to me in watching this that is what happened to me too. while this was a total pain in the ass, i am so grateful for the living color illustration it has brought...

now where do we go from here?

dear sugar

2011-06-17T10:30:00.004-03:00

not sure if you're reading sugar, but i highly recommend it - this post about healing from sexual abuse and sex in marriage is so good - want to make sure if anyone hits my blog looking for any help they find it:

Of course you’re right that the sexual abuse your wife experienced as a child may be the reason for her aversion to sex, but it may not be. The good and bad things that happen to our bodies at the hands of others plays out in unpredictable ways over time. It’s folly to draw a straight line between two things when one of those things is sex. Perhaps your wife has made that line so straight and bright that it’s become precisely her problem: she cannot break the thread that runs in her psyche between the abuse and you.

Healing is about breaking threads and making new ones. It’s about redrawing the line between our powerlessness and our power. I don’t agree with you that those who’ve suffered sexual abuse can’t ever heal completely. I think we’re altered by what hurts us, but with love and consciousness, with intention and forgiveness, we’re capable of being whole again. Completely.

I believe myself to be healed. I know a lot of sexual abuse survivors who are. We’re here. We’re waving to you from the other side. We’re taking it all off. We’re getting down and some of us are even getting dirty. We hope your wife will join us.

read the whole column here: Dear Sugar, Sugar on the Rumpus: The Three Year Dry Hump

celebrating an 11 year milestone today

2010-10-14T07:35:00.001-03:00

no time to blog, but wanted to mark my 11 year anniversary of abstinence from my sexual addiction and it has officially been 11 years since i have had chocolate. i have also sat at the side of my bed every night and read the "next" section of the bible, no meditation or thinking, just showing up. one day at a time. thank you god for these past 11 years of sanity and sobriety. i wouldn't be alive today without them. miss you all. wish i had more time to write. oh, and i turned 45 yesterday! :)

is it any wonder i'm so f*cked up?

2010-09-28T20:53:00.003-03:00

welcome to my childhood...

The Playboy Club on Madmen...The View is Better From Up Here

have you ever had a salad served to you by a woman w/ a bunny tail glued to her ass? i have - 6 years old. they had one of these in my home town - it was a resort and my aunt was the head of catering. my father was a "key holder" - we had dinner there at least 3 times i can remember. six years old.

i was flipping through the channels last night - they just changed our cheap cable to include amc - i have watched the first 2 seasons of "mad men" as the time frame is totally my growing up years, but i missed season 3 - and didn't really want to watch 1/2 way into this season, but i couldn't turn the channel when this came on - i was instantly transported back to this horror. how could anyone think this was a good place to bring your wife & daughters? oh my stinkin' heck.

other than that life is good, celebrating 24 years of marriage w/ liam today.

have a good one! miss you all.

custer's first stand...

2010-07-26T04:37:00.006-03:00

so my dad is here.

since wednesday.

and in the middle of all of this i have been working like a dog to get my friend's house market ready. she moved out of town about a year ago. the bankruptcy of her husband's "flip that house dreams" and some dalliance in infidelity on her part left them ashamed and quick to move on. they should have sold their home at that time, but didn't have the heart to kick their daughter out in her last year of university in our town, so it became a bit of a frat house. no real destruction, but lots of neglect. i needed the money and had the time, and have a huge heart for their story, and when pushed to admit it still very co-dependent with her. because she is 12 hours away i thought that i could help, when it still looked much more like rescue.

anyway - i finished yesterday and was downstairs doing laundry when my dad struck up a conversation about his new favorite tv preacher. ugh. tired and already itchy from his old-time-religious language in the five days we have been together i listened quietly. then he gave me his new book, he ordered 4 copies to make sure that everyone he loved had one. i was touched, but sensing the beginnings of the allergic reaction i have to that kind of conversation. he had his back to me as i thumbed through the book quickly trying to assess what stripe of religion this man was peddling.

self-taught, proof texting, itinerant guy who wants to teach everyone how to "interpret scripture" biblically. ugh. the hives begin to crawl over my skin and i can feel my throat start to contract. must get air....

and he goes on like he's found a new best friend. he is smitten, in love, a twitter. the only thing i can do when he asks me if it's what i believe and what i learned a 'bible college' is say that i have learned over the years that when people aren't building a theology in community you can make scripture say anything you want it to say. removed from the context of accountability (tried to use his language) there is a danger that can come from being a person with that much authority and no balance of responsibility. people like that can be dangerous and that is how cults can form. i said i knew nothing of him but can see from his book that he has never learned in community and isn't within a context of people and that makes me concerned that he could be dangerous.

well that set him off. he grabbed is big old fat bible, whipped it open and shaking threw it in my face - THE verse. the biggie. see i knew you didn't take this seriously anymore. read this, how can you do the things you do, preaching now - this verse tells you you are to be silent and ask you husband if you need to know anything...blah, blah, blah...

by this time i had sat down. and i knew that i had a choice. absolutely exhausted. filthy from work, stressed by having my safe home invaded and knowing that all of the work outside of my house had left my own in need of a lot of attention. i could choose to shut down like my programming had wired me to. know when to fold 'em, know when to hold 'em, know when to walk away... should have run. didn't fold.

i blasted him with both barrels - and once i got going there was NO way to stop.

i said every last thing i have wanted to say to him for 44 years. screeching, bawling, shaking my finger in his face. i was the banshee - and it felt so damn good.

"how can you who spends 23 hours a day watching television, goes to one hour of church a week, and it's even a church that doesn't even believe this shit. how can you come here and judge me, who has devoted herself to serving god since i was 13 years old? you don't know anything about me or my relationship with god. all i have ever wanted in my whole entire life is not big money, or fame or power - but just for you to once look at me and the life i live and say 'i don't get it, but i am so proud of you' - just once"

"if my preaching is a sin, then so is your judgment of me - you have no right to throw this at me, you don't live by this ugly theology and you never have - i lived every jot and tittle for 30 years of my life and you know what? it doesn't work - and you know it - you know that the house you raised me in wasn't that story book christianity you like to spew - you know that mom hated the silence even more than i did" bam, bam, bam.

it was never how i wanted it to happen, but i honestly can say that i don't regret it. i finally stood up to that man who has tried to keep my feet in those tiny, little shoes.

"YOU NEVER LOVED ME FOR WHO I WAS, you wanted a son, you never loved a daughter, you have never even honored the female parts of me that you always told me were all i had, my home, my family, my silence - you only ever acknowledged me for the male things i did, playing sports, killing animals, scraping their flesh off their bones - those were the only things you ever gave me attention for"

pink heard me 2 stories up. and i was so glad.

"for the past 10 1/2 years i have read the bible, every night before bed, 10 1/2 years! you think i wipe my butt with those pages, but i have devoted my life to those pages, it's all i have ever wanted and i am really good at it. peoples lives, even mens lives are changing because i am telling my story. in your paradigm i haven't even erred, my husband, my pastors, the leaders in my church - all of the people in the umbrella of authority i'm supposed to live my life under (his language, not mine) are inviting me to use the gifts that god has given me. they are all cheering for me - all except you - and guess what - you have given away any authority you have over my life to my husband and god loves me enough to not have me married to a cave man!"

i think i went on for about 5 straight minutes. then he looked at me, cocked his head and said "i guess you've been waiting a long time to tell me that. i think you'll sleep better tonight."

i think the volume and emotion actually cracked a bit in him that an honest conversation (like we had in oregon 2 summers ago - and i had intended to have again) wouldn't have. and it empowered me to know that i honestly really don't need his approval or support. he is a weak, small little man who i love deeply, but have given far too much power over me for far too long.

as i sat on the edge of my bed last night i remembered my word for this year - blaze. i smiled as i realized that the fire burns as it purifies.

i apologized after for the way in which i said those things and that i had wanted to hurt him for the hurt i had felt all of those years. he hugged me and told me that he tells everyone else how much he thinks of me. never could use the words, but i don't really need to hear them anymore.

i am proud of me and mom would be too.

how much god loves me

2010-07-19T05:24:00.006-03:00

do you want to know how much god loves me and my recovery? i found out yesterday and am amazed.

i live in a small university town, it's a very distinctive school, attracts very creative, postmodern people of faith who really care about the world. many people relocate here later in life to change course - kind of like me, so we regularly have new families move into our community and it's always very exciting. i had been hearing rumblings of that very thing and it creates a lot of energy and excitement because they usually have kids and we're all very curious as to what grades they will be in and if our kids will have new friends soon.

i was at our community's summer fun spot yesterday picnicking with friends and the mum of the new family had arrived early, she had immigration issues to sort out so that her family could follow her soon. i watched her engage in the group, wondering if she was going to be the type of person i would naturally click with. she was eating health food and so very tiny - i judged from a distance that she was kind and outgoing, but figured that we'd be acquaintances, but probably not friends.

i hung back throughout the day as she conversed with others and i had some great talks with friends, watched my kids kayak, swim and ride the atvs. at the very end of the day i heard her talking about hopping borders and how it makes buying a home so difficult, establishing residency and all of the other big stuff of international moves. i waited until there was a break in the conversation and introduced myself and said that i had just been through all of those things recently and would be more than happy to help with anything. she said "oh, i know who you are and i have to give you a great big hug!"

she comes over to me, gives me a huge squeeze, kisses my cheek and whispers in my ear "i'm a recovering compulsive overeater and bulimic and i heard your talks on the drive up here and i couldn't wait to meet you!"

she told me that she had to drive an hour to get to a meeting back in her home state and how when they were considering their move back here (she did some of her undergrad at the university years ago) she skeptically checked the OA website to see if there were any meetings and found out that there was one, not only in the town she was moving to, but that met in the very church she already called home.

this meeting has been a constant frustration for me recently. the woman i started with is in full blown relapse (and angry at me), her husband who kept coming for months after couldn't do the pull between both worlds and stopped coming and hasn't been seen for months and the two newbies who do come really just want to loose weight without all of that 12 steps stuff and one of them is the wife of the couple with whom i have had all of the painful history. (who liam and i have sent a letter asking for mediation because our community is so small that i can't be in the same room with them without it causing me great amounts of stress - but they have blown off, not acknowledged and acted like everything is "normal") she is the master of denial and lives in such a self constructed world - i don't know how she does it as she acts like my best friend in group, still invites us to get togethers, but when it comes time to anything below the surface she fades and folds.

in a recovery group of 3 people it makes a meeting much less than one could hope for.

the beauty of the program is that it is so strong that the routine and the prayers are enough for me - but in a small town i did not know if there would ever be real kindred souls who get recovery enough to find an echo of support f2f again. this changes everything.

so the hug and deep conversation after left us both teary and rejoicing that god's will for my life has presents like this along the way.

cool brain study on addiction and relapse

2010-07-13T13:59:00.002-03:00

great article on why "cheating" on a food plan engages the worst parts of us - useful for all addictive behaviors:

Extinction Burst

a modern tragedy

2010-07-12T06:34:00.002-03:00

via ffffound!

The Pride of Imperfection

2010-07-10T10:24:00.001-03:00

WOW - as I finish up my step 7 work this week I needed this kick in the pants - would LOVE a friend like this in my life who can speak the truth so plainly to me:

All this preoccupation with your own imperfection is not humility, but an insidious form of spiritual pride. What do you expect to be? A saint? There are desperately few of them; and even they found their faults, which are the raw material of sanctity remember. You know best when and how you fall into these various pitfalls. Try and control yourself when you see the temptation coming. Pull yourself up and make an act of contrition when you catch yourself doing any of the things.

Never allow yourself to be pessimistic about your own state. Look outward instead of inward; and when you are inclined to be depressed and think you are getting on badly, make an act of thanksgiving instead because others are getting on well. The object of your salvation is God's Glory, not your happiness. So, be content to help, remaining yourself in the lowest place. Merge yourself in the great life of the Christian family. You have tied yourself up so tight in that accursed individualism of yours--the source of all your difficulties--that it is a marvel you can breathe at all.

Source: The Letters of Evelyn Underhill

step 5

2010-04-26T07:03:00.002-03:00

spent saturday driving to the middle of absolute nowhere to meet my sponsor to give my step 5. we live about four hours away from each other, so we split the difference and met 1/2 way. we sat at a place called "the million dollar view" and it was beautiful. my family drove with me and sacrificed a lovely saturday trying to find something to do in the middle of nowhere. god bless them. we really had no idea it was so far from anything. they are good sports.

as i sat in her car, this woman who is committed to me, but nearly a stranger - i felt safe and assured that she was the right one to hear this. it is the fifth time i have done the fifth step. each time scraping away at the debris as i climb this spiral staircase known as the 12 steps. each time i pass by the familiar parts of my life - sometimes i have to face again the similar things because they still cause pain or i still have resentments. but surprisingly each time there are things that no longer push that button or pull that puppet string like they used to. and i am amazed. in awe of the process. things that used to baffle us....

it was a totally new process this time, really well done, charts based on the big book wording done in such an intuitive, nearly inspired way - i made connections this time through that i have never made before. it was a really good process.

i did have to face the crap from these past 2 years though and i did not like that one bit. face first in the refuse pile is not my favorite place to be. i had to admit my part in my community falling apart. i had to face my pain and resentments toward those who had hurt me so badly and i had to own my own desperate need for attention and approval and know that in these next few steps there will need to be amends made and character defects given to god.

it was grueling at times. face first. god help me. admitting my greatest character defect, my desperate need for approval and attention from spiritual men in authority (whatever the hell that means - and yes, i am untangling it) - mostly my dad - and the lack thereof has torn off a piece of my shielding and left me so vulnerable.

as i spoke with liam this week i acknowledged that there could not have been a more "perfect cocktail" prepared for me than the person i struggled with for the past two years. it truly has very little to do with him - but our velcro of needs pulled us together in a fearful way and it leaves me scared that it could happen again. we have not had any meaningful contact in ages. but the fear remains.

his wife means so much to me - she is in my recovery group and the hardest part of all of this has been my desire for absolution from her. i know this probably will fall into that place of 'more harm than good' - she is in great denial of this whole process. i am not the only woman her husband has sought out - this is far greater than just me - but for my part i truly want to look her in the eyes and apologize. having to admit that i wanted to "beat her" in the competition for his attention (to even the score on all of the great and wonderful things she has that i do not) was absolutely the lowest point in my recent history. i wanted to wretch when i had to first write it down, and again when i said it to god, again to myself, and thirdly to another human being... so i'm writing it here now too - hoping against hope that it will lessen it's shame as i truly don't know if i will ever be able to make direct amends.

i know that amends are 3 steps away - and wisdom and strength will be given when the time is needed, but today it still holds so much power over me, and i want it gone for today. i feel so weak, so needy and nearly desperate to fill myself back up. i am shaky, physically feeling wrung out and wanting to isolate myself in a deep way.

i have an hour or so left of reflection before i move on to step six. i will be spending time with god and the big book and looking back at the process and answering a few questions. my sponsor has also given me a mantra. 10x a day when i wake up and 10x a day before i go to sleep. it's only three lines - but i am having a horrible time remembering it. i can't even type it from memory right now - so i am searching for where i wrote it down.

found it...

i am capable
i am competent
and i am worthy.

couldn't remember competent. those words choke in my throat. i know that one day i might believe them. today i am turning them into an art piece to place next to my bed so i won't forget or have an excuse. i also found a sheet that has prayers for each step from an old OA newsletter. this is the one for step 5:

higher power,
my inventory has shown me who i am,
yet i ask for your help in admitting my wrongs to another person and to you.
assure me, and be with me, in this step, for without this step i cannot progress in my recovery.
with your help, i can do this and will do it. amen.

i am capable
i am competent
and i am worthy.

fake it till ya make it, eh? i can do this, and i will do this. amen.

laying it down

2010-04-19T22:52:00.004-03:00

felt ever so much better after writing that last post. kind of like i didn't have to stress and carry it around afterward because i knew i could come back and read it if i needed to - thanks for helping me to carry the load.

just read this post by eli and it touches me so very deeply. as both a sexual abuse survivor and a sexual addict i feel their pain. it has been so difficult for liam and i to renegotiate intimacies since the memories started again. more clues, images and links.

a few months ago i found some of my mum's old papers as i have carried them over hill and dale for the past 20 years - thought i might start to sort them to see if any of it was worth keeping. started to read old letters from the end of her senior year in high school forward. they told of her attending college - not just working there - but actually attending and dropping out. WHAT? that was never part of the narrative before. shortly after she moved to the state she met my father in and they were married soon after and had me a year later. i so wonder if she got pregnant. it would be just like my family to keep this big of a secret. it might have just been finances and the shame of that kept her silent too - either way they both tie into what i am wondering through in my own story. money and sex and secrets... apple doesn't fall far from the tree i guess. am debating a phone call to my great aunt to pick her brain. it's been so long since we talked though that i don't know how it would be received...

see my therapist tomorrow. glad of that. feeling the need for some wisdom and a fresh perspective. he's always really good at that. it's like he takes the broken clay pot i show him and he turns it about 30* and says "have you ever seen it from this side?" and usually i am astounded at how differently things look in a new light. i really like that about him.

