day 34 - many years from now...

drawing from an empty well tonight... okay day, nothing grand or great though...

church tomorrow.  hope i can find something to wear that is flattering.  i'm not feeling all together lately.  getting my period too.  blah.

i have three minor ailments happening right now that are all driving me crazy.  i know that so many people are dealing with so much more than this, but i am royally tired of not feeling 100%.  old.  just feeling so dang old.

i watched my father care for my dying mother.  he was so faithful.  so present to her.  he never, ever shirked anything.  i don't think he ever made her feel like a burden or put out by her illness.  liam is very faithful, and very committed to me.  but i am not getting the sense that he is up to the icky parts of life.  i have cared for my dying mother - until she took her last breath.  i know what i'm in for.  i am not so sure he does - and i am not so sure he's really understanding what this next 1/2 of life could really be about.

it gives me pause.  i come from an open family, we talk about our body stuff.  i know it bothers him.  i have never let it bother me that it bothers him before - but it has begun.  will you still need me, will you still feed me when i'm 64?  i have never questioned it before these past few weeks, but he just seems squirmy and off put by my lack of health and feebleness.  i am a bit shocked.  i never imagined that this could be hard for him.  i have to admit that i know how easy it is these days for men to trade in for a younger, healthier model.  i never imagined that would ever be something i would have to face, but he just seems so surprised and almost resentful that more would be required of him.  he gives 120% all of the time.  maybe it's burn out? maybe it's just my own fear? but i must admit that it is a real live fear. 

i don't think he really gets growing old and all that it means.  he visited his dad in the hospital before he died, but i still don't think he's fully understood how that could one day be one of us.  it's difficult to fathom how that plays out.  i have tried a couple of times to talk about it, but he reassures me quickly that it's not true or real - but i have known this man near 30 years now and i can read him.  and i think he's not allowing himself to be truthful about how unprepared this stage of life makes him feel...

anway - i guess that's all for now... i wasn't heading here originally - but i guess that's where my words took me.  maybe i'm just projecting my own disgust with my body not being it's normal working self on him... who knows.