Monday, April 02, 2012

day 35 - over giving

i have found what i think is the biggest piece of the puzzle that i have ever had.  i know that is a big claim, but something clicked, lights turned on, the penny dropped, release the doves, cry the tears, ah-ha's said - everything makes sense.  i have prayed for this clue, this understanding, this awakening for years now.  and i am brought to tears again with the massive realization of how important knowing and understanding this is for me.  so many relationships have tanked and i had NO idea what i had done, where i had gone wrong, what would warrant such ignorant or uncharicteristic behavior - and now i know.  i am an over-giver.  i don't have lots of means like the author here - but it's not about money - it just because extremely obvious to her when she finally did - go read it, i'll wait here.  it's just about 6 paragraphs...

Confessions of an Over-Giver by Elizabeth Gilbert

i started to shake as i read it - i have NEVER heard anyone pinpoint a character defect so succinctly that affects so many areas of my life.  i love to give, i need to give, i give willingly and without strings, it is my favorite thing in the whole wide world.  no boundaries, no limits, no wisdom (obviously) - and i had NO idea how it was degrading the ground under which i and others stood.

the constant sanding away at their dignity, overwhelmed by my excess, of words, time, food, sex, commitment, friendship, work, service, information - it just doesn't end.  i feel like i finally have the key to the door that has blocked so much of my life that i honestly cannot even believe it.  i have NO idea what to do with it, but i am scared and excited and hopeful and terrified.  but i can now begin to understand what i have done, where i can make amends, how i can prevent it from happening in the future, so many things can change.

i sent it to my therapist with a note that said "help me obi wan, you're my only hope" - joke - but it really feels like i need a guide in this - it is such new territory.  it is why i can't sponsor, it is why the needy that are so attracted to me end up demoralized instead of empowered - it is going to be a paradigm shift that will rock my world.  i can't imagine it.  the deadly part of this is that liam is also an over-giver too.

so was my pop.  i learned it from him.  and his generosity to use stole much dignity and struggle that we needed to grow up.  i am gobsmacked in the full, literal sense.

on a side note - i asked liam to read my last post on sunday and we took a walk and talked and really got honest and opened up about our fears and our hopes and our commitment to each other.  it was really beautiful.  hope this finds you well and entering into holy week in a beautiful way.  i am.

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