buck shared with me at bedtime last night that he stumbled on a website that had pictures he didn't want to see, but kept looking. we have had many talks about guarding your heart and building muscles within ourselves that help us to say no. i showed him google reader tonight and told him about how it helps me to keep from seeing images that i would struggle with. he knows in his 10 year old version that mom has struggles of her own. it means so much to me that he knows he's not going to get in trouble or shamed, but that talking about it strips it of it's secrecy and power - and that forgiveness is way better than secrets. love that boy so much. i can't imagine trying to grow up to be a man in this culture with free access to everything. god please help him.

highway robbery

2010-04-12T11:19:00.002-03:00

i haven't been here in ages, hadn't really needed to i guess... should have probably come back about a month ago when the memories started surfacing. damn.

the first time i went looking for them. life wasn't making sense and i needed those puzzle pieces so that i could understand things that weren't working well, my body image, my sex life, my intimacy with liam. recovering that memory helped so much.

this time though things were really beautiful. the memories are interfering. i know that means i am ready, that i shouldn't be afraid - but i am - and they are making a mess of my emotions and sanity. i am still abstinent - but food too many times has looked like a solution. food was always my safety addiction so that i didn't mess with my sexual addiction. these memories are messing with my sex life, with my relationship with liam.

surrogate abuser crap is surfacing again and i hate it. he (liam) is gentle and understanding - he's never hurt me knowingly. he is kind and patient. when he was leaning over the fire the other night coaxing it to life again i had the impulse to beat him with the andirons. where the hell did that come from? i told him about it this morning before we made love. it had been weeks. i knew we both needed it, but i just wasn't able to find myself there in both body and spirit. it had been so good before the memories. damn.

i have always known that there were more. being orally raped in a bathroom doesn't explain the panic i have when i am trapped in covers or the way i spread my legs any time any male came near me (tickle fights as a kid were abruptly stopped by the guys when they realized things went from innocent playful to me being submissive). i connected those memories about two months ago. even casual make outs with boys in my teens years were awkwardly ended because i engaged sexually when they were not there - i scared them - and had no idea i had done it.

how does a young girl learn that spreading her legs is the go-to response when a male is near her? damn.

i have no active memories of any full-on rapes. they are currently blocked from my active memory. i do have a memory from my early childhood that plays like a freaky, twin peaks episode in my head. i am laying on a bed - probably six years old - and a seven year old playmate is on top of me, either truly having sex with me - or playing at it - and there is another playmate sitting on the floor - peeking over the edge of the bed - he is an albino boy, son of the friends of my parents - his name was charlie - and i am saying to him "it's okay charlie, we're married." his pink eyes and white hair have been seared into my memory bank.

that's all i have. other than the reoccurring nightmare of my childhood - where i am dorothy from the wizard of oz - and the tin man, lion and scarecrow begin as my friends and then they come at me, my feet trapped in cement and they smother me. i always woke up terrified, freezing and soaked in pee.

lately i have been having conversations around money and my inability to grow up around it. i have a lot of magical thinking around money. i realized that by not working outside the home for the past 14 years having to re-enter the work force has triggered some deep emotions. i am a professional organizer and am really good at it - and while people would want to pay me for my services i would never let them. it always made me feel uncomfortable. i'd rather "god take care of me" or have my dad rescue me with "gift" money - somehow none of that made me uncomfortable - but being paid made me feel dirty.

i was having a conversation about money with someone i deeply respect and i said something about my magical thinking around "god taking care of me" and he got a smirk on his face, a kind one - and i said "yes, i know i need to grow up with money" and he said "i would have never said that out loud, but since you did, yes, that is exactly what i was thinking". it was such a gracious conversation that it allowed me to begin to really think this all through.

i awoke in the middle of the night a couple of weeks ago and i was wide awake and very peaceful. i usually would read with a book light until i was tired enough to fall back to sleep, or it was late (5:30 ish) enough to get out of bed - but i just sensed that i was supposed to get up. i went into the living room and stoked the fire and sat on the edge of the footstool and just said "okay god. i'm up. what? i need some clues here about why i can't seem to grow up around money" and it was like a curtain opened. it was there. i knew that i knew that i knew that somehow money was involved in the rapes. i was somehow paid, or hushed with money. and that was why it made me feel so dirty.

i just sat there and wept the most comforted tears. those kind of answers bring me so much healing. i hate that it's true. i hate that it happened. but now i know that i can begin to grow up. and the best part was knowing this time that it wasn't that bastard god who "ordained it" to happen. it was as if i knew that god was witness to the horror, and that he remembers even if i couldn't. and that he has carried them for me, grieving the whole time and waiting for me to be strong enough to carry them myself.

i hate that not only did this person (people) screw with my sex life and body image - but they also screwed with my livelihood and my ability to support myself. i am 44 years old and have never, ever been paid well for anything. i made a lot of money on ebay - but that wasn't for services - only goods. it has damaged me deeply and i am grieving the loss. my family has suffered greatly by having me be so immature and damaged with money. i know that i am stronger than this, and that i will grow up - but for today i am feeling robbed. stolen from - in so many ways. innocence, childhood, finances, intimacy, trust, fear, relationship - the locust have eaten and stripped bare so much of my past.

i know that one day i will not regret it - or wish to shut the door on it - so much of my pain has been redeemed by owning my story and telling it to others. this will be another chapter, but today i am grieving. keening, sitting shiva, and marking the grave.

standing still

2010-01-09T15:21:00.005-04:00

my dear bloggie friend kel has said a fire blessing on her blog and i am selfishly taking it for myself this year. (i think there is enough to go around in case you'd like to feel the sparkler dust too) love you kel!

thank you so much for this. here's me standing still:

Have you a moment
to stand still
while I wave
a circle of light
around you

Feel the energy shift
as the ring of fire dances down
over head and shoulders
like some crazy hula
around your hips

loops your legs
then scatters the remaining sparkles
into the dust at your feet

May you find sanctuary
in that circle
of light

and when the light fades
may there be enough sparkler dust
speckled on your skin
to serve as a reminder

you are held in the light

~prose by Kel

blaze

2009-12-31T11:34:00.004-04:00

(this is just for me)

Main Entry: blaze
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: fire
Synonyms:
bonfire, burning, combustion, conflagration, flame, flames, holocaust, wildfire

Main Entry: blaze
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: flash of light
Synonyms:
beam, brilliance, burst, flare, glare, gleam, glitter, glow, radiance

Main Entry: blaze
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: torrent
Synonyms:
blast, burst, eruption, flare-up, flash, fury, outbreak, outburst, rush, storm

Main Entry: blaze
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: burn brightly
Synonyms:
beam, burst out, coruscate, explode, fire, flame, flare, flash, flicker, fulgurate, glare, gleam, glow, illuminate, illumine, incandesce, jet, light, radiate, scintillate, shimmer, shine, sparkle

Main Entry: burn
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: be on fire; set on fire
Synonyms:
bake, be ablaze, blaze, brand, broil, calcine, cauterize, char, combust, conflagrate, cook, cremate, enkindle, flame, flare, flash, flicker, glow, heat, ignite, incinerate, kindle, light, melt, parch, reduce to ashes, rekindle, roast, scald, scorch, sear, set a match to, singe, smoke, smolder, toast, torch, wither
Antonyms:
cool, extinguish, put out, quench, smother, wet

Main Entry: burn
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: be excited about; yearn for
Synonyms:
be angry, be aroused, be inflamed, be passionate, be stirred up, blaze, boil, breathe fire, bristle, desire, eat up, fume, lust, rage, seethe, simmer, smoulder, tingle, yearn
Antonyms:
stifle, subdue

Main Entry: conflagration
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: large fire
Synonyms:
blaze, bonfire, burning, flaming, holocaust, inferno, rapid oxidation, up in smoke, wildfire

Main Entry: declare
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: make known clearly or officially
Synonyms:
acknowledge, advance, advocate, affirm, allegate, allege, announce, argue, assert, asservate, attest, aver, avow, be positive, blaze, bring forward, certify, cite, claim, confess, confirm, contend, convey, demonstrate, disclose, enunciate, give out, inform, insist, maintain, manifest, notify, pass, proclaim, profess, promulgate, pronounce, propound, publish, put forward, reaffirm, reassert, render, repeat, reveal, set forth, show, sound, state, stress, swear, tell, testify, validate, vouch
Antonyms:
deny, disavow, retract

Main Entry: display
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: public showing; spectacle
Synonyms:
act, affectation, arrangement, array, arrayal, blaze, bravura, dash, demonstration, example, exhibit, exhibition, expo, exposition, exposure, fanfare, flourish, for show, frame-up, frippery, front, grandstand play, layout, manifestation, ostentation, ostentatiousness, pageant, panorama, parade, pedantry, pomp, presentation, pretension, pretentiousness, revelation, sample, scheme, shine, showboat, splash, splendor, splurge, spread, unfolding, vanity
Antonyms:
hiding

Main Entry: disseminate
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: distribute, scatter
Synonyms:
advertise, announce, annunciate, blaze, blazon, broadcast, circulate, declare, diffuse, disject, disperse, dissipate, proclaim, promulgate, propagate, publicize, publish, radiate, sow, spread, strew
Antonyms:
collect, gather

word for 2010: blaze

2009-12-31T11:06:00.004-04:00

this is year 3 in the word department. 2008 was complete, 2009 was thrive - 2010 looks as if it is supposed to be BLAZE.

i don't know where that is going to take me. thrive went places i never could have imagined. hope blaze doesn't burn my house to the ground.

here's what it looks like in the visual thesaurus: BLAZE

thesaurus.com shows me that this is going to be a dangerous year.

it started with a piece of art that lisa samson posted to her facebook. it was of a tree in all four seasons - the fall season (where it feels like i am in my life) said BLAZE. this connected deeply with an ah-ha i had years ago at linwood house when i participated in "the path" with many blogger friends. we did an exercise that asked us which of the four elements we resonated with - earth, wind, fire or water. i knew immediately that i was fire. that metaphor has been one of the best tools i have ever used in understanding of self and my journey.

blaze called to that and i have been pondering it for the past few months. like thrive i tried to shove it away, but it just keeps coming back and nothing has arisen to replace it - and because i have run out of days it seems as if, like an unwanted cat that insists on following me around for the next 365 days... so welcome blaze. for all the good and the bad that you are i embrace you - teach me things about myself and my relationship to god and those around me please.

the secret life of termites

2009-12-31T10:49:00.003-04:00

so much richness in the comments of my last post. thank you. i have missed this online give and take very much.

sonja mentioned that it sounded as if one of the legs of that 4 legged stool had termites - that made me laugh out loud! god bless you sonja! we have been apart intentionally from these folks - as we all decided as a group to disband - it was the "re-banding" without us that hurt so badly. but termites is exactly the metaphor for this situation - i do feel hollowed out from this - and i know that a 3 legged stool will stand on its own - but how i long for that healthy new wood to be formed and brought into support the other three.

patchouli said ""pissed" has some power; peace has life." - peace, perfect peace. elusive peace...

i realized after typing the last post that i had taken on a new unhealthy addiction - the compulsive and obsessive thoughts around these relationships were not letting me go. writing about it took away some of their power - but it has taken a very intentional effort to not let this keep consuming me.

can i say again how very sick and tired i am of this morphing my addiction does? how unidentified it slides its way into my day like a seed into a crack and begins to innocently grow until it needs fed and watered and starts to take hold in uncomfortable places. SO BLOODY SICK OF THIS.

feed me seymour...

i am handling this like i would handle temptation to obsess about sex or food - when i realize my head is in that space i take it captive and evict it from my head. just wish i could figure out why that crack is there in the first place and spackle it up... maybe a mosaic patch would be more artistic?

anyway - i'm keeping the lights on and calling my orkin man and we're going to deal with these termites once and for all :D

living with the lights on

2009-12-26T11:16:00.003-04:00

i really don't know how to title this post - i usually have a better idea of where my writing will take me - so far this one is called "pissed" - it might not end up there - but it's the best i can come up with at this point. it's more "injured" or "wounded" - but the grief is turning into anger and a rage has taken the place of the weakness i have been feeling.

i make a point in my recovery to have structure built into my life so that i am not left to my own defenses. i have intentionally planted and tended seeds that should be bearing fruit in my life and instead of harvest i am left with famine. it makes me angry, and oh so sad.

i have found that therapy, support groups and some kind of what people from my background call "fellowship" (hate that word, but too fried to try to think of something else to call it) give me a good 3-legs when added to my fourth of working my program have a structure and stability that makes for serenity and sanity in my life.

i have been working my program, but my meeting has become incredibly frustrating as 3 of the 4 of us are in major relapse and while their words say they want a meeting what they mean is that they want ME to maintain the meeting so that if they ever work up any semblance of desire to play at recovery i'll be there to support them - but if anything is actually required of them they really don't want to bother. (see, it's called "pissed" for a reason)...

my "fellowship" has been a community of couples and families who have met together for the past 2 years to share a meal and our lives together. since the fall this has collapsed. you see one of my best friends had been "virtually" cheating on the other of my best friends (the couple i talked about being enmeshed in codependency with in the last post) and he did it on my computer - yes MY computer - asshole. this isn't just the run of the mill guy trapped in addiction (previous to this i had no evidence of addiction at all) - he is a senior programmer for a major corporation, a bible professor, fighter for womens rights and a father and husband who to most accounts is quite stable - come to find out that the "womens rights" thing is really mostly a pick-up line and the cross-gender friendship i had been building was mostly a sham to get me to fill in the gaps for attention that his wife - my other best friend didn't seem able to do.

this happened right before our two families were to go camping together this summer. i didn't trust my gut enough to cancel our involvement in the trip and it was the most uncomfortable situation we as a family have ever participated in. we got tarred and feathered for their inability to live in the light and i am still trying to get the shit off me.

i would have NEVER attempted to have a cgf with another sexual addict. NEVER. it is why i kept getting triggered and could never understand the cause. it fed a deep place in my soul to have a male computer programmer care about me spiritually - and validate me spiritually - the call on my life and the education i was participating in - my computer programmer father was never able to and has actually been vehemently opposed to my spiritual life and has never voiced any pleasure or approval, let alone pride in my accomplishments or life choices. his validation was a narcotic to me and somehow he knew that and it took me far too long to figure out. his brain works like my dad's and he understands things like my dad does. we had an easy shorthand in conversation that seemed so natural.

i was accountable to my husband and three of my friends who know me better than i usually know myself for the duration of this friendship - i did not want any of this to stray into dangerous territory - i was so determined to have a cgf to prove that i was not an animal, that i was not dangerous - that it was possible to live and peace with all men - and myself - and it has blown up in my face.

because of my desire to not tell anyone elses story i have kept the real cause of the falling out to myself and it now looks as if i was the obtuse one - as if i had done something wrong. see his wife - my other best friend - liked the role i played with her husband - i did all of the heavy emotional lifting - he had never been so stable and easy for her to manage. what a fool i am.

now i am ostracized while the lot of them meet and eat together and we're left outside of the invitations. the irony in this is that THEY (the couple) keep inviting, they keep trying to rebuild the broken relationship (not a new, healthy one - but the old broken, co-dependent one) - but all of "our" friends leave me out - and i have NO idea what they think. i am crushed and sad and getting angry. i want to shake them all and clear my slate.

but i won't because it would hurt her. i can't expose her pain and shame. i won't do it. it's not my story to tell. but the pain of being ostracized is overwhelming as this is such a small community and i am not leaving it. we are settled here - it feels like a test of all of the glorious rhapsodizing i have made about community and singing it's praises - those words feel like ashes now and i bear the burn scars.

liam tells me that it's easier to leave us out because we live "with the lights on" - we don't tolerate dark corners in each others lives, don't keep our eyes averted from the ugly places - and so we're the constant reminder to the things they'd like to pretend never happened. what they don't understand is that we know that those dark places are there - are willing to sit with them and still love and accept. it is the denial of the darkness that we hate - not the corners.

a beautiful picture

2009-12-26T11:09:00.006-04:00

my friend patchouli left the nicest comment on my last post - she read between the lines of the pain and frustration i was voicing and painted this beautiful picture - it moved me deeply and i didn't want it to get lost in the comments so i am posting it here:

These are the words that I believe describe you. What a beautiful picture they paint.

"it's taken away a lot of the need i had to vent here"

"only know that this place rarely feels like home anymore."

"this is new ground for us and we are growing up and taking responsibility for ourselves in new ways, but but it can be terrifying at times and we have few crutches left in our lives to lean on"

"all is not lost"

laugh
leisure
new friendships
healthy, whole
art
creating
soothed
confidence
happy
proud
beautiful
gift to myself
embraced
possible
imagine

THANK YOU PATCHOULI - i really needed to hear my words put that way.

3 months, 6 months, 12 months...

2009-12-21T10:04:00.005-04:00

it feels like a year since i have really written anything of note here. actually probably more like 13 months. i couldn't post that last piece without some update so that those of you who might still have my rss feed in your readers would fear that i had my own descent into madness. nothing like that, although these past few months have been more difficult than i'd care to admit.

