powerlessness

i realized as i read my daily reading from yesterday (about powerlessness) that it is truly where i am at. smack, dab in the middle of powerlessness, more than i have ever been in my life. i don't like it at all.

in the midst of all of this i have realized that my addictions have morphed (with all of the push ups they've been doing shape shifting gets pretty easy) and begun to look much more subtle than they used to. i think the issue that i dealt w/ below has a lot to do with my sexual addiction rearing it's head in a very different version of itself.

on feb. 13th at around 7:00 i realized that i had a wicked case of heartburn. i haven't had heartburn in years. i got a wake up call when i faced the fact that i was truly tempted to purge. if you know my story you'll know how despicable vomiting is to me - but it was my addiction changing itself. it also meant that i had overeaten and used food to comfort myself that day. i hadn't eating any of my trigger foods, but i cringed at the thought of telling my sponsor about it and was tempted to lie (or omit) and i realized that if i had something to hide, it meant i had something to hide. secrets mean shame for me, and shame always plunges me back into my addictions - so i have reset my abstinence date to feb. 14th. clean abstinence is far more important to me than a big fat number.

i have been abstinent for one week.

i also broke the chain of writing on the 12th (think they might be linked?) i was just too tired to put pen to paper and didn't want to have to look at my fear for buck and the powerlessness of the whole situation. dang.

so, just for today i am embracing my powerlessness. i head back to the hospital and liam assures me that i will see a boy who looks far more like my son than the one i left behind. i had horrible sleeps while here at home. ironically i slept so much more deeply at the hospital. sounds strange, but i realized that it was the assurance that the nurses would come and knock on my little lounge door and wake me if something went wrong. when i awoke at home the fear and anxiety was oppressive. powerlessness. it has nothing to do with geography, but being closer to him in proximity will be quite a relief. thanks for your prayers.