shadow pain

i can always tell when i react (or overreact as is usually the case) that it's rarely about the situation that i'm currently in - but it's about the unresolved junk from my past that is pushing my buttons. i call it the shadows. they lurk behind whatever it is in my present that makes everything look bigger, darker and loomier (i just made that word up) :D

identifying and taking away the shadow helps reduce everything to it's natural size and stops it from looming over me and pushing my buttons. hope just put this quote on her blog and i really liked it alot:

"Life work is always about learning to respond to the events in our present life with the emotional intensity appropriate to the event and not with the emotional intensity that was appropriate to tragic situations twenty or thirty years ago........Serenity or living in a state of recovery is all about letting yesterday be yesterday and today be today. Recovery is training ourselves by practicing daily disciplines to act in the present as the present and not from the emotional stance of a thousand past yesterdays"

Earnie Larsen

via Hope

where i've been...

If you want to identify me, ask me not where I live, or what I like to eat, or how I comb my hair, but ask me what I think I am living for, in detail, and ask me what I think is keeping me from living fully for the thing I want to live for. Between these two answers you can determine the identity of any person.

Thomas Merton

via inward/outward

maybe why i haven't been blogging much???

Hiddenness, a Place of Purification

One of the reasons that hiddenness is such an important aspect of the spiritual life is that it keeps us focused on God. In hiddenness we do not receive human acclamation, admiration, support, or encouragement. In hiddenness we have to go to God with our sorrows and joys and trust that God will give us what we most need.

In our society we are inclined to avoid hiddenness. We want to be seen and acknowledged. We want to be useful to others and influence the course of events. But as we become visible and popular, we quickly grow dependent on people and their responses and easily lose touch with God, the true source of our being. Hiddenness is the place of purification. In hiddenness we find our true selves.

Henri Nouwen

hope in generosity

in light of my rant yesterday about resentments this seems like a well-timed message from my higher power:

Hope in Generosity

I don't know anyone who doesn't wrestle sometimes with despair. News of the world is bleak. Global warming. Vanishing species. War. Terrorism. Poverty. It can be tempting to close the mind and harden the heart simply because the challenges that confront us seem overwhelming. What is hope in the face of so much bad news? In a time of turbulence and anxiety, generosity is one of the key spiritual practices that can keep us sane. Not only that, the practice of generosity may be one of the most powerful ways that we can bear witness to a hope that lies beyond despair.

Generosity begins with God. This means that we receive everything as gift---not just material possessions but everything that exists: this breath, this moment, and the moments we have until we die. Our capacity to think, feel, remember, and hope, our family and friends, the whole living breathing planet with its goldfinches and cougars, its foxes and salmon and birch trees---all of it is gift....

Margaret Bullitt-Jonas

via inward/outward

it is beautiful

my sponsoree told me about this quote today:

"i am not here to live up to your expectations, you are not here to live up to mine. you are you, and i am me and if we find each other it is beautiful."

god as i understand him

quote from anj:

So I’m convinced your deepest problem is not the cigarettes you smoke or the alcohol you drink in secret. It’s not the slander you speak and the gossip you cherish. It’s not the pornography you pleasure yourself with when no one’s looking. It’s not the baby you aborted; it’s not that you betrayed your brother, cheated on your bride, lied about the whole thing, and retaliated with murder [King Herod]. It’s not even that you slaughtered the Lamb and killed the Messiah. Your deepest problem is that somewhere deep down inside, you believe Jesus the Messiah rose from the dead just to kick your ass, when, in fact, He rose from the dead so you would believe all is forgiven. It is finished! Justice is accomplished. And the Father is pleading, “Come home, come home, come home!”

Miss Potter

i haven't watched a movie for myself in months. i decided yesterday, as a gentleness break to take some time to watch Miss Potter. it was so beautiful, inspiring, as a woman, an artist and a writer. i fell in love with it.

i had to stop it at the beginning and run and get my journal so that i could write down the quote she opens the movie with:

"There's something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You can never quite tell where they will take you."

i knew immediately that i would love this film. i did. it pulled me in as i watched this woman far before her time navigate so many of the areas of life i need assistance and inspiration in. it was beautiful.

a couple more quotes from the film:

"My mother and I have come to an understanding. We've agreed not to understand each other."

and this one, after purchasing a farm connected to her property was my favorite:

"Please sir, I am no longer in the habit of being lectured to and thankfully I no longer require your approval or anyone else's."

beatrix potter was an amazing woman. how i wish i had someone like her in my life now.

they end the movie hearkening back to it's opening quote, but include a bit more:

"There's something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You can never quite tell where they will take you. Mine took me here, where I belong."

it is a wonderful story and i highly recommend it.

To Be a Great Poem

This is what you shall do: Love the earth and sun and animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning god, have patience and indulgence toward the people, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul--and your very flesh shall be a great poem.

Source: Preface to Leaves of Grass, Walt Whitman

via

bread for the world

more thoughts on bread...

Hulling My Heart...Making Room for a Dream

Today in an early morning dream I was addressed by a voice. It asked, "What are you doing?" and I answered, "I am hulling my heart."