13 months ago i began journaling every night before bed - one page - and minus one night in the hospital w/ buck when he held onto life by a very thin thread last february i have not broken the chain. it scrapes off the crud and has been the best tool i have ever used in my recovery. i am usually quite incoherent lately when i am scrawling that page, exhaustion at the end of the day depletes any real journalistic beauty - but i sit on the edge of that bed and force myself to write - and it works. i guess it's taken away a lot of the need i had to vent here. or maybe it's gotten me to a deeper place where even an anonymous blog is too open to air my life? i'm not sure - only know that this place rarely feels like home anymore.

buying our home was a true high point this year, but dealing with trades and finances has been brutal. it has only been in the past few weeks that we have had any semblance of normal back. many of the weeks/months were marked by much fear and anxiety as neither liam or i are from financial backgrounds that had any stability or training. this is new ground for us and we are growing up and taking responsibility for ourselves in new ways, but but it can be terrifying at times and we have few crutches left in our lives to lean on.

living without finances, food or alcohol to ease the pain and fear is a very ragged place at times. our margins wear thin quickly and the edges cut and bruise easily. i had fallen into a strange codependence with a couple and was the buffer for their relationship. it got weirder and uglier and i was so enmeshed into their lives very little of my own was being lived. i guess i take my addictions where i can when limiting my regular options. the pain was just too real to bear alone... that is gone now too and the bleakness of the longest day of the year presses in on me.

looking so forward to the days getting longer, even though winter must be weathered in the midst of this personal storm.

but all is not lost. we four laugh and leisure well together. living far from extended family is difficult during the holidays though. community has crumbled as i stepped away from the codependency and while new friendships and interactions are arising to take their place in healthy, whole ways the vacuum is still quite real and present and sitting with it today brings tears and grief.

i have been pouring myself into art and creating these past couple months. it has soothed my soul on the days where nothing else could or would. i am awakening an artist within and finding beauty and long lost confidence amidst the lies and tapes of old. i am ready for the holiday preparations to be over so that i can return to my paints, markers and pencils. i created two gifts for my children and i am so happy with them. they are framed and finished and beautiful. i also made a gift for myself with mixed media - an old forgotten 1/2 painted dollar store canvas, a favorite christmas card saved, rhinestones, vintage letter stickers and acrylics turned into a dark, moody holiday painting that i am truly proud of. it was a gift to myself for st. lucia day.

i never imagined that my word for 2009 would end up being about lack instead of abundance, but thriving even amidst the famine is truly where thriving becomes thriving. i have embraced that word this year in thought and deed, and although friends are few and far between i am finding that thriving in solitude is more possible than i had ever imagined.

painting my fear

2009-12-21T09:55:00.003-04:00

this artist, lee price, has captured the madness of eating disorders so powerfully i felt naked and sucker punched while looking at them. it has been over a decade since my own descent into this hell and they took me back instantly. it was visceral.

many are titled "self portraits" so she knows this pain personally.

Lee Price: American Figurative Realist Oil Painter

frequently wrong

2009-10-11T06:31:00.001-03:00

important reminder from patty:

"Finally, we begin to see that all people including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means. It will become more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or get hurt by people who, like us are suffering from the pains of growing up."

(AA 12 &12, step 10, page 92)

one of these things is not like the other...

2009-10-01T08:47:00.003-03:00

i have always felt quite a kinship to that beloved furry monster :p

deep in my bones

2009-08-31T18:54:00.003-03:00

i love this picture, the press it's getting and how it makes me feel deep in my bones.

i have a huge disconnect with my own body image. i regularly have liam take pictures of me so that i can see myself without my minds eye getting in the way. i realized that this woman in the picture is the size my body is now, i can hardly fathom it. she is so beautiful, and so comfortable in her skin. i pray that we can raise our daughters and sons in a world that doesn't tell them that this is broken or fat or unlovely.

Glamour's Plus Sized Win: Tipping point for more to come?

Mark Scandrette - Love-Making as a Spiritual Practice

2009-08-30T09:50:00.001-03:00

great article and thoughts:

Mark Scandrette - Love-Making as a Spiritual Practice

Roger Ebert's 12th step

2009-08-26T20:46:00.001-03:00

Roger Ebert celebrates 30 years of sobriety and writes an un-anonymous 12th step post, it's really beautiful:

Roger Ebert's Journal: My Name is Roger and I'm an alcoholic

blogger in need of help

2009-08-12T20:30:00.003-03:00

Many of you need no introduction to my beloved friend Claudia Mair Burney - better known to many of us in the blogosphere as the Ragamuffin Diva.

There is NO ONE in the world, (yes, even Annie Lamott) who writes my soul like this woman. She has wires and words into the heart of God like no one I've ever read before. Her story is one of pain and triumph and at the base of it all is a heart of a lioness that beats to an awesome drummer.

Mair has been through the ringer of roller coaster land these past few months - with the highest highs (her novel Zora & Nicky nominated for a Christy Award) and the lowest of lows - their old Eagle Spirit got stolen a few weeks ago.

Claudia, Ken & family are saving all their pennies to get down to Lexington to an incredible intentional community there - think Will & Lisa Samson - and she'll be doing work with women who have been trapped in human trafficking. They need to get out of Detroit ASAP and get down to Lexi so their babies can get into school and start their lives surrounded by a strong, beautiful community.

Here's Claudia's post: Will You Join Me In Love?

Life in Inkster, Michigan (think Detroit) has been rough and I really want to speed their progress if at all possible. So many of us support amazing causes and families overseas - I thought maybe, just maybe that generosity might help a little closer to home. Lots of small donations can make a huge difference online - if this could go viral we could really get that family a real start in the deep heart of Dixie. Are you with me?

Will you help?

Here's how:

1. Please use your blog, twitter account, facebook update - any online social networking you use to draw attention to this. We need to love on this family - Claudia is about as discouraged as discouraged can be right now - she needs to feel the love more than anything.

2. Pray - This family needs every level of support - this is a huge move with lots of details on both ends that need to be put in place and tied up - can you please ask God to prepare a place for them and a way to get them there?

3. Give - even tiny amounts online can help - lots of people giving small amounts can change everything.

.

Click ChipIn to donate

Trust me, this woman has already begun to make a big impact on the world around her - a strong community supporting them could make everything change.

Here's just a small sample of why she's stolen my heart:

The Naked Prophetess

For the Journey

Incarnation

we buy a home today

2009-06-29T08:25:00.002-03:00

i have been horrible at blogging lately. i mentioned on my other blog that i didn't want to have to blog the heartbreak of not getting our house in case it fell through.

well, that also left out documenting the process if it didn't - and it didn't, or did, anyway - it's real. we bought an 85 year old craftsman bungalow that we adore and can't wait to move into.

it's been a glorious process, everything we needed was at hand - it's a beautiful story of redemption and i really want to take the time to document it. i've been journaling the process, but i need to flesh it out.

we've been given $ for a reno of the kitchen too, so we won't be moving in right away. we've got all of july to fix it up, paint, prettify and move. i couldn't be more excited.

it's been 14 years since we have had a home to call our own.

i have blogged more details on my other blog - leave comment if you don't know where that is and i'll contact you with the url.

thanks for celebrating with us. couldn't have done it without you.

capturing the memory

2009-06-29T08:21:00.002-03:00

i'm at that point in parenting where i'm not "allowed" to talk about my kids anymore. i hate it. so i'm blogging this here so that i remember it.

we took a drive yesterday after a picnic just because we all so wanted to be out and not heading home yet.

we drove through a part of town we don't frequent often and there was a couple playing tennis.

buck says "OH, i didn't know they had tennis courts here"

mom - "i didn't know you liked tennis buck, did you want to learn how to play"

buck "oh yeah mom, it's like ping pong, only you get to stand on the table!"

:D

frozen by thinking

2009-06-08T17:48:00.002-03:00

okay - have identified a major character defect in my life - too much thinking. not enough doing. damn. s.o. s.i.c.k. o.f. i.t.

we have looked at MORE HOUSE than anyone in the history of this little burg - and because i don't have a deadline i can't act. i keep saying 'maybe something else will shake loose' or 'this one just isn't it' or 'i don't have peace' - but mostly it's just that i think too much and do too little.

HATE IT!

we're walking to see a privately listed house tonight - i'm too ashamed to call my realtor to re-see the two that i'm THINKING about now... i've wasted so much of his time. he's a great guy, and so helpful - but i'm pushing the edges of his patience, i can tell...

i told him i was going to come down to his office to do some filing or something... i know it's his job - oh well. i have made a ton of progress on my step 4 by NOT THINKING about it and just doing it - so small victories i guess.

just tired of being frozen.

happy blogiversary to me...

2009-05-25T12:38:00.006-03:00

i have ALWAYS forgotten my blogiversary and wanted to make sure i didn't this year. emerging sideways is five years old now and i can hardly believe it. this place has been a wonderful tool that opened up the world for me when i needed it most.

the greatest gift it has been was showing me that i wasn't alone. i have always felt so unique (and not in a good way) and the beauty of the internet is that it explodes the world by drawing it closer together. blogging is a self-sorting endeavor. readers stay around if they resonate with what you write, and that usually means you are kindred spirits on some level. finding kindred spirits has changed my life forever.

thank you.

i have not needed this blog as much lately as i used to and have even debated deleting it at times. and that may still happen one day, but for today i am going to celebrate five years of pouring out my heart and soul and trying on new ideas and thinking through life and working my program. five very good years.

image of three very good gifts blogging has brought me - erin @ biscotti brain, deb @ abiding and the non-blogging but still ultra wonderful lynne (mike todd's sister, who i met blogging)

recovery math

2009-05-12T11:26:00.003-03:00

gosh darnit, people like me

2009-05-02T07:53:00.002-03:00

i have always had a hard time with affirmations. my rational mind coupled with my bullshit meter really make it difficult for me to not roll my eyes when i even think them or the few times i've been brave enough to look myself in the eyes in a mirror and say them OUT LOUD. i have gotten better, but still find myself thinking back to my beloved stuart smalley memories and feeling pretty pathetic.

so i was surprised at how moving these affirmations fell into my soul. they are beautiful and artfully composed - and my favorite part is the instruction to "click boldly" for the next affirmation to appear.

the one that i really liked was

"My Higher Power demonstrates through me what He can do"

realmental
affirmations

come on...

2009-04-27T18:37:00.001-03:00

(cross posted at my other blog too)

Argh.

There, I said it. Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.

I hate when I find out information that I don't really want, that I wasn't ever looking for and that could, dang it all, change everything.

I was doing some research for ADHD children and came across The Feingold Diet. I read about it and found that there is a part of the diet that eliminates all foods with salicylic acid - and as a side note mentioned that people with allergies to N.S.A.I.D.S. (non-steroidal anti-inflammatories - asprin, ibuprofen, etc.) should probably avoid these foods too.

WHAT!?!?!? How did I not know this? Don't you think this would be something an allergist (who told me I was allergic to NSAIDS) might mention this say, a dozen years ago when he told me I could die if I ever took Motrin again?? Do you know how extensive this list is? Can you imagine never, I mean NEVER, EVER eat a peanut butter & berry jam sandwich again? Never enjoy another raspberry (my favorite of all time) or a fresh picked strawberry, or living in wild blueberry country, never, ever, ever have blueberry pancakes again? No more almonds, no more avocados, red grapes or cherries.

How 'bout trying to give up cantaloupe, raisins, dates, olives, mushrooms, green peppers and tomatoes - I will never have pizza again? COME ON!

I almost hope that it doesn't make me feel better when I give it a try. I can't even imagine how I could live like this. I am the girl who lived on highly refined sugars, chocolate and fast food for most of my life and gave that up, lost 14 sizes and enjoys a life filled with amazing fruits and vegetables now. I haven't had chocolate in 9 1/2 years - and now I have to give up peanut butter & raspberries too? DANG!

Shall I keep going? How 'bout mustard, dill, curry powder and Garam Masala - I'll never get to have Indian food again.

This is brutal. I've been avoiding it for over a month now, I don't want this information and I want to give it back. But deep inside me I am suspicious that I am affected by this and my body needs to find out if it feels better without these foods. So I am praying to be willing to be willing to attempt a fast. I can't even imagine what I could eat, there is just so much that I love now that I will lose.

As someone with an eating disorder, messing with my food is a scary and overwhelming prospect. This will take a lot of intense prayer and dedication and I just am not sure I'm up to it. I just really want to know if it makes a difference. I know that I feel better without all of the junk I used to have in my life. And yes, there are times that I miss chocolate, but I don't miss how crazy it used to make me feel. So this will be a journey, and I don't know when it will actually begin.

First I have to find some alternatives, good alternatives for my standard meals and snacks. I have found that creating a vacuum is not healthy for me and impossible to maintain over the long haul, unless I replace what I am reducing with real, live options. If you have any recipes or suggestions I am open to them. And any prayers and encouragement would really be appreciated.

the peace of a closed door

2009-04-27T10:48:00.003-03:00

found out early ~~friday~~ saturday that the woman who originally offered on the house met her conditions. after i went through friday with a very experienced carpenter i was actually relieved. he helped me to understand that some of the repairs, if they uncovered problems could easily extend the house well past it's possible equity and far beyond our limited resources.

i was surprised at how okay i was with the info. reaching and hoping doesn't mean i turn off my brain - just that i risk and stretch. thanks so much for the sweet comments on the last post. nice to know that my absence at blogging didn't mean a loss of my favorite readers. but it did mean the loss of my memory to actually check in to see the comments :p aging brains are for the birds...

what was really cool that came from this experience is that i am no longer afraid to ask for help from people like carpenters and builders and the local man who has been shepherding us through this process has been so affirming of my abilities to handle these men. i had asked him to be the general contractor if we ever got the house - and he assured me that i was up to the job and that he'd stand behind me and coach me if it ever came to an incidence where i felt bullied or over my head.

the other cool thing was that we realized that we really liked the new, modern feel that this house had because of the interior renos - things we might not have ever done for ourselves as we can tend toward the "good enough, and that'll do" side of things. we realized that there are other fix-ups out there - and we just need to find one with some good bones to start with. amazing what a bit of stretching will do a for a soul.

miles and miles have passed

2009-04-21T10:03:00.008-03:00

i can't even remember the last time i have sat down to really blog. life has become so full, in a good way, but it has kept me from this thing that i love called blogging. i was emailing with erin (biscotti brain) and told her that in the last 24 hours i feel like i've given birth to myself.

on friday i found out that the university i attend was looking for a kind of dean of students/chaplain position and both liam and a good friend encouraged me to apply. i know they have some internal people applying for the job, and they will most likely have a much better chance, but i knew that my gifts were a good fit for this position and that the process would be helpful for me. i realized also that i have not done a resume for myself in 20 years! 20 years! i have not been paid to work (except casually for projects) in since i had kids and our daughter just turned 13. previous to that i worked for the same employer for 6 years. needless to say it was an effort to turn all of the volunteer work i have done into a career.

some good friends held space for me and challenged me and gave me the much needed push to put this together and yesterday i faxed it off to the president of the school and felt a mental exhaustion very similar to the physical exhaustion i had after giving birth to my kids. i know that this was part of the "thrive" process and i think that april 20th, 2009 was a birthing day for me.

yesterday we put in an offer on the home of our dreams (needs lots of work, so there might be a few nightmares before the actual dreaminess happens), applied for a mortgage and i applied for TWO jobs! after i sent off the resume i was blog reading and one of the gadget blogs i read is looking for an editor. i could do that job for free (don't tell them) because i would enjoy it so much, and even sending off the email was fun. don't know if any or all of these doors will open, but being willing to risk was so important.

the house we had been waiting for (it was a bankruptcy of a failed flip by one of our good friends) finally went on the market last week, but i couldn't move forward on it because i truly believed in my heart that i did not deserve to live in such a grand home. one of my best friends here was furious with me for thinking that way. when we went to move forward we found out that there was an accepted offer already on the house. i was crestfallen. i tought it was another couple from our church who i knew was looking too. i was at least happy that we were going to "keep it in the family". our broker though encouraged us to still bring our carpenter on site and put a bid together in case it fell through.

while standing across the street with my broker and carpenter a van drove up and a woman got out. turned out she was the lady who had the offer in - and she is a known quantity in the community. i was upset that it was not my friends who"won". i had met her casually years previous at her garage sale where she proceeded to tell me (a complete stranger) about her husband's nervous breakdown. i know if i skeedaddled she would give way more information to "my guys" there after i left.

i spoke with my broker later and he said that she (unasked) gave the information that she was having trouble with funding - so he said GET DOWN HERE MONDAY A.M. and we'll put the offer in... we did and while there may be others that offer that we know nothing about we have most likely the least unemcumbered offer of the bunch. we probably won't hear until later in the week as banks are very slow moving (as we know from waiting about 8 months for them to get the house on the market).

i realized after my friend was so furious with me that i had stopped reaching. stopped hoping. i had thought that contentment meant "making do" - and while there is something healthy in that, there can be a lot of broken too. i was content, and i was not "hope-less", but i was not hoping any more. i was not reaching. i was living in fear of disappointment. i told erin that in the 12 hours following i realized that i truly was strong enough to hope again. i was strong enough to have what i dreamed of, and strong enough to bear the disappointment of not getting what i was reaching for - but that it was the reaching that was the important part. so i have begun dreaming again.

so yesterday i felt like i grew up, stretched out my arms and said HERE I AM. as i finished my journal writing last night i wrote with a smile "I'm thriving! I'm thriving!" we'll possibly see how thriving and disappointment can go hand in hand next week... sigh. no risk, no chance, no hope. i want to live with hope, and i am strong enough to be disappointed.

Learning from temptation

2009-04-21T09:59:00.002-03:00

this is something that has become one of my most useful tools of late - instead of shaming myself because of temptation i am learning what it has to teach me instead:

Desire is often talked about as something we ought to overcome. Still, being is desiring: our bodies, our minds, our hearts, and our souls are full of desires. Some are unruly, turbulent, and very distracting; some make us think deep thoughts and see great visions; some teach us how to love; and some keep us searching for God. Our desire for God is the desire that should guide all other desires. Otherwise our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls become one another's enemies and our inner lives become chaotic, leading us to despair and self-destruction.

Spiritual disciplines are not ways to eradicate all our desires but ways to order them so that they can serve one another and together serve God.

Henri Nouwen

fools names and fools faces...

2009-04-06T19:37:00.004-03:00

buck came home from school tonight and told me he slugged a kid. in his eleven years he's only ever once been pushed to violence. it seems that two punks kids in his class chose today to call him names. one called him 'turnip' which has a form of our last name to it, the other kid started calling him 'tinker' and it ended up as tinkerbell. after about the sixth time buck gave him a shove and felt so bad about it he told me about it first thing.

i loathe violence. i know that buck is one of the tallest, most mature kids in his grade, so he's not going to get bullied, but pestered is sometimes as bothersome. i encouraged him to be more creative than violence, to use his wit and sense of humor to remind these boys that they should think twice about pestering him.

i asked what their names were to help him begin to think of better comebacks than pushing. as he told me the one little boys name, liam and i looked at each other across the room shaking our heads and trying to keep from laughing because the same exact thought ran through both of our heads. the little boys last name was erskine - i said "that boy should be very careful he doesn't mock last names because he could wear a doozie for the rest of his school days" of course, as good parents we did not breathe a word of it to him, but liam joked afterward about having to call the boys father, "er, mr. foreskin, it's about your son..."

porn and conservatives

2009-03-05T11:02:00.004-04:00

no surprise to me - when my political & religious views were so bound up tight i had a much bigger struggle with porn. through my recovery i have learned that having opinions that are so stringent made me so legalistic - the steam has to go somewhere - and with their horrible view on women this isn't a shocker.

New Scientist - Porn in the USA - Conservatives are the biggest consumers

via queer messages

update on buck

2009-03-01T06:59:00.005-04:00

i realized after ang left a comment that some people might not be on facebook where we've been placing most of the updates on buck. holding my breath as i type this, but he might actually be coming home TODAY. unbelievable.

his primary care doctors, the pediatrician and surgeon have both gone south for spring break and the plan of care they left seems to indicate that if his chest x-ray and CBC today pass muster and the extramural nurse is in place buck can head home today with a pump for his antibiotic. he will keep the picc line and they will be able to continue to draw blood there instead of him having to keep getting poked about.

throughout this his t1 diabetes has been the least of our worries. his bsl's and insulin doses have maintained consistent through this and it's almost been a t1 vacation of sorts - very little carb counting and for much of the time he was even on an insulin drip that they had honed to a science.

i have been up since 5:00 - pink has been sick with a head cold/cough/throat thingy so disinfecting everything was probably a good idea. keeping house hasn't been top on my list or liam's during this survival mode we've been operating in.

i floated around yesterday in space - got groceries and wandered the aisles of a couple stores. it feels surreal to not be constantly on alert - regularly engaged in the care and keeping of the other. it is a mode i function in well - and have a difficult time stopping. i don't know what this next week will look like. the kids are also on march break, so we will have a gentle re-entry. unfortunately the week after all three of us go back to school as my intensive begins monday - i have the easy stuff out of the way - it's the deep things i have left - and weeding through that with the kids home next week won't be the easiest - but i will manage.

i am looking forward to having two stimulating weeks for me though - i just wish i had a wife to take care of all of the stuff that needs to be done! dang.

Lenten truth

2009-03-01T06:51:00.000-04:00

Sometimes we do Lent, sometimes Lent does us.

Ang York-Crane

f@%k lent

2009-02-28T07:45:00.005-04:00

most of you know that i casually keep the church calendar and have made quite a point about lent these past few years. maundy tuesday caught me totally off guard - i was in line at the hospital caf and saw they were serving pancakes and just about cried. no ash wednesday, no planning, no praying, no intentional marking of these precious 40 days. i felt ashamed, guilty and frustrated. how could i have lost something so big. i joke that every year christmas sneaks up on my mother in law. like it floats around on the calendar like easter and she just can't seem to remember when it is.

that's how i felt with lent this year. i see so many delving deep on their blogs and i can't even read their beautiful lenten thoughts.

fuck the desert. i'm sick and tired of the damn desert.

i switched with liam yesterday to come home and collect myself for the weekend. there was a wonderful email from erin:

"Looks like Lent came early for you this year. I don't know that anyone would choose to give up their family (in that way) for so long, but it feels from here like some desert wandering."

it's exactly how i feel. (thank you erin). winter is kicking my ass and so is this hospital stay. i finally breathed fresh air yesterday (for the first time in a week) when i walked to the parking lot to head home. i'm wiped out. we just keep getting creamed by bad news and i'm sick of it - i'm sick of the pressure people around me put on me unknowingly for me to have some good news for them because they're praying so hard and their faith in god hinges on the health of my son. fuck the desert.

we were told yesterday that he could go home with an antibiotic pump on monday if he was fever free for 72 hours. we had made it 24. by yesterday at 2:00 when he spiked a fever we were both a puddle of tears. so much pressure on a 10 year old boy who wants to be home by his 11th birthday wednesday. fuck. fuck. fuck.

what could live in his body after all of the mass spectrum antibiotic to cause a fever after this just terrifies me. he has nothing left to fight with and neither do i. his spine is poking out his back like a baby dragon that has just hatched from an egg. my precious, vibrant, beautiful son has been reduced to an ashen, waxy, hunched over boy who is so tired of being a specimin that other people crowd around to poke, examine and talk about like he wasn't even there. i see him withdrawing and it frightens me. i am so damn scared.

i have a wonderful friend who tells me that the railing i am doing at god is precious to him - it shows how much faith i have. i just need spring, new creation and green right now. life, beauty, color. everything feels so grey. so i am taking in beauty, color and life for lent. fuck the desert. ya'll can nest there if you want to - but i've given up enough right now and i just can't spare any more.

powerlessness

2009-02-21T10:53:00.003-04:00

i realized as i read my daily reading from yesterday (about powerlessness) that it is truly where i am at. smack, dab in the middle of powerlessness, more than i have ever been in my life. i don't like it at all.

in the midst of all of this i have realized that my addictions have morphed (with all of the push ups they've been doing shape shifting gets pretty easy) and begun to look much more subtle than they used to. i think the issue that i dealt w/ below has a lot to do with my sexual addiction rearing it's head in a very different version of itself.

on feb. 13th at around 7:00 i realized that i had a wicked case of heartburn. i haven't had heartburn in years. i got a wake up call when i faced the fact that i was truly tempted to purge. if you know my story you'll know how despicable vomiting is to me - but it was my addiction changing itself. it also meant that i had overeaten and used food to comfort myself that day. i hadn't eating any of my trigger foods, but i cringed at the thought of telling my sponsor about it and was tempted to lie (or omit) and i realized that if i had something to hide, it meant i had something to hide. secrets mean shame for me, and shame always plunges me back into my addictions - so i have reset my abstinence date to feb. 14th. clean abstinence is far more important to me than a big fat number.

i have been abstinent for one week.

i also broke the chain of writing on the 12th (think they might be linked?) i was just too tired to put pen to paper and didn't want to have to look at my fear for buck and the powerlessness of the whole situation. dang.

so, just for today i am embracing my powerlessness. i head back to the hospital and liam assures me that i will see a boy who looks far more like my son than the one i left behind. i had horrible sleeps while here at home. ironically i slept so much more deeply at the hospital. sounds strange, but i realized that it was the assurance that the nurses would come and knock on my little lounge door and wake me if something went wrong. when i awoke at home the fear and anxiety was oppressive. powerlessness. it has nothing to do with geography, but being closer to him in proximity will be quite a relief. thanks for your prayers.

and i thought i was cracked open last week...

2009-02-19T08:38:00.004-04:00

oh my. this has been a hellish week. i feel like i've gone from the frying pan into the fire. our son buck (who is t1 diabetic) was vomiting all last week and they finally figured out that he needed to be in hospital. they didn't know what was wrong, but knew it wasn't right. fast forward - ruptured appendix and abscess removed and the recovery has been 1 step forward 2 steps back all week.

poor kid. it's excruciating to watch your 10 year old son have to endure this kind of pain, confusion and prodding. the medical care has been outstanding and he has a dozen of doctors on his staff. he's been in picu the whole time and the nurses have come to adore him. but somehow in the big important things happening to him they weren't understanding that he hadn't been getting real nutrition for the past couple of weeks - and so his body is literally breaking down. they put in a pic line yesterday and have started him on tpn - the most basic form w/out the fat so that he can slowly build back up what has been lost. how does a child in north america become malnourished? it doesn't make any sense. and please this is not socialized medicine - his care is stellar - it's just that surgeons have been so concerned that the infection in his gut would rear it's head and they would have to operate again that keeping him off of food was important because his bowel isn't working.

so he literally has 4 iv lines running into him and he's retaining so much fluid - it's horrible to watch this vibrant young boy trapped inside this body that isn't working. i hate this.

liam took two days off so that he could man the post as he heard in my voice that i was running so thin. i got my period yesterday and knew that i couldn't break down in front of buck so that i wouldn't scare him. i didn't want to leave his side, but knew that if i didn't care for myself i wouldn't be able to care for him. liam walked me to the car and as i got in i realized all of the picu noise, alarms and buzz was gone and i was truly alone. that is usually a good thing, but i have had so much head time lately - too much thinking and not enough processing - that i realized i needed some input. i turned on our 21 year old stereo and tried to find a station. i haven't turned on a radio in over 7 years. i really love silence and my thoughts, but knew that this wasn't the time for it. i was exhausted and needed to be alert for the next 90 minutes.

i found a dreamy enya like song and thought 'okay, this will work', paid for my parking and headed home. by the time i hit the highway the old stevie nicks song landslide was playing - i haven't listened to the radio in 7 years and THIS is the song that comes on the radio? i started to keen. i could barely see through my tears to pay the bridge toll and stay on the road. the next song was luba's "every time i see your picture i cry" and i began to scream "YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM" over and over at the top of my lungs.

i am flat out cracked open and have no place safe to hide any more. this has stripped me bare to my core and everything feels like it's on the line.

i am home, drinking my own fair trade scandanavian blend with my wonderful daughter on the computer next to me - we have been given the blessing of a snow day and will be spending it together some how. we both need this, and so i needed to get this off my chest this a.m. so that i could be present for her and not terrify her with the depth of my deep emotions.

please pray. i can't seem to find god in this. that is my prayer. (other than heal him NOW) - that we would all see the places that god is with us in this moment. to know that he has not abandoned us to our pain and fear. we have all been face to face with our deepest fear this week and it is horrible. i want to be face to face with god in this fear and i can't seem to find him.

clarity

2009-02-08T09:46:00.002-04:00

ah the return of serenity is such a beautiful thing. why do i ever give it away?

i don't have a ton of time to tell you everything that has been happening since my last post - but purging that all out here was what i really needed. i was able to step back and look at it again and find the areas that were true, and the areas that i was truly being graceless about.

grace is such a beautiful thing.

stepping out of the shame and away from the addictive behaviour was also life giving. funny thing is that much of what was going on had little to do with the relationship - but so much to do with my compulsion to avoid what i needed to be working on. i was so enmeshed (thanks pen) in other peoples stories because i wanted to avoid my own.

i am working on fear in my step 4 and have class assignments dealing with grief and suffering - i was trying to avoid them like the plague - and once i realized it, admitted my powerlessness and started working my program again god met me in such an incredible way. i may blog about it, but it was one of the high points of my walk with god.

funny thing is that the rush addiction that i was getting from this was so similar to any of my other compulsive behaviors - once i saw it and asked for help the clarity that came after was so priceless that i realized that it had little to do w/ the cgf and far more to do with the walls i had placed around myself out of fear that god would not be trustworthy enough to meet my needs.

i have to go - wish i could pour it all out here - i just wanted to thank you for praying, encouraging, pushing and caring about me and my journey. have a lovely sunday!

denial works until it doesn't

2009-02-05T08:53:00.010-04:00

p.s.f.d.*

i am reaping the whirlwind today. i have been walking in new territory this past year and i am finding myself ill prepared for it. this past year i have found myself. i have become comfortable in my own skin and i have navigated many new things. community and friendship have become so important to me. living inside myself has been very new for me and it has opened up a lot of different doors in my life. some good. some not so good. i don't know where they go, but there are definitely a lot of new doors.

writing about this is torture, but i have no place else to navigate this. i want to crawl in a hole and weep. i feel cracked open wide because when denial stops working it leaves a big pile of shit in the room that i feel so unbelievably stupid for not noticing before - and it was right there all along. p.s.f.d.

i am surrounded by really incredible people in this community. i have made some amazing f2f friends. one of those friendships was a cross-gender friendship (cgf). i have been reading dan's faith dance blog for quite some time now and am inspired by the thought that men & women aren't dangerous to each other and can truly develop friendships. so much of my broken comes from ugly male behavior, and so safe men in my life are important and healing.

i had crossed a line emotionally with this man. the husband of one of my best friends. on a scale of other peoples issues this one probably ranks really low, but because i closely monitor my serenity i can feel when it goes off the rails, and i lost it and found that it was because this relationship had become an addiction for me. this is mostly about me. i'm not sure how much this has to do with him per sey, but his dysfunction and my great need do play a role here - but most of it has to do with the rush. that heroin that shoots through my veins with the fresh, new, long ago familiar feelings that i haven't felt in 20 years. p.s.f.d.

all along this friendship i was telling 3 dear friends about all of it and talking to liam the whole time. i know i am only as sick as my secrets and deeply want to live in the light. but i have found that when those secrets are buried deep in denial no light can expose them until the denial goes away.

in an attempt to bring things into the light i had a conversation with this man that actually turned things more intimate than stopped them. i feel like a fool. i told a confidence about a mutual friends marriage struggles as a guise for trying to keep us and another pair of dear friends from falling into the same ditch. i really thought i was doing the right thing - but have to admit that i hid behind that to share something that would bind us together somehow. i exposed one of my best friends deepest shame for my own purposes. these are the ugliest parts of my self. i hate to see them, let alone expose them to others. but i believe that they cannot be redeemed unless i do.

so i had to confess my broken confidence to one of my besties - the woman who had fallen off the rails. i immediately called her to tell her - i had kept her secret for months - why now? why ever? i so longed to be trustworthy. i was so angry at myself for breaking faith. it was one of the hardest conversations i have ever had.

next i told liam. he was forgiving. (but too forgiving. a bell went off in my head. this should be bothering him more. he's not getting this. it's not registering. why isn't this registering? why isn't he angry?).

i also IM'd with martha and she called me on the carpet. let me know that i was kidding myself. i truly thought before that that bringing things into the light would keep things from going south. i really did.

after our IM i realized i wasn't being honest. that it wasn't just this ONE conversation, but that i had become emotionally attached to this man. p.s.f.d. it had become an addiction. the rush of the attention. feeling noticed. talking about big ideas and deep theology. p.s.f.d. every one of my hooks was sunk deep into this rotting fish (the addiction, not him - although he is not innocent in this either).

i have tried to do everything in the light and be as accountable as possible. but my dear friend martha told it to me straight yesterday. just because it's accountable doesn't mean it should continue. p.s.f.d.

so today, just for today i am grieving the loss of a really important friendship. a friendship that really did heal some deep places in me. it taught me that i was trustworthy. that the hay/fire didn't have to explode into deep passionate sin. for most of this it wasn't taudry or innappropriate. but i have crossed a line emotionally.

i had a conversation with liam this morning challenging his well constructed front. i pushed and it crumbled. he told me that he's been uncomfortable all along, but hasn't told me. how can this be so broken? i have talked to him about this from the beginning hoping that if i did it would strengthen our marriage and keep the cgf healthy. i was wrong. his denial sat right next to mine. p.s.f.d.

so where do we go from here? i have no idea. i am just doing the next right thing. just for today i can face this. i can try to sit with the level of emotion i have and this great big steaming pile of denial and begin to detox and find healthier ways to feed this starving part of my soul. liam is doing good work. i know at some point we will find a way in and through this, but for now my hope is hanging by a very thin thread.