The voice asked, "Why?" and I answered, "I have need of a hulled heart."

I awoke, as I have so often this year, knowing that in my sleep I was at work on my life, convinced that if I dug in its soil long enough, deep enough, it would yield me a liberating truth. Is that truth in the metaphor 'hulled heart'?

I think only of pulling off the green leaves of strawberries that the fruit may be eaten. But hulling means more than that. We strip corn and peas of husks and pods to reach the inner fruit. What are the hard, protective casings around my heart that must be stripped away to reach the hidden grain? What must I give up to lie all bare and exposed like peas in a pod or corn on a cob? What are the wrappings that keep the essence of my life from becoming bread for the world?

Elizabeth O'Connor

via

counting to 12

Keeping Quiet

Now we will count to twelve
and we will all keep still.

For once on the face of the earth,
let's not speak in any language;
let's stop for one second,
and not move our arms so much.

It would be an exotic moment
without rush, without engines;
we would all be together
in a sudden strangeness.

Fisherman in the cold sea
would not harm whales
and the man gathering salt
would look at his hurt hands.

Those who prepare green wars,
wars with gas, wars with fire,
victories with no survivors,
would put on clean clothes
and walk about with their brothers
in the shade, doing nothing.

What I want should not be confused
with total inactivity.
Life is what it is about;
I want no truck with death.

If we were not so single-minded
about keeping our lives moving,
and for once could do nothing,
perhaps a huge silence
might interrupt this sadness
of never understanding ourselves
and of threatening ourselves with death.
Perhaps the earth can teach us
as when everything seems dead
and later proves to be alive.

Now I'll count up to twelve
and you keep quiet and I will go.

Pablo Neruda - Source: translated by Alistair Reid in Extravagaria

via - inward/outward

sleeping with bread

i'm only on page 20 and i could quote 10 paragraphs here. you have GOT TO get this book! it is linking together so many areas of my life and my journey and giving me the tool that will change everything. i know that sounds like a wild claim - but i truly believe it.

if i never teach my children anything else this will be the one thing i want them to grasp. on page 19 they quote st. ignatius' the spiritual exercises where he writes:

It is wisely said, "Experience is the best teacher." ... The primary and most obvious reason for this is that revelation is not over, God is constantly revealing himself to us in our experience... Of course, the Bible is divine revelation -- no one denies that. But so is life! It is precisely because God is present to life and available to human experience that we have a divinely inspired story to tell, and that the story once told is revelation."

(emphasis mine)

the part i want to highlight here is where it all connected for me - my story, my recovery, my personality and my strengths and weaknesses. sheila fabricant linn writes on pages 14 & 15 a bit of her story - she is telling about a meaningful father-type relationship she had with a professor that meant everything to her and evaporated one day. she tried quite a few times to reconnect with him and he wasn't receptive. by working the examen and telling her experience of this pain to others she realizes the following:

Because my mother was mentally ill and unable to connect with her children, I learned as a small child to feel ashamed of my needs and desires, especially needs for connectedness with other human beings. It was this voice of shame that told me I should give up on trying to heal my relationship with Alex. When I considered giving into this voice, I felt desolation. When I got in touch with the consolation I felt each time I told the story of Alex, it showed me how to find healing: by asking to be heard.

The pattern I have described in myself, of feeling ashamed of my needs and desires, is an aspect of co-dependency. I behave like a co-dependent whenever I orient myself around the reality of others rather than living in my own reality and honoring my needs. Many people working in the field of addictions are saying that co-dependency and the core emotion of shame underlie all other addictions.

I need the examen to help me in my recovery. I her book, Co-Dependence, Anne Wilson Schaef says that for a recovering co-dependent "even the smallest lie can plunge us back into our disease." In other words, distorting the truth of who I am in any way (to please others, to meet my expectations of who I should be or what I should feel) is like an alcoholic taking that first drink. I need the examen each day because it helps me get better at telling the truth about who I am and what I need."

insert hallelujah chorus here.

here is the definition of consolation and desolation they give from st. ignatius:

"He expected that God would speak through our deepest feelings and yearnings, what he called "consolation" and "desolation." For us, consolation is whatever helps us connect with ourselves, others, God and the universe. Desolation is whatever disconnects us. Ignatius recommended returning to our deepest moments of consolation and desolation." - pg. 19

it's all starting to make sense! yippee!

have to get to the food bank as i'm helping out there again today! hope you're all well!

Outright Mental Defective: Saving Our Souls

Outright Mental Defective: Saving Our Souls: "Friday, May 11, 2007"

"I came to A.A. to save my ass and
I found out that my soul was attached to it."
Anonymous

decisions and rules

oh my goodness - this quote has so many repercussions - it just popped up on my google page and i had to put it here to remember to write about it:

"The truth is that many people set rules to keep from making decisions."