*abbreviation for four cuss words to express the deep level of frustration and disgust i am having over this situation.

new skin

2009-02-02T16:42:00.002-04:00

i finally just couldn't stand that old light house any more - so i have new light houses - it's so funny to me that the land-locked girl called to the sea and found it - so now that i am a sea girl i thought it appropriate to keep the lighthouse theme going. this one is a bit more me than the misty photo. unfortunately i lost all of my widgets and lists - oh well, they were probably really outdated anyway. enjoy!

time capsule

2009-01-30T10:04:00.004-04:00

i have received and finally sat down to watch the documentary that i participated in long ago - september 2005. you can search my archives to read the posts from that time if you like. i am not linking to it here just in case someone connects my real name w/ this blog. i'm just not ready for that.

i was not prepared for the level of emotion that it brought up in me. seeing my face, my rosecea skin and seeing the face of the man who created the images that were so hurtful to me, and seeing the image again really flattened me out.

i don't have time for this today. i'm off to a retreat and have tons of responsibilities. i just want to crawl back into bed and cry. or slam the door shut and spend the weekend escaping and remembering that it isn't me any more. i forget sometimes how bad it was. this was a "good" reminder - good as in efficient, not good as in nice, warm and fuzzy. mean people suck. especially mean, mysoginists who mock women and their pain. the director told me that this prick has a young daughter. poor girl. i want to hunt him down and hurt him. i've never had a face before. never had a face for anyone who ever hurt me.

it will be very difficult for liam to watch this. i told him i wanted to see it alone first. i am so glad that i wasn't in a theatre at a film festival seeing it for the first time. what a relief. i haven't seen the whole film yet, just my episode. it is beautifully done and so gentle with my story. i am well spoken and brave. i am proud of myself for telling my story. i just wasn't prepared for having to listen to him. what a horrible man. i hope that the daughter's mum has enough sense to keep her away from him. prick.

well, i'm off to slam the door on this until next week. please pray that i am able. i really wasn't prepared to feel so leveled by this. b.r.e.a.t.h.e.

forgive me...

2009-01-30T09:11:00.004-04:00

got an email and a phone call before my meeting last night... all the regulars bailed on me. i opened the doors, pulled out the literature. set up the table. read everything out loud. led the meeting. read step 5 from the AA 12 & 12 (oh man did i need to read that chapter, what a beautiful collection of thoughts and words!) and closed the meeting. alone. but what an complete blessing that meeting was to me. i was pissed and full of resentments heading into that meeting, but felt so full and alive afterward. i showed up. it's my recovery and i'm working MY program. not anyone else's.

i can't seem to get away from everyone looking to me like this is MY meeting all of the time. it wears really thin sometimes. i'm not sure what to do to stop this and get anyone else to step up. the woman who asked me to start this meeting with her is in major relapse. she still shows up to the meetings most of the time, but is so angry and bewildered as to why she just isn't getting it this time around. and i think that she is really angry at ME. and that makes me really bewildered.

when i read this today i think i got a clue. i think that somehow something got shifted on to me that shouldn't have been mine. i didn't ask for it and i don't think that i attract it, but i think it got put on me anyway, and that because i haven't picked up the mantle she is really pissed at me. anyway, i don't want the job, i'm not taking the job and i will continue to show up, one day at a time to work my own program.

these words of wisdom are from henri nouwen:

Forgiveness, the Cement of Community Life

Community is not possible without the willingness to forgive one another "seventy-seven times" (see Matthew 18:22). Forgiveness is the cement of community life. Forgiveness holds us together through good and bad times, and it allows us to grow in mutual love.

But what is there to forgive or to ask forgiveness for? As people who have hearts that long for perfect love, we have to forgive one another for not being able to give or receive that perfect love in our everyday lives. Our many needs constantly interfere with our desire to be there for the other unconditionally. Our love is always limited by spoken or unspoken conditions. What needs to be forgiven? We need to forgive one another for not being God!

Ted Haggard/Oprah Interview

2009-01-29T16:28:00.004-04:00

I'm watching the clips from the Ted Haggard/Oprah interview on the Huffington Post - and I don't know what happened in the whole show, but the truth and honesty he is using in the clips they show really touches my heart deeply. The lack of shame he is sitting with as he tells his story is beautiful. I don't know about any of it except as a fellow addict I find deep connection with his story and am so glad he has found some semblance of recovery.

Godspeed Ted! You're in my prayers.

The Huffington Post: Ted Haggard, Oprah Interview clips

shadow pain

2009-01-23T08:30:00.004-04:00

i can always tell when i react (or overreact as is usually the case) that it's rarely about the situation that i'm currently in - but it's about the unresolved junk from my past that is pushing my buttons. i call it the shadows. they lurk behind whatever it is in my present that makes everything look bigger, darker and loomier (i just made that word up) :D

identifying and taking away the shadow helps reduce everything to it's natural size and stops it from looming over me and pushing my buttons. hope just put this quote on her blog and i really liked it alot:

"Life work is always about learning to respond to the events in our present life with the emotional intensity appropriate to the event and not with the emotional intensity that was appropriate to tragic situations twenty or thirty years ago........Serenity or living in a state of recovery is all about letting yesterday be yesterday and today be today. Recovery is training ourselves by practicing daily disciplines to act in the present as the present and not from the emotional stance of a thousand past yesterdays"

Earnie Larsen

via Hope

ugly theology

2009-01-12T10:40:00.003-04:00

if you have read my blog for any length of time you will know that i have the utmost loathing for mark driscoll and all he stands for. that he made the nyt gives me shivers, but the article nails the ugliness that calvinism brings to the body of christ. if you are involved in the emergent discussion i recommend reading:

who would jesus smack down?

the enemy of truth

2009-01-12T10:34:00.002-04:00

this is rippling into my consciousness today. from the OA For Today daily reading:

The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie -- deliberate, contrived and dishonest -- but the myth, persistent, persuasive and unrealistic.

John F. Kennedy

My food addiction was acquired so I could survive and cope in earlier, painful circumstances. Thus began two myths: First, that pain was to be avoided at all costs, and second, that eating would relieve the pain free of charge. These myths were useful then, but they are insanity today.

As I become willing to accept the truth that is revealed to me in this program, the myths I clung to so desperately lose credibility. I no longer need to be anesthetized; I can stand still and feel my feelings. I don't think something is wrong if I'm not happy every minute.

For Today: The more I accept the reality of what is, the more comfortable and serene my life becomes.

where is the myth that i am believing that is stopping the truth from setting me free today?

argh!

2009-01-03T08:18:00.004-04:00

upgraded my other blog skin and was headed to fix this one too - but i will loose ALL OF MY widgets for this one when i change. ARGH!

anyone know how to save widget info before a switch? my other blog didn't have anything of meaning (except a blogroll that i have to recreate) - but this blog has TONS of widgets and they're not save-able like copying html code from old blogger templates - each one has to be reinstated individually. what a p.i.t.a. ARGH!

i have a cool modern lighthouse template that i was changing this to and this blog REALLY needs a facelift. anyone navigated this one before and have any tips you'd like to share??

oh - and btw - happy new year! :D

word for 2009 :thrive:

2008-12-28T13:06:00.006-04:00

i have been praying for a word for 2009 the past month. a few weeks ago my blogger friend, the onion boy, owen had surgery and i checked up on him on facebook and saw his signature word :thrive: there. i thought "oh that's such a beautiful word - maybe that could be my word for this year"... then that little critical voice in my head said "oh sure, pick a nice, easy word - who doesn't want to thrive? isn't that a bit selfish of a word for the year? maybe your word should have something to do with hard work instead of something easy?" ah the critical voice, so painful and crushing, eh?

so i set the word aside waiting for another. it kept circling back in my thoughts. thrive... thrive... i really liked it, but again it felt selfish.

another facebook friend had posted that she was thinking about her word for the year in her update and i commented that thrive was whirling through my head, but i hadn't really had enough confirmation to pick it yet. after posting that i sat down with the novel i am reading "The Bean Trees" by Barbara Kingsolver and came upon the chapter where she takes Turtle to the doctor - the term "failure to thrive" appeared 3x in that chapter. it was enough of a confirmation that this was the word, failing another pressing itself into my world, for 2009.

we stayed home and played hooky from church today. i had purchased liam 'praying in color' for christmas and we took time today to make art and pray in color as a family. it was a beautiful time.

this has been a season of loss in my family. one of my cousins dropped dead of a massive heart attack last week, and another is struggling for life in the hospital as i type (unless he passed mercifully last night). both are/were only 50ish. neither had shown any signs of sickness. my art page had the name of my cousin and his mom (my favorite aunt) and images surrounding their names that were meaningful to me.

after we finished our pieces i was still feeling artsy (and liam had included his possible word for 2009 on his art) so i thought to make a page featuring "thrive". i got a bit stumped on the art front and headed toward the word front and looked up THRIVE at thesaurus.com:

Main Entry: thrive

Part of Speech: verb

Definition: do well

Synonyms: advance, arrive, batten, bear fruit, bloom, blossom, boom, burgeon, develop, flourish, get ahead*, get fat, get on*, get places, get there, grow, grow rich, increase, make a go, mushroom*, progress, prosper, radiate, rise, score*, shine, shoot up, succeed, turn out well, wax

Antonyms: decline, fail, languish, lose

(the "get fat" one made me laugh out loud! i plan on that being only a metaphor for the fatness of my soul!)

these past years have been about establishing a good root system that can sustain this "thriving" - maybe this year can be about what grows from that?

thank you owen - i hope you don't mind me borrowing your word! :D

image source

i detect a theme

2008-12-23T20:22:00.000-04:00

ted haggard struggles with sexuality

2008-12-21T15:57:00.002-04:00

Ted Haggard documentary to air on HBO in January - should be interesting to see what this adds to the discussion.

peace on earth

2008-12-20T10:09:00.003-04:00

this picture was one of those that my son decided to jump into as seems to be his habit lately. he's a bit of a ham. i was getting frustrated with him as he was WRECKING ALL OF THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT DAMMIT, JUST SMILE AT THE CAMERA AND LOOK LIKE YOU'RE HAVING FUN ALREADY!...

sigh...

turns out i like this picture more than most i took that afternoon while we decorated our christmas tree together. it reminds me of what's important and that real is so much better than pasted on fake. so peace to you during these next few days of hustle and bustle. peace to us all.

complete

2008-12-18T09:36:00.003-04:00

i just posted on "complete" and decided to look back through posts from this past year - and came across the post i wrote to celebrate one year of clean abstinence - 365

i wrote in there that this psalm was speaking deeply to me - and NEVER did i make the "complete" connection until today - it moved me so deeply i had to note it here - i'm still amazed at how 12 steps this passage really is:

Psalm 18:20-24
GOD made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
he gave me a fresh start.
Now I'm alert to GOD's ways;
I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
GOD rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

like i could be a tower

2008-12-18T08:40:00.003-04:00

amy at pretty shiny has given me such a glorious compliment and the lyrics to a song that is making me float this morning. i wrote below about st. lucy day and how badly i long to be a light bearer into my community. i really got to do that on saturday night. we had such a wonderful time at the party - and there was so much laughter and joy. it was fun to have had a vision for this, put it together with my friends and blessed our community with a really fun night out.

the song amy gave me was "suddenly i see" by kt tunstall. i had heard it in stores, or on tv, but i've never really listened to it before and it's one of those songs that is so catchy and fun. this morning i looked at the lyrics and found in those words the woman that i long to be and am slowly becoming.

my word for 2008 was "complete" - it was a strange word and i've sat with it throughout the year wondering what god wanted me to learn from it. it has an element of "done-ness" to it that i don't think will ever play into my life - i am recovering, not recovered. but there is a whole-ness that word speaks of and i have come to feel it this past year. like the pieces of me have shifted in a way that closes the gap in some of those severely broken places. i am no longer ashamed to be a woman. i am living in my skin for the first time i can remember. i feel like myself. i know that sounds strange, but last weekend was the first time i was really myself - not projecting or protecting - just me, complete. not completed, just complete.

the lyrics touch some really personal places for me. the first line of the song,

"Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world"

redeems something beautiful for me. i have a desperate case of rosacea, it has been complicated by an undiagnosed allergy for 20 years of my life. i had no idea that i was allergic to non-steroidal antiinflammatories and took asprin & advil for 20 years and got horrific hives all over my face. this caused me so much shame and discomfort. the gp i saw told me to use hydrocortisone cream - never realizing that it was chronic for me and that i'd use it so often (too often), and the steroid thinned my skin - so i literally have a "road map" all over my face. it was magnified after i delivered my babies and my dermatologist said that my "flush & blush" reflex has failed and the capillaries have just blushed once too often don't close down like they should anymore.

it is one of those things that caused me so much distress. i finally have to come to the place where i accept it. i have good makeup, but it's not perfect. but it is who i am, and i hope that my eyes have enough light in them that people notice my eyes and not my scars. i want to carry myself like the song says (sans the magazine page):

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

the power to be, to give and to see - what a prayer. god, not only grant me serenity, but the power to be, to give and to see.

i love that the first verse speaks of seeing her - and the second about hearing her - this isn't just about looks, it's about being. complete. like i could be a tower - inside and out.

one of the videos for the song has kt tunstall singing to herself on the stage - knowing that the woman she sees is her complete self. this is why it means so much to me.

Here's the video amy sent me (and the lyrics follow)

Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

st. lucy day

2008-12-13T18:09:00.007-04:00

i am scandanavian by heritage and growing up i had no spiritual heroines - so st. lucy, the bringer of the light was such a gift to me when i heard about her a few years back.

i so wanted pink to grow up differently than i did - so i figured celebrating santa lucia was a great way to do that. the first year we even made saffron buns, did the wreathe, the white nightgown and candles - it was beautiful. last year we decided that the buns weren't that good, and we liked our raisin tea biscuits better, so we made them instead. this year she had been asking about it (we celebrate st. nicks day for buck and we draw names and make home made presents that we leave in each others shoe the night before) for weeks. i really thought she was looking forward to it.

after our party set up last night (our small group is hosting a blast of a christmas party for our church tonight (my idea) at the university) she intimated that she was feeling put out and her best friend even voiced in about how much work it was for her. it was the first time i have been 'triangulated' by my daughter. i know it won't be the last, but i must say it stung. i don't do social situations well in the first place, let alone with all the weird stress between liam and i - and so this on top of it just bruised me.

i reassured her that st. lucy day was never a punishment and if it wasn't working for her that we could let it go. i grieved it a bit this a.m. as i awoke (liam and i had a lovely morning talk and cleared a lot of the air around here). i realized that sometimes i push on pink those things that i want so badly for myself. so i internalized st. lucy day and was determined to bring the light myself.

as i was getting ready for the party luciano pavaroti's santa lucia came on itunes and i realized again that today was st. lucy day - the day of the party i have been planning for over a month. how beautiful that it was a day that i get to bring light to my community.

i am dressed in my most favorite new clothes, feeling like $10000000 and holding the light inside. no expectations, just going to be present to my community and enjoy all of the hard work i have done with my beloved friends to prepare.

happy saint lucy day!

oh the irony is palpable

2008-12-12T12:26:00.000-04:00

do i sound like chicken little? the sky is literally falling around here. my son yells "mom, the kitchen ceiling is caving in!"... what a metaphor for life today.

hope deferred

2008-12-12T11:16:00.004-04:00

this verse is running through my head this morning:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12

i am heartsick. liam's reassurances the other day truly caused hope to blossom in my life. he told me that W (how i'm going to refer to the therapist, i think his presence will play a big role in my blogging over the next few months, and i can't keep calling him "the therapist"...) had assigned him some remedial connection time with me. fool that i am i believed that he might actually be serious in following through with it. it was just a connection time each night (well, i thought it was supposed to be each night, he said he never said that - it was only supposed to be a couple of times, but it doesn't matter anyway because it never happened once), hold my hands, look into my eyes and do something simple together like the daily examen or something like that.

that was like an oasis in the distance to my dry, parched soul. i am so angry at myself for really believing he would do it, try it, attempt it, at least once.

every night after dinner i waited, anxious, hopeful, passive. i knew it wasn't my work to do, so most nights i retreated to our room to work on my own step work (resentments.. ironic how this is pairing with this phase in his recovery, it's bringing such pain and anger to the surface for me) so that i am not tempted to work his program, but do my own. i ended up crushed, wounded and defeated. i tried to be patient, wait and interact like a grown up. i even expressed my feelings on a walk to our kids christmas party the other night, hoping that might engage him in the process again. i figured that his own shame in having to face W today would at least motivate him to give it a try. last night he didn't even attempt it. plopped himself down in front of that damn television while i read in our room. alone. again. naturally.

last night was my meeting night. i knew that two of the faithfuls had a work christmas party, but hoped that others might show up. we had six last week. nope. last night i was alone. again. naturally.

i set up everything. everything. i laid out the literature, even though i knew no one would show. i surrounded the table with chairs i knew would sit empty. i read aloud to an empty room because i was there. i showed up. i needed that meeting last night like i needed the air in my lungs right now. i read step 12 out of the oa 12&12 - it was beautiful. it reminded me again why each and every one of those steps i am working on are so important in my life. i managed to fill 30 minutes. i just couldn't sit alone there for 30 more. so i carefully put everything back, locked up the church and took a walk for 30 minutes in the freezing rain. i was warm enough and my hood kept the moisture off me. and i enjoyed all of the beauty of the christmas lights and the hideousness of those horrible inflate-a-mate lawn decorations. i must say they are as obscene to me as the idea of a blow up doll replacing a live human female. but last night even they were comforting in some strange, small town way.

but today i am heartsick. shaming myself for believing him. angry at myself for getting my hopes up. how i long for that tree of life. i will not fall for counterfeit fruit though. by working the steps i know that i'm willing to wait for the real thing.

i hope you dance

2008-12-11T14:19:00.001-04:00

one of my fb friends put this in his update today - and i watched, thought of pink and got all misty.

i hope you dance too...

after the meme

2008-12-11T14:18:00.002-04:00

ha - i read on a couple of tags i did after the meme that they felt the same way i did after - "why did i write that? what will they think of me?" and then i went "duh, why in the world would you be embarrassed about any of that here - you blog on sexual addiction - you've knocked down those walls already - anyone who reads your blog knows this about you already!" :D

10 Points Meme

2008-12-10T16:18:00.003-04:00

hope tagged me in the 'honest to god' meme:

There are rules.
List 10 honest things about yourself.
Pass around some linky love, seven to be honest.