Mike Krzyzewski

who the heck is mike krzyzewski you ask? deep spiritual thinker? nope, basketball coach of the Duke Blue Devils - whoda thunk it? this is so big i can't wait to drag it into the church and unpack it there... later though - my laundry room awaits!

we are getting a "new" to us washer and dryer today - my dryer has been squealing like a stuck pig since lent and today we are getting a matching pair - only 3 years old for $200 CDN! yippee! god is so good!

it is not an either/or world

found today at inward/outward

Reclaiming Ourselves

A great deal of energy goes into the process of fixing and editing ourselves. We may have even come to admire in ourselves what is admired, expect what is expected, and value what is valued by others. We have changed ourselves into someone that the people who matter to us can love. Sometimes we no longer know what is true for us, in which direction our own integrity lies.

Reclaiming ourselves usually means coming to recognize and accept that we have in us both sides of everything. We are capable of fear and courage, generosity and selfishness, vulnerability and strength. These things do not cancel each other out but offer us a full range of power and response to life. Life is as complex as we are. Sometimes our vulnerability is our strength, our fear develops our courage, and our woundedness is the road to our integrity. It is not an either/or world. In calling ourselves "heads" or "tails," we may never own and spend our human currency, the pure gold of which our coin is made.

Rachel Naomi Remen, Source: Unknown

feeding the center

those of you reading since the beginning of this year will know that my word for this year is "center". i'm hoping that it will help me to find more peace being in my skin and contentment, even joy at being a woman, specifically, this woman. needless to say other than silence and centering i really have NO idea how to achieve this. i have been praying for direction. i never expected to find it in my craft cupboard.

i have been organizing a lot of stuff lately, most recently my scrapbooking supplies and craft supplies. i came across some beautiful susan branch stickers i had purchased years ago, and it had this quote:

Nothing feeds the center of being
so much as creative work.
The curtain of mechanization
has come down between the mind and the hand.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

she is someone i would have loved to meet. everything i have ever read that she has spoken or written is so centered and beautiful. how surprised i was to see that by becoming more creative this year i will find my center. this puts such a big smile on my face. i can hardly believe it's true. it seems so indulgent. almost like permission. i know if my word for this year was "creative" it wouldn't have inspired me as deeply. i love that i'm going for 'centered' and getting creative too.

the other amazing part of this is the word "feeds" - being a compulsive overeater i constantly have my radar up for words that speak in reference to food, eating, fullness and satisfaction. i know that what i truly hunger for has little to do with food. i'm excited to see how feeding my center helps to keep me from feeding my stomach.

rich, rich thoughts today. hope you're finding them too. happy weekend!

those who matter don't mind

"Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind."

Dr. Seuss

this is who i long to be

The way I see it, a mystic takes a peek at God and then does her best to show the rest of us what she saw. She'll use image-language, not discourse. Giving an image is the giving of gold, the biggest things she's got... Hurling and wielding the best stuff she can imagine, ...she agrees to the quiet morning hour in front of God in exchange for a bit of revelation. She doesn't ditch tradition as much as take it for its word and peer inside its cavernous shell. There must still be something worth saying, worth pointing to.

Jessie Harriman van Eerden

i have no idea who jessie harriman (this was all i could find by googling the name) is or where this quote was lifted from. i am reading "God Laughs & Plays" by David James Duncan and he quotes it on page 4. i just LOVE this concept. it is truly who i long to be. giving gold, getting a glimpse and finding the things worth pointing to. (i did remove a line from the quote - but it was already where the ellipses existed as i wasn't sure what 'the way of wakefullness' signified and couldn't find anything online regarding it)

UPDATE: I was contacted by the author of the quote and she is published in Best American Spiritual Writing 2006:

Harriman, Jessie van Ferden. “This Soul Has Six Wings.” Best American Spiritual Writing 2006. Ed. Philip Zaleski. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 2006.

Thanks Jessie!

what we miss

hearing and meeting brian mclaren today was great. it was a small gathering and a wonderful opportunity to ask questions and pick his brain. i think it was nice for him to be around friends and people who weren't prepared to rip him a new one, and i think it surprised him a bit not to have to explain, justify, correct or defend himself for a short period in an otherwise busy day.

he quotes a friend, and didn't name the source, but i thought the quote was worth keeping here (if you know who said it originally please feel free to post in the comments and i'll gladly correct it)

What we focus on determines what we miss.

i really like that sentiment in returning to read bible stories that seem so well known or familiar things in our everyday lives.

i don't want to miss anything. i want to enlarge my focus and see what it is that i have been missing.

ps - jen and matt - it was so nice to be able to drop your names - brian sends his love!

tired hands and shaky legs

she of the pink shoes posted this:

So take a new grip with your tired hands,
stand firm on your shaky legs
and mark out a straight smooth path for your feet,
so that those who follow you, though weak and lame,
shall not fall and hurt themselves but become strong.

(Hebrews 12:12)

what a great recovery verse! thanks sarah louise!

blocking the light

"God and sin cannot live peaceably side by side. After considering things as they truly are, I felt a desire to live without self-will. God gives light to the soul, it no longer desires to live with that part of it that continues to block the light. The soul desires to offer itself entirely to God so that it can no longer live except in the manner willed by his tender love. In this manner, it will begin to produce works that are pure, full, and sincere. These are the works that are pleasing to God."

Catherine of Genoa (1447-1510)