1. i hate doing things over. i rarely re-watch movies or re-read books. going backwards bothers me, but i don't mind getting lost and having to turn around a few times to be adventurous and find places i've never been before.

2. i love fun undies. i have lived most of my life in granny pants, but since i have lost weight i love wearing fun undies.

3. i lost my virginity in the boys dorm at bible college.

4. unless i know that someone truly wants to talk to me i loathe the telephone. it weighs 400 lbs. most days. i don't mind receiving calls, but i am horrible at picking up the phone. i think it's because i'm always afraid that i'm keeping the person from something they'd rather be doing...

5. i am SO far behind in my school work. so far. it's embarrassing. the deadlines are soft, and my grades are not affected, and my profs are kind - too kind, and without deadlines i have no motivation. everything else creeps in and pushes it aside. although my new little friend the alphasmart is the best tool i have ever bought myself. i can write like the wind without having a screen to distract me. if you want/need to write and find the computer too distracting i highly recommend it. i got an older version on ebay for $40.00 (make sure to buy one w/ cables are they are hard to find)

6. i got a superhero necklace for my anniversary last year (2007) from liam (duh) and i believe it truly has magical powers. something happened when i put that necklace on. i had asked andrea to add 2" to the length so that it wouldn't be a choker. since that time all 2" has come off and i LOVE chokers now and can't get enough of them. i think it was this superhero necklace that empowered me to truly feel amazing about myself, begin to take care of myself in a new way and not be so afraid of loosing the weight i had been packing myself with all of these years.

7. it bothers me that i am secretly glad oprah has gained her weight back. i hate that she has made dieting trendy again. i so want her to admit her food addiction and find recovery. it drove me nuts that someone who had personal shoppers, chefs & exersize guru's at her fingertips made every other normal, overweight woman feel like a failure because she just couldn't do it. it's not that i wish her ill. i just want her to model recovery instead of dieting.

8. i am avoiding our finances. my school debt is freaking me out and i can't even do the most normal things like checking bank balances and paying bills without it putting rocks in my stomach. i loved living debt free and hate that it is my schooling that is causing this. i'm just so afraid that if i don't finish i never will.

9. i have the prettiest dress, shoes and coat to wear to our christmas party this weekend and i am so excited to be able to dress up. i got it all at thrift stores (shoes at clearance store) and didn't pay over $30.00 for all of it - but i will look and feel like $100000000.00

10. liam has been working out and i am loving his toned body. not enough to work out myself yet, but dang this is a fringe benefit that i had not figured i'd ever get to enjoy personally again.

wow - way more information than you probably wanted to know... but it's where my head is right now (scary stuff, eh?) i'm avoiding getting ready for our jr. high christmas party right now, so i guess i was thinking about getting ready.... strange. i am tempted to erase this and start over, but it was called "honest to god" right?

i am tagging:

sarah louise
renee
chicken pax
deb
stephanie
anj
amy

blowin' in the wind

2008-12-09T12:26:00.003-04:00

yesterday was rough. probably one of the most difficult days i have allowed myself to have in a very long time. i felt terror, empty, panic, pain, temptation, confusion, and a whole host of other emotions. mostly i felt alone. i IM'd w/ hope for some time yesterday, it was a godsend, but left me feeling desperate for someone in my life close by who had a shoulder i could cry on. liam has always been there for that and yesterday even he felt far away.

i know that much of what i felt was far bigger than this situation with liam. it was the 'carving out' of long ago pain and familiar emotion that i have protected myself from so many times with my addictions. yesterday i felt it all. most of the time with my head in my hands weeping, or curled into a ball, clutching a pillow in bed. i have been quite buttoned up as of late and the grief was very cathartic.

throughout most of it i knew that much of what i was feeling, while very real, was only one perspective on this situation. that nothing in my life had truly changed, but everything was going to be different. i told hope that for the first time in a long time i really wanted my mom. the real bobbie. i'm glad now that she wasn't around, her comfort always tied deeply into my addictions, and she was my number one enabler. i faced yesterday and felt the emotion without reaching for my familiar comforts. i found healthy ways to express my pain and soothe my soul. your prayers, candles and space being held for me was tangible - i could feel it like tent pegs and poles holding me up. but the hollow places were very real. hope wondered if i could make friends with hollow. i swore and told her that was exactly what i was wondering too. psfd.

instead of shaming myself yesterday for feeling the way i was feeling i decided to sit with those emotions and understand what i was feeling. i realized i couldn't change my perspective unless i felt what it was right now.

the image that came to my mind was of a kite loose from it's string. i truly felt alone in the world. set aloft. i pictured that kite i flew with friends this summer at the beach. i danced with the wind that day. it was one of my most joyful of the summer. if i close my eyes right now i can fel how it felt to dance again.

when liam got home he came to the bedroom where i was curled and he listened and held me as i wept. i voiced my frustration and my fear. my deep desire to be known. to be understood. to have that soul mate. i questioned him to try to understand what he means when he says 'i love you' - does he feel emotion with those words, or are they just learned behavior? he told me that everything he knows to be true about love he feels for me. he reassured me that this was his work to do, and that he had begun. that although we had realized something, we had realized it and now he could begin.

i had such a throbbing head ache. he rubbed my head and prayed for me. he asked that god give me a new metaphor that would help me through this. i remembered the kite and echoed his prayer.

this morning i awoke to a great sense of peace and serenity. it was beautiful to realize that i did not break my abstinence, i made it through and worked my program and as i came to the computer i read this and realized that this truly is what most of my fear was all about. the winds of change. i teared up as i realized that god was building beautifully into the metaphor that i already had and re-framing it in such a beautiful way:

Accepting Change

The winds of change blow through our life, sometimes gently, sometimes like a tropical storm. Yes, we have resting places - time to adjust to another level of living, time to get our balance, time to enjoy the rewards. We have time to catch our breath.

But change is inevitable, and desirable.

Sometimes, when the winds of change begin to rustle, we're not certain the change is for the better. We may call it stress or a temporary condition, certain we'll be restored to normal. Sometimes, we resist. We tuck our head down and buck the wind, hoping that things will quickly calm down, get back to the way things were. Is it possible we're being prepared for a new "normal"?

Change will sweep through our life, as needed, to take us where we're going. We can trust that our Higher Power has a plan in mind, even when we don't know where the changes are leading.

We can trust that the change-taking place is good. The wind will take us where we need to go.

Today, help me, God, to let go of my resistance to change. Help me be open to the process. Help me believe that the place I'll be dropped off will be better than the place where I was picked up. Help me surrender, trust, and accept, even if I don't understand.

You are reading from the book:

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

i am not crazy

2008-12-08T09:53:00.004-04:00

two posts in one day - back to back - what is this world coming to?

i need to get this out, a lot has happened this weekend emotionally and relationally and i need to interact with it.

i know i've blogged a lot about liam and earlier this fall even about his depression. he has been seeing the same therapist i have seen and he's making some real progress. liam and i had a really deep, really intense conversation on a drive the other day and i think he has finally understood something i have been saying for years.

i don't think i've ever really blogged about it here, so i'll try to start at the beginning. i have known liam for 25 years. 21+ of those we have been married. for about 20 of those years i have always thought it was me. always thought it was my problem, always thought i was crazy. these past five years i still suspected that i was inventing this, because my husband is so kind, helpful and involved, but last week in his session his (our) therapist confirmed that liam really has an attachment disorder. this has manifested itself in a few different ways, but most of them have slowly eroded their way into my psyche. water dripping on rock, carving out places that were never meant to be gone. most of those places are deep in my soul. deep in those soft places that are so intimate and private.

many of these places were probably begun in my relationship with my father, and that's probably why we fit together so well in the first place. all i know is that i am grieving. i am so sad. there is some relief in the fact that i am not crazy, but it is little salve to my soul.

things do make so much more sense now, but the way forward seems so hard. i told him that this kind of thing is the reason why marriages of decades dissolve. the psychic energy this takes over the long haul is so exhausting that when it is finally realized the way forward just seems somehow too far.

trying to help him see the damage that has been done seems fruitless. it's part of the problem. how do you live with someone who has never apologized and meant it? how do you live with someone who doesn't feel any ability to connect with your words, feelings and emotions? how do you make love to someone who's only ability to connect with you is physically? i feel like a fool. like someone who has convinced themselves that something is true because they really, really, really wanted it to be be true.

i know that liam loves me in the fullest extent of his ability to do so - but what does that make the past 25 years? have i been making it all up? have i been fooling myself? have i be so gullible and naive that i filled in all of the blanks myself? shit. i didn't want to have to go here. i didn't want to have to make this winter hard. damn. i don't want this trauma and depth this season. i've done my work. i've worked my program. i've slogged through my emotions and pain and i don't want to get sucked back in. damn.

i don't know the way forward. i know that i have been through the worst of it. i have lived with a man in deep denial and been in deep denial myself. it won't be easy, but it will get better, but damn it seems like so much work and i feel like such a schmuck. most of all i am just tired. tired and so very, very sad.

e/s/h

2008-12-08T09:46:00.003-04:00

got an email today from a blogger friend in relapse. i'm sharing my response here in case it might help anyone else:

relapse is terrifying and i hear/feel your pain/fear. please know that i am praying for you as i type.

unhealthy recovery groups are sometimes more of a hindrance than a healing space. i am so sorry for that. our group is so small and it's taking quite some time to get things to a healthy place. we're the only one in a 90 minute drive radius, so it makes it hard when it's not scratching where i itch - but i "keep coming back" because i know that it's the place i need to be.

one of the things that helps me is to pray that there will be ONE THING that i can get from each meeting - just one thing - and i pray for that and the ears to hear it (i do this with my therapist too - actually even in conversations with friends too) - god just give me one golden thread to follow here - and make it shiny enough for me to see it - and then help me follow it to where you want me to focus.

i figure that if god can use a donkey to speak his truth he can use anything in my life to speak to me if i'm willing to listen.

baby steps for me are the key to my recovery. finding one right thing i can do, give up, set aside for a couple of weeks so that i can get some victory and momentum going. cold turkey & extreme measures NEVER work for me - if i have to give everything up it's easier to throw in the towel.

first i pray to be willing to be willing - and god answers that prayer. then i make a list of my binge foods - what is the chemical & emotional triggers that are setting me spinning? then i pick one - for me it started 9+ years ago with chocolate - i knew that was my biggest trigger and caused me the most shame. i was eating a box of little debbie swiss rolls by my self (in one sitting) each and every day. so i took chocolate off my list - i still ate sugar (actually zebra cakes each and ever day at the beginning) - just to get the chocolate and it's chemical dependence out of my system. i didn't shame myself for the zebra cakes - they weren't part of my current abstinence - it was a baby step. when i was able to get about 3 months under my belt i made another choice - the victory from being able to succeed at something (anything) meant that i wasn't as big of a loser as i had felt before i started - and that victory moved me to take another baby step. i have had 9 years of tiny baby steps - all based on victories, not shame and not extremes.

extremes are self defeating. they are dieting. and i am as compulsive about dieting as i am about eating. i cannot diet. diets rip each and every food out of our system - and i believe that we were meant to enjoy food - communion is a good thing.

the other thing that i have found out in this past year is that i am probably hypoglycemic - and that not eating filling, regular meals at regular times was causing me to need to snack. by eating 3 very filling, varied meals - lots of proteins, complex carbs and fruits & vegs - and i mean lots - my meals are not diet meals - i am full after i eat every meal - no dieting for me - it allowed me to make it to my next meal with my blood sugar intact. i think that for most of my life that panicky feeling that comes when my blood sugars dropped caused me to binge and break my abstinence.

i think that most oa's shame themselves for enjoying a real meal and still worry about what others think about what you put on your plate. i have stopped worrying about that - i know my body - and it's working. it's almost like i have kicked in my metabolism to it's proper place. i don't eat empty calories - and i don't eat my binge foods - and i do eat with relish everything else - and i enjoy it - and my body feels good - and my brain feels good and my emotions feel good.

something has clicked and i like it. it's not a food plan that works for everyone and they would probably kick me out of a meeting for saying some of this - but i don't think god intended for me to despise food - it is one of my basic needs, and it's something that is used to bring community and wholeness to people - i think that making food the enemy really goes a long way in defeating most oa-er's - it doesn't need to be my best friend any more - but it definitely doesn't need to be my enemy either. i'm not fighting the food anymore. i feeling my feelings (most of the time) :D and trying to learn from them.

figuring out why some foods have an emotional hook to them too has helped me greatly. binging on cookie dough was more about the fact that it brought back the memory of my grandmother coming to visit and make cookies with me - nurture me and care for me, and that my parents were always on their best behavior and that we felt like a real family during those times - that's really what i was hoping cookie dough would give me - it never did... but finding out why that had it's hooks into me helped so much. figuring out ways to nurture myself, to find other women who nurture me - and to take that lack and that want to god and allow it to be lack has helped that food to loose it's power of me. and i know that when it's calling to me again i can use that as a flag to remind me that i'm low on my nurture tanks and need to do some good self care and some interaction with healthy, nurturing people.

clearing you out for some new delight

2008-12-05T08:05:00.003-04:00

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house empty
of its furniture, still,
treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

Source: Rumi, The Guest House

via inward/outward

so this is christmas

2008-12-01T08:29:00.000-04:00

paying it forward

commander in chief

2008-11-26T09:40:00.003-04:00

news on the huffpo today that gwb could be drinking again. i am not a fan of the man, but my heart goes out to him during this time. i know he's made his bed, hell, he's made all our beds, but recovery is hard enough when you work your program on a good day - let alone when the whole world hates you (for real)...

also news that his mom is in the hospital...

life just doesn't get easier sometimes. i said a prayer for him today. if this isn't bottom and he's not working his program, i don't know how bad it would have to get for him to get sober again.

i really feel for laura - i read she's writing a memoir - i wonder how honest she'll let herself be?

there were so many times in his eight years that i heard the clouded alcoholic thinking in his words or saw in his choices. so many times i thought "he's not working a program" or "there is no evidence of serenity in his life or words"... scary to think that even a white-knuckle drunk president had so much power.

the clarity and decisiveness that BO speaks with tells me that he is the most diferentiated person we have seen in a very long time. so healthy. i pray he stays that way.

one of my greatest fears about john mccain was that he showed great evidince of addiction in his lifestyle and choices. i knew that our world could not afford another unrecovered addict in the white house.

god bless america.

my mind and my time

2008-11-24T06:37:00.000-04:00

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

A man is what he thinks about all day long.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

This is true for women too. We sure learned that about our disease as well. It kept us thinking about alcohol or drugs all day every day until we could think of little else. Finally we became addicts, gobbled up by our all consuming thoughts and cravings.

Now in recovery, we can be something else. We are becoming free of our addiction, and our minds can think about other things. What do we want to think about? What do we want to be?

It's easy to let the noise around us tell us what to think about. At the end of the day, we can end up feeling out of touch with who we are. We've been giving our minds to whatever is on the radio, television, or the gossip grapevine at work or school. That's why it's good to spend part of each day thinking about things we truly think are important and worthwhile.

Prayer for the Day

Higher Power, Help me understand that what I do with my mind and my time is important. What I do with my mind is my inner life. What I do with my time is my outer life. Together they define who I am.

Today's Action

I will think about the way I use my mind and my time today. What feels good and fits for me? Is there anything I want to do differently tomorrow?

You are reading from the book:

God Grant Me... by Anonymous

365

2008-11-21T22:25:00.004-04:00

i celebrate an anniversary today. 365 days - one year - 3 meals a day, 0 snacks, 1 day at a time. writing every night in my journal - for 365 days i have done it. this past year has been the most rich and rewarding time i have ever experienced in my 43 years on this planet.

something deep inside me has shifted. it is truly beautiful.

back in october i celebrated 9 years without chocolate, sexual addiction and evening readings. this past year has been more powerful than the previous 8 combined - but together they have changed everything.

the promises are coming/have come true in so many ways.

i have found myself, and i really, truly like who i am today.

10 sizes, lots of weight - i am as compulsive about weighing myself and being tempted to diet as i am compulsive about over eating, so that is a part of life i abstain from too, i have no idea how much weight i have lost, but usually 10 lbs. is a size for me, so it could be as much as 100 lbs. i have no idea. the temptation to weigh has been there far too often, but i know deep in my heart that the number will drill it's way into my little brain and torture me. i track my weight by the way my clothes fit. it's working for me, so i think i'll keep doing it.

for once in my life i truly feel comfortable in my own skin. i am happier with my body and myself today than i was in high school or college. i literally can't remember the last time i had a 34" waist. 7th grade? i really don't know. and the best thing about it is that the weight is a side effect of what is happening deep inside of me. it is not the goal, it is just a happy coincidence. my physical, spiritual and emotional life truly gives me such joy.

it's not perfect by any stretch, and i have not arrived, but i am thrilled with today and will awaken tomorrow to keep taking it one day at a time. thanks for journeying with me, i know that my blogging has been affected by my journaling. but i have gotten in touch with my voice in a very different way.

yay me. i am so proud of myself. i shared this with my group tonight and it says so beautifully a lot of what this year has encompassed for me. i was so surprised to find it in the psalms. it has recovery written all over it:

Psalm 18:20-24
GOD made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
he gave me a fresh start.
Now I'm alert to GOD's ways;
I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
GOD rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

i have a dream...

2008-11-19T16:25:00.005-04:00

well, a vision more than a dream. i don't know if this will be a return to blogging, but i needed to get these thoughts out in a safe place or my head will definitely explode.

i just had the most exciting meeting in my life. i know that could be hyperbole, but i don't think it is. i have dreamed of figuring out what i'm supposed to do in this community, and i think i just cleared the first real hurdle to finding out what that might be.

one of the ways my mind works is that when i hear about problems i begin to think about them to see if someone's problem might be someone else's solution. a few weeks ago i heard that the catholic churches in our community are being consolidated. each and every day i look out my kitchen window i see one of those churches. i began to think that possibly, just possibly their problem was my solution. i know that i will never have such an opportunity in my life to pioneer something like i do right now. we don't rely on me to provide any income at the moment, and i know it's time to begin to make myself more useful outside of the house. i think it is the ideal time to start something.

i have been praying long and hard to figure out what that something is. so many of my conversations lately have been with people about "next" and what it might be. today i met with a man who influences this discussion and i was heard, honored and encouraged. it was such a god appointment. so much fun and so life giving.

i think it might be possible that my solution to their problem just might be a real god answer to both of our paths. i can hardly believe it really could move to the next level. i have never stepped out like this before and not gotten my toes chopped off. to have firm ground under my feet feels really good.

i sent erin an email in response to something she sent me and said "PRAY" - she wrote back and said "how can you do this and do a house too?" i forgot to blog that after the financial crunch hit that beginning a mortgage seemed like a really dumb idea - so unless god gives us a home i think we'll keep our options open. (although i did just get a tour of the parish house today and it would suit our needs beautifully...)

anyway - i am putting together the beginnings of a proposal for monday and eventually hope to be giving that proposal to the local bishop. i found out today that the women's shelter in our community used to be a nunnery - and that it is leased from the catholic church for $1.00/year. that's the kind of miracle i'm hoping for here. any prayers, advice or encouragement on this would be appreciated. our community is in desperate need of a place where all are welcome and that can give life and stability to many. it is my vision that this might be that kind of place. thanks for listening.

where i've been...

2008-11-18T06:32:00.000-04:00

If you want to identify me, ask me not where I live, or what I like to eat, or how I comb my hair, but ask me what I think I am living for, in detail, and ask me what I think is keeping me from living fully for the thing I want to live for. Between these two answers you can determine the identity of any person.

Thomas Merton

via inward/outward

wholly ground

2008-11-07T08:09:00.000-04:00

Maybe
it is after we have made it
or have been made
whole and holy by it
that we can shuck it off
like a husk
and become it
not just dwell on it
now, being wholly ground,
ashes to ashes
dust to dust
being
close enough to the ground
to hear the steady pulse
of eternity.
Oh, yes, we want a love
we can hold in our palm
and a place on a map called
Holy,
not a wonderland tale
where we are someone else's
dream
where we are the real
estate
for the ground of being.
But wait --
look
the door is open!
It is so easy to offer your heart
to holiness.
The slightest tip of your hat
is all it takes.

Source: Loretta Ross, Making Sanctuary, Vol. 16, No. 4, The Sanctuary

Add your thoughts at inward/outward

happy-go-lucky

2008-10-10T09:02:00.002-03:00

re-framing the situations and story i find myself in has been one of the best new tools in my box lately. i think perspective has TONS to do with how we choose to move through life. i remember the story of the twin boys, one optimist, one pessimist, on christmas morning. the parents tried help each boy to a more realistic perspective on life and gave the pessimist a pony and the optimist a big pile of poo - and the optimist jumps for joy and starts digging, conviced that there must be a pony buried in there somewhere.

finding the silver lining, or at least re-framing my circumstances has helped me so much in this past year to have a more positive outlook.

this film trailer is one of the most hopeful, shiny moments i have had in quite some time, i just can't wait to see the film:

happy-go-lucky

the process of liberation

2008-10-07T06:08:00.002-03:00

Who Can Free Us?

It is only the oppressed who, by freeing themselves, can free their oppressors. The latter, as an oppressive class, can free neither others nor themselves. It is therefore essential that the oppressed wage the struggle to resolve the contradiction in which they are caught, and the contradiction will be resolved by the appearance of the new (wo)man: neither oppressor nor oppressed, but (wo)man in the process of liberation. If the goal of the oppressed is to become fully human, they will not achieve their goal by merely reversing the terms of the contradiction, by simply changing poles.

Paulo Freire, Pedagogy of the Oppressed

via inward/outward

what a guy!

2008-10-04T07:36:00.001-03:00

are you registered to vote?

2008-10-02T06:08:00.000-03:00

a light in the darkness

2008-09-29T14:05:00.003-03:00

i can hardly begin to tell you now having no expectations this weekend led to one of the most enjoyable times liam and i have ever experienced together. on friday he saw the therapist - all on his own, scheduled without my involvement and he told me that afterward he began to understand and admit that there was more to what i was seeing than he wanted to acknowledge. he will go back in two weeks and shared much of the connections he is making.

i think that initiative allowed me to trust him again and be open to whatever this weekend had in store for us. and oh my what a weekend. it surpassed even what my imagination could have constructed. holding things with open hands and no expectations helped me so much to be present to what happened instead of comparing it to something in my head that wasn't happening like i imagined.

the spa was glorious (although it never crossed my mind that i might have a male masseuse - it definitely freaked me out for a couple of minutes and then i just finally relaxed and enjoyed it) the hotel is old world charm and our room was glorious. we walked in to a surprise gift basket filled with things only our closest friends might have known we loved (and none of the things they knew we wouldn't enjoy like chocolate or alcohol) the card was not signed, so our secret angels wanted their anonymity protected. all in all i just felt so much love, comfort and joy. i know that so many of you were praying and i continually felt buoyed up throughout the weekend.

so many times we just looked at each other and giggled that it could be so fun and care free at this stage of our lives. i am still amazed.

thank you again for your words, thoughts and prayers. it truly was a celebration.

feeling less desperate

2008-09-26T12:19:00.002-03:00

i think that getting things off my chest helped a lot to lessen the panicky feelings i was having.

because i have struggled with depression myself far too many times in my 42 years i can feel it's pull. seeing that black hole in our home again gave me such a fright. hearing that sucking noise again removes rational thought from my mind and steals my serenity as it calls to me.

somehow i felt like meg trying to save charles wallace from danger i was more able to understand. it all seemed so very urgent. talking about it has returned perspective, helped me to grasp my place in the world. remove the drama and replace the reality. liam is not a five year old being stalked by a vortex of evil and no matter how much i wish it to be true, i am not meg murray.

b.r.e.a.t.h.e.

so this weekend i get to be poly and head to the ocean instead.

new life does come from compost

2008-09-23T09:48:00.004-03:00

our wonder from down under, kel left this encouragement in my comments yesterday:

"new life does come from compost"

all of your phone calls, emails and comments mean so much - thank you.

one thing written by a friend stuck out dramatically to me - "may you have... the wisdom and sobriety to discern what is reality". that nailed it for me. i have been doubting myself and my own reality and what i know to be true for months now. it has affected my sanity and i have many times wondered if i was crazy.

liam isn't non-functioning - he is working, helpful and doing everything - doing, doing, doing... being on the other hand has evaporated. he told me this morning "i don't fit any of the classic symptoms so your diagnosis can't be true". i looked at him with tears in my eyes and reminded him that i knew where he once was and where he is now, and the two are so drastically different. he can "do" all he wants to to prove i'm wrong, but he can't seem to "be" who i knew him to be anymore.

the crux of this is that his addiction of workaholism looks so damn healthy. i said this morning that if it was booze or food or any other behavior he'd be able to see that "doing" more isn't really helping. the conversation ended with promises he's made for years now that have gone unfulfilled. i finally told him i didn't believe him any more. it wasn't going to go away because he felt bad, or even faked through an effort.

you see i wouldn't really care so much if we weren't going away to "celebrate" our anniversary this weekend. we were given a night in a world class hotel with a spa package by friends who are even watching our kids for us while we're gone. when i can't even muster up some excitement for that you know it's bad. i'm trying for all i'm worth, but the idea of false intimacy and sex with someone i feel so very far away from right now makes me feel hollow inside.

i will comb the beach, read a good book, enjoy my pedicure and massage and being apart from my kids for a night, but i let him know that there would be no intimacy unless it is real and emotional. physical intimacy without that leaves me feeling so desperately alone afterward. i'm so needy that i usually say yes, but i hate myself in the end.

i think that is what prompted me to finally talk about it. to write about it and to answer honestly when people asked me how things were going. i'm tired of living a lie.

i sat next to him at a wedding this weekend and for the first time in my life i did not connect emotionally with the vows. for the first time i thought "till death?" - what about life? where is the life? why aren't there any vows about living?

i'm placing the rest of kel's comment here so i can remind myself of their truth:

"how it impacts your life, as an individual, wife, mother, IS your story to tell, if you want or need to

there is nothing worse than having something affect your entire life, yet not being able to talk about it, to "protect" those who caused the situation in the first place"

thank you again for all of your support. it means the world to me.

out of respect for the depressed...

2008-09-22T16:46:00.003-03:00

i thought of calling this post "out of respect for the dead", because depression sure feels like emotional deadness to me while i'm on the outside looking in. i think i figured out why i have been so silent here. i'm not very good at not talking about EVERYTHING - and you see this everything lately has little to do with me and my journey. it's shitty being married to a depressed spouse. shitty.

i have been silent because i thought it's not my story to tell, it seemed too private some how. but i've also realized that part of me is dying inside. i don't live closed up and shuttered. i never have. i can't work his program. i can't make him get help. i can't do anything but my own stuff, so i'm back. working my program. and part of that is processing my life. this is an anonymous blog. yes, most of you know me, and some of you know him - but i can't stop moving forward anymore. it's scary as hell, but i need to talk about this. i need to open the shutters and get some fresh air in here.

it has begun to affect my own mental health and recovery and that is just not an option. any prayers or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign...

2008-09-06T15:43:00.006-03:00

Okay, I give.

Coming home from camping the other day we stopped at the Goodwill and I peeked through the housewares section quickly. Stacked in amongst the frames I found a print by one of my favorite artists, maryanne radmacher. i was so tickled.

then, i saw it was signed. by her. in pencil. right at the signature. a signed maryanne radmacher print for $2.99. then i read it. gasp.

may your walls know joy;
may every room hold laughter
and
every window
open to
great
possibility.

the side of the print has a portion torn from a dictionary for "home", it has words like "focus, habitation, near, interior, arrival, refuge, present within, at ease, social gathering, be at, to visitors, freedom, pleasure, content, make oneself free, sociable, stay at, knowledge, skill, with friendship.

the little block under it has the words to favour, gain the friendship of, embrace; receive with open arms, meet half way, take in good part, affected, unhostile, neighbourly, sympathetic, harmonious, hearty.

it is a housewarming print and i got mine right from the artist. :D

yesterday i was im'ing with penni and she asked about the house. i told her i was beginning to chicken out. i felt some fear in the disappointment and was avoiding doing what was next. there is a business man at our church who walked our friends through the difficult process of returning the house to the bank, and i knew he would be the person to ask to help us. for some reason i was avoiding making the call.

penni gave me a shove. i got off the computer, picked up the phone and called. he wasn't home, but called me back. he was so excited. i could just hear it in his voice that this might bring this journey full circle for him too. he said he'd be happy to help us meet with the right people at the right time and help us to figure out what the bid should be and how to navigate the process well. he said that this kind of thing is one of his favorite things to do - so his excitement in all of this reassured me that doing 'the next right thing' was exactly the right thing. thank you penni for the push! he cautioned me though that this could definitely take some time. banks don't move quickly and i reassured him that we weren't in any rush (but in my heart of heart I WANT IT yesterday!)

then last night i shared vaguely about this process. our group knows that my heart beats for a home, for some roots. i had only shared with one couple so far of THIS particular home. they prayed for us - and three of them said specifically "by Christmas" - by Christmas - I gasped. Really? I barely could ask for so much. One of the women heard in my voice my hesitation and spoke directly to my insecurity of being afraid of asking for something so big. that somehow i didn't think i deserved this. it was truly beautiful.

i joked afterward as we were making plans for the next week that we would host the christmas party! :)

then today after we were done garage sailing (we do sail through them!) we went out for chinese buffet. we have a tradition in our family that the fortune cookies are disbursed by taking the one closest to you, otherwise it could mess up the karma (no spiritual beliefs here, just laid back joking, honest). i don't know if i mentioned in the last post that one of the things that really started me down this path was our financial advisor giving us a bit of a shove into this and that shortly after that we had chinese and liam got a fortune that read "You will move to a wonderful new home within the year." - it was such a joke for us, but stranger things have been known to happen. i kind of held on to that and only really remembered it as "you will move into a new house" (the timing was lost to my memory).well, today the kids and i had opened our fortunes and they were pretty bland, and liam's was sitting there while he ate his dessert - and i joked and handed it to him saying in a spooky voice "you will move into a new house"... and guess what. it's EXACTLY THE ONE HE GOT!

within the year. from liam's fortune cookie to god's ear...

sexual addiction is making the news

2008-09-01T13:30:00.004-03:00

David Duchovny's sex disorder likened to alcoholism.

Is Sexual Addiction Real?

When Sex becomes an Addiction

redemption songs

2008-08-28T10:55:00.002-03:00

i can't believe it's the last weekend of the summer. it has flown by and been glorious. we head off today to celebrate the end of the season with friends camping on the coast.

it has been a summer of dreams and deep conversations. it feels wonderful to be dreaming again. admitting hope and rising above the terror that disappointment could and might bring can be a mighty powerful thing.

one of the dreams that i have given voice to is my deep desire to own a home again. we have moved 18 times in our marriage. i am ready for some roots. i deeply long for a home to call our own again.

when we entered ministry over a decade ago we gave up the new home we had just purchased and entered into a long time of financial difficulty and strain. i have been praying that god would restore to us what the locust have eaten. we live very simple lives and i could rent for the remainder if it was god's will. (i type that in recovery terms, not the "god's will" or my fundamental upbringing - those are two very different things to me now even though they occupy the same language).

i am ready. i long to sink deep roots into rich soil. it is fertile here and we know that this could be home forever and continue to nurture us greatly and allow us to nurture others.

some of our best friends here have gone through one of the most hellish summers i know. the beginnings of a business, a dream of restoration and creating homes for our community got quickly off course and deeply troublesome for them. the home he was flipping is being returned to the bank this week. from the outside it still looks like a spook house, but inside. oh inside. it is a house dreams are made of. the original family suffered great loss, bankruptcy and divorce. the house was left in shambles. it has begun to be restored. another family suffering great loss and difficulties that threatened the very fiber of their family, but they have made it through. we walked along side them.

the redemption in this property is palpable. it drips of restoration and redemption. i have never wanted anything this badly in my life. never. maybe i have but have never admitted it before? i don't know. but this. this i long for. this i desire. not in a broken, spoiled "give it to me or i will punish you" way, but in a 'deep desire of the heart' kind of way. the redemption story here is just too great. it is bigger than a house, it is bigger than a home. i want to tell this story of restoration. i want to live in a home that reclaims that loss.

it is just one piece of property and i know that other places have different stories to tell, and maybe my house is one of them. but i am so intimately tied into this one already, i would love to see it's fulfillment.

most of you know that liam's father passed away last spring. we had prayed that there might be some financial benefit passed to his kids. so far there is no word of that. i got an email from his stepmother this morning in my inbox, right after liam and i prayed together about this. it was the standard forward email, but i took the time to update her on our lives and felt the nudge to tell her of this dream. property values in our little town on the edge of civilization are laughable by other standards. we're talking very little money here. but i am praying that god will move her. cause her to understand how very much some small generosity on her part could have huge repercussions in our lives.

next week we have an appointment with our new financial adviser. he was the one who planted this seed of possibility in our heads at the beginning of summer. i don't know where it will lead, but i want to be done with small dreams that never disappoint. i want to reach beyond the fear and hope for something so big that it just might happen.

i long to sing my own redemption songs.

maybe why i haven't been blogging much???

2008-08-14T09:05:00.000-03:00

Hiddenness, a Place of Purification

One of the reasons that hiddenness is such an important aspect of the spiritual life is that it keeps us focused on God. In hiddenness we do not receive human acclamation, admiration, support, or encouragement. In hiddenness we have to go to God with our sorrows and joys and trust that God will give us what we most need.

In our society we are inclined to avoid hiddenness. We want to be seen and acknowledged. We want to be useful to others and influence the course of events. But as we become visible and popular, we quickly grow dependent on people and their responses and easily lose touch with God, the true source of our being. Hiddenness is the place of purification. In hiddenness we find our true selves.

Henri Nouwen

pushing through the crust

2008-07-23T09:40:00.014-03:00

i have enjoyed a season of peace and tranquility recently and i am hesitant to move past it. it feels like the crust that cools over the top of the hot lava and begins to turn to stone. hiding the heat and tumult that is lying just below the surface. last fall was so intense. so deep and so important. what happened after was the product of the hard soul work i had done, but very little has been done since that time. i've been content here on the surface and have enjoyed to joy of looking forward instead of within. deep within. (photo source)

i sensed last week though that i was avoiding things. that i was disengaged somehow. it is not normal for me and i know it signals a need for the next layer of the onion to be examined.

our holiday was magnificent. we were honored and graced with so much abundance it made me giddy. i know it will be one of my childrens most cherished memories. they will never hear the waves of the ocean without being reminded of that trip. it was truly special and i am very grateful.

i am sure that the lava bubbling below the surface now has much to do with my father and my own personhood. if there was a low to this trip it was seeing how unhealthy he has become. not just physically either. some days we were like two flies trying to find their way out of a trapped room, both banging on the screens and trying to escape. a couple of times he snapped and it caused me such sadness.

there were some sweet moments, but so often they were clouded by his inability to be present and i was reminded far too often of my own proclivity to isolate and withdraw out of fear and insecurity. there were also far too many times when i saw the parallels between my beloved husband and my ornery father. and the ache that created in my heart as i realized i did marry a man so much like him in the inner places, and yet so very different on the outside. i was able to identify the deep wounds that seem to reopen so frequently in my interactions with liam - shadowed pain that i react to instinctively. there were times this was so clear it took my breathe away.

i tried to sit with it and understand the deep triggers this engaged in me without lashing out to hurt those around me. most of that time was spent looking at my toes in the sand, agate hunting on the beach. my mind a whirl with comebacks, indignation and the deep desire to escape the pain.

there was a moment my father lashed out at me publicly and my aunts were able to see my pain and sought to comfort me. i was able to process my deep desire to stand up for myself and speak to my father about all that i have wanted to say for years. i just knew that i didn't want to have any of it clouded by anger, cruelty or childish behavior that would taint my message and keep him from hearing me. talking with them, and liam helped prepare me as i knocked on his bedroom door.

i asked him if we could talk and he turned off the golf game. i acknowledged how difficult our relationship was and how simply he seemed to be able to relate to my sister. i spoke of the pain that comes from that, but understood that it was just as difficult for him as it was for me. he explained that his frustration with me stemmed mainly from my assumption that i always knew what he was going to say. i guess it was a bad habit i inherited from living together for five years. cutting to the quick instead of having to listen to his meandering instructions. i guess it was my way of reminding him i was really smarter than he was... i apologized and committed to trying to listen.

i then told him that what i had always wanted from him was for him to be proud of me and how i spent my whole childhood trying to reinvent myself to get his attention by doing the things that he liked, hunting, fishing and sports. i said that i was sure he always wanted a son because it seemed he was only able to relate to me when i was participating in more male activities and how hard it was for him never to just notice me for who i was and say things like "you're a really good mom and i'm proud of you." or things like that.

i left a gap hoping for some affirmation. it never came.

so i ventured into freedom. i knew that i would never get this chance again and that my motivation in this was not dad motivated, it was self motivated and i needed to separate myself from the subtle control i have let him exert over me in the past.

i then told him that most of all i wanted him to understand that my choice to use my gifts wasn't seated in rebellion. the most diabolical part of his control was the arrogance he lorded over me in judging that god was on his side theologically. it was never openly acknowledged, but i loathed the fact that in his mind i was thumbing my nose at him and god by making the choice for ministry i have made.

i was able, calmly and clearly, to talk to him about this and explain that there are many people in the kingdom who take scripture seriously who come down on the opposite side of his views. that i wasn't trying to change his mind and he could believe forever that i was mistaken, but that i wanted him to understand fully that i was not being rebellious. that was the burr that had rubbed me raw. i was really proud of myself for remaining calm, not hitting below the belt and not shaming him in any way. i spoke my peace, challenged him and his memory (especially of my mother and her gifts and spunk), honor myself and finally cut the unhealthy chord that tied me to him.

i left gaps in my explanation for him to talk and a few times i reminded him that i wasn't trying to change his mind and that i was okay if he never, ever supported me in this. strangely enough, i meant every word of it, and it became more true as i gave words to it. i realized that it is his loss. god will restore what the locust have eaten.

to his credit at the end of our conversation he did say that he would pray about it. i believe he will. i am more sure that the holy spirit, if he is open, can do far more than i would ever be able to accomplish.

so i didn't hear my coveted "i'm proud of you" or even a hearty "i love you", but i am truly okay with that. i just know that i have some inward work to do in this area to reclaim the places of me that have been lost to the many years of neglect and denial.

hodge podge post

2008-07-04T20:26:00.002-03:00

i can't believe how long it's been since i've actually blogged. i've highlighted a few things here and there, but putting words down has been sparse. i have been journalling and answering step questions for my sponsor, but blogging has been non-existent.

it will be for the next couple of weeks too. we leave sunday for the closest southwest airlines airport (5 1/2 hours away) and spend the night in town and fly monday to portland. we've got 2 nights there and then a week on the california border at my aunt's house. my dad's 5 sisters will all be there and i am guessing that this will be the last time i'll be able to be with all six of them together. they're all getting old. my favorite aunt had a stroke this past year, my dad isn't playing basketball with the kids anymore. he can still shoot and coach, but he told me today he's done playing (which shocked me and broke my heart) and the other four are all just about as unhealthy.

these five women are the last ancestral links (except for one maternal aunt) i have on the planet... they are incredible women. some endured very difficult spouses, addiction, heartache and trials of various types. they come (i come) from pioneer stock. i'm hoping to catalog and record many of their stories this time. we've got a couple digital video recorders and i'm hoping they can just forget they are there and keep talking. i'd hate to think that their stories pass with them. there is so much i want to know.

at the end of that week we have all rented two reunion houses on the pacific coast for 5 days and a lot of extended family will be joining us there. i can't believe how the details for this trip have fallen together. it really feels like a god thing.

i'm hoping to have a real heart-to-heart with my dad while i'm there. i so long to talk theology with him. he still holds so tightly to that old plymouth brethren mindset. i know it was special to him. it gave him hope when so little in life did. but i'd love to show him where it has hurt both of us. i don't think that patriarchy serves the male species any better than the female. only the alpha males who bark and bite really get to thrive in that environment, the rest of us just feel inadequate. i think my father has spent most of his christian life feeling really inadequate. the truly "spiritual man" that was held out had more of my set of giftings than his. that was the diabolical part of this. my mother and i were given the gifts he lacked and required to fulfill his ROLE in life.

it's such an ill fitting cloak and i have shed it. i'd really love for him to also. and if he can't just to understand why i have without labeling me as rebellious, as i have been anything but.

i am also going to tell him that the only thing i have ever truly wanted in life was for him to tell me he was proud of me. i had thought for years (decades?) that it would spoil everything if i had to ask for it, but hope challenged that idea and reminded me that anything worth having is worth asking for. otherwise it may go unfulfilled forever.

the most difficult part of all of this is doing all of it for myself and not for his reaction or response. i am truly walking into this with the hope that i am able to empower myself to break free of the restraints, real or imagined, that have kept me feeling captive to his approval and control. i long to be free.

i don't know what kind of access i'll have to the internet while away, but i will miss your words. if you think of me any prayers for our safety and this situation would be so appreciated. have a lovely couple of weeks!

erin's coming!!

2008-06-28T11:15:00.001-03:00

our friend erin will be here in 10 hours - i can't wait!!! wish you were all here to join us!

better stories

2008-06-26T09:39:00.007-03:00

pink and i had an important conversation yesterday. she's 12 and we've been navigating this "tween" thing for a bit now. she's starting to individualize and define herself apart from liam and i - we know this is an important stage, specifically for us as parents. how to guide her through this process so she knows we're here and there are boundaries, but not to do so with heavy hands and push her into rebellion.

music is one of the ways she is defining herself - not uncommon for pre-teens. i have the itunes account, so purchases are "through mom" at the moment. our agreement is that we sit down and listen to the song together, i read the lyrics, if i struggle with them, she reads them out loud and then we watch the video together. if the song passes that muster the purchase is made. it brings a lot of dialog and interaction. yesterday it created a bit of friction that we processed out together.

she falls into the bubble gum, disney kids type of music. i was thrilled that branched into hairspray recently, but most of the music is "oooh he likes me", "gosh i think he's cute" and "oh, my heart is broken" kind of drivel. it's so difficult for me to watch this young, vibrant lady begin to define herself as a "half" person because her culture is beginning to tell her that without a man in her life she is not whole.

we listened to taylor swift and ashley tisdale songs and so few of them were empowering to her as an individual. it breaks my heart. i started to ask some questions and try to help her untangle the message these songs were telling her. i got the "you only want me to listen to christian music" feedback and i balked. so.not.true. i tried to help her understand that the movies she watches, the books she reads and the music she listens to are forming her stories. it is normal for a lot of those stories to be about relationships, even relationships with boys. but if every story she buys into keeps telling her that she's only 1/2 a person without a man she will begin to believe it.

too much pressure for a twelve year old. too much pressure for my single 40 year old friends. i loathe that kind of misinformation. i used the three taylor swift videos as an example (wow, she is a beautiful little barbie doll that one...)

first an adorable song about a boy who is her friend but doesn't know she exists. the second about the boy who scatters roses in her room and writes her love notes and the third about the boy who has dumped her and she wants to burn his pictures and she fantasizes about trashing his apartment and licking all of his utensils and spitting into his mouthwash. all really well done, all fun, interesting songs w/ intelligent lyrics - but in 15 minutes we have the scope of this little girls life. three relationships that burn bright for a millisecond and flash out with broken hearts and boatloads of pain. that young, beautiful woman will be shattered by mid life with these kind of rotating door relationships.

i got to tell pink that even if you do get the boy who writes you love notes and scatters roses at your feet it lasts for a whole 10 minutes. liam and i had a wonderful courtship. but was it reality? 25 years later, if feels like about 10 minutes. i just long for her to balance out the dreamy romance with stories that form her into her whole self. stories that empower her. stories that open her up past the doors of the school and the dances and show her the vast world that is waiting for her.

that is why bands like superchick float my boat. it's not that they are "christian" - most of their songs have little to do with "jesus" specifically - but whole life, facing the hard places and moving through them. those are the kind of stories i long for her to hear.

stand in the rain

2008-06-20T17:33:00.004-03:00

i.heart.super.chick

these lyrics just slay me.

listening to the new cd on newreleasetuesday.com

go listen!

Stand in the Rain

She never slows down
She doesn’t know why but she knows that
When she’s all alone it feels like its all coming down

She won’t turn around
The shadows grow long and she fears
If she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering if she stands she’ll fall down

She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She’s running from, wants to give up and lie down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

it's about time

2008-06-19T13:00:00.001-03:00

via mcclatchy's

book meme

2008-06-12T10:56:00.004-03:00

penni at m2 tagged me for the book meme:

So here's Dr. Benton Quest's meme:
~
Step One – pull out a book on the book shelf.
Step Two – go to page 123.
Step Three – read and write out the 5th sentence.
Step Four – tag 5 more people.

5 people who haven't done this meme, i don't think it's possible, but i'll try (feel free to ignore if you're caught up in the end of school or beginning of summer crazies)

book - the last word (what i'm supposed to have finished for the end of school...) by nt wright:

pge 123 (do you know how many books don't even go to 123 pages! i had to grab 3 to get to one that did!) sentence 5:

"We cannot assume we are living an a Garden of Eden situation, a world without evil; so we cannot argue directly from "the way things are" to the "way things should be."

tagging: jennifer (ha, next meme assignment, got you back!:), hope, renee, chicken pax, sarah louise (dont' be offended if i didn't tag you, honest, i thought that i had probably already read the meme on your blog, and i was offended you didn't tag me - just kidding!) :)

hope in generosity

2008-06-07T12:35:00.003-03:00

in light of my rant yesterday about resentments this seems like a well-timed message from my higher power:

Hope in Generosity

I don't know anyone who doesn't wrestle sometimes with despair. News of the world is bleak. Global warming. Vanishing species. War. Terrorism. Poverty. It can be tempting to close the mind and harden the heart simply because the challenges that confront us seem overwhelming. What is hope in the face of so much bad news? In a time of turbulence and anxiety, generosity is one of the key spiritual practices that can keep us sane. Not only that, the practice of generosity may be one of the most powerful ways that we can bear witness to a hope that lies beyond despair.

Generosity begins with God. This means that we receive everything as gift---not just material possessions but everything that exists: this breath, this moment, and the moments we have until we die. Our capacity to think, feel, remember, and hope, our family and friends, the whole living breathing planet with its goldfinches and cougars, its foxes and salmon and birch trees---all of it is gift....

Margaret Bullitt-Jonas

via inward/outward

resentments - advice please??

2008-06-06T11:44:00.004-03:00

12 steppers, please help. i am really struggling with a resentment and have realized that this is an area that i'm weak in - first of all identifying it, then what to do with it? i have dealt with close loved ones before with my resentments, but rarely with friends, especially friends who have no recovery.

this one just won't leave me alone and it involves a woman in our small group who i love, but is difficult. she is open and giving, but it seems the giving has strings, and they are usually financial. i am a naturally generous person. i don't say this in pride, it's really something i don't have to work at - i hold things very lightly, especially money and i can give away just about anything without strings and actual joy because i love that it might bless someone else like i have been blessed.

i keep running into interactions when she chooses to be cheap or nickels and dimes me and it's really starting to grate on me. they live in a financial world we could only dream of. i would willingly give her anything i have and when in community i always give my best. we don't skimp on the food we bring and actually go out of our way to be extravagant. we know this is a world of abundance and want to bless those we commune with - i am just finding it so hard to not let this build up in a way that makes a wall. i want to model abundance and not scarcity, but her scarcity mindset is wearing me down.

help. please. i have prayed. i have given generously hoping to set an example, i have asked god to take away the resentment and find release until the next interaction. i am afraid because i am beginning to want to be petty. i want to gossip and slander her - i want to show myself to be honorable and her to be stingy.

i am really struggling to do this the right way - but i don't know how to verbalize this to her without doing damage to the relationship. wisdom is needed - i'm not afraid to talk with her - i just want more light than heat - and i don't know that it's my place to talk with her - 12 steppers - please weigh in on this, i so don't want it to destroy the community we have. thank you!

random medicated update

2008-06-03T14:08:00.003-03:00

well, it's official. i have an ear infection and a sinus infection, and a lovely bottle of antibiotics that will hopefully keep it all from settling in my lungs.

i guess the wheezing in my lungs is coming from the mold the plumber found in my walls after he tore open the back of my closet to get at my shower leak that had been emptying itself on the first floor entrance foyer... at least it didn't cost me the $414.70 - yikes! now we just have to get the landlord to approve the reno of tearing out our ONE shower stall and redrywalling it, find the guy who can actually do the work, and have time to do the work, and live with the spores until that is done... the hole is taped over with plastic, but the work was done right before we went away last week and now that i'm home sick i DON'T feel like doing all of the cleaning of our room that has to be done. ICK!

one nice surprise is that i have officially lost enough weight to use the NORMAL, REGULAR blood pressure cuff! i have never in my life had high blood pressure, but when my weight was up and they used a small cuff it gave a false read - so when i told the nurse today she needed the large cuff she grabbed my arm and said "oh no, your arm is small (SMALL!) enough for this one."!!!!! and she was right! that felt really nice.

our daughter pink leaves tomorrow for french immersion camp for 3 days. i really hope that she is healthy enough to go. she had quite a cough through the night last night, but woke up ready to go to school today. hope her cabin mates don't mind listening to it (actually hopefully it clears up and goes away).

some cool things from last week in random order... after i spoke the head of our quasi-denom here and his wife came up and gushed about my talk. she was tracking with me throughout the whole talk and was my barometer of how i was doing. he told me that he thought i was so eloquent, had an amazing speaking voice (i was so nervous and drugged that it's about an octave higher than normal and twice as fast on the recording) and said that i kept his attention for the whole time, and that he had a very short attention span! for this little brethren girl it helped a lot to know that the person there with the most "authority" (he'd balk at that term and is a very humble man) was so supportive of me.

next the president of our university approached me and told me of his own writing and how he longed to be able to tell his story of redemption, instead of just conversion - and asked ME to pray over him. ME. the president of the university. also a humble, beautiful man - but again, one with quite a bit of authority in our community. it was like god just said "here - just so you know there wasn't a problem" - what a gift. i'm still kind of in awe.

last week i had asked one of the women from our church to pray for my health so that i'd be able to be healthy enough to preach on sunday - and she did, and then kept praying. she used phrases like "help her to know her father loves it when she uses the gifts he gave her" and "know your father is jumping up and down cheering for you" - again, more affirmation to my little girl soul that i wasn't being naughty or rebellious - both things that came to mind a few times in preparation.

i don't know if any of this makes sense, i think i'm going to go and take a nap until the kids get home from school. thank you again for your prayers and support, it really is helping me to venture into this next place on my journey.

June 24th - Rock What You Got

2008-06-02T18:38:00.001-03:00

oh my - can't wait - thank max!