drawing from an empty well tonight... okay day, nothing grand or great though...
church tomorrow. hope i can find something to wear that is flattering. i'm not feeling all together lately. getting my period too. blah.
i have three minor ailments happening right now that are all driving me crazy. i know that so many people are dealing with so much more than this, but i am royally tired of not feeling 100%. old. just feeling so dang old.
i watched my father care for my dying mother. he was so faithful. so present to her. he never, ever shirked anything. i don't think he ever made her feel like a burden or put out by her illness. liam is very faithful, and very committed to me. but i am not getting the sense that he is up to the icky parts of life. i have cared for my dying mother - until she took her last breath. i know what i'm in for. i am not so sure he does - and i am not so sure he's really understanding what this next 1/2 of life could really be about.
it gives me pause. i come from an open family, we talk about our body stuff. i know it bothers him. i have never let it bother me that it bothers him before - but it has begun. will you still need me, will you still feed me when i'm 64? i have never questioned it before these past few weeks, but he just seems squirmy and off put by my lack of health and feebleness. i am a bit shocked. i never imagined that this could be hard for him. i have to admit that i know how easy it is these days for men to trade in for a younger, healthier model. i never imagined that would ever be something i would have to face, but he just seems so surprised and almost resentful that more would be required of him. he gives 120% all of the time. maybe it's burn out? maybe it's just my own fear? but i must admit that it is a real live fear.
i don't think he really gets growing old and all that it means. he visited his dad in the hospital before he died, but i still don't think he's fully understood how that could one day be one of us. it's difficult to fathom how that plays out. i have tried a couple of times to talk about it, but he reassures me quickly that it's not true or real - but i have known this man near 30 years now and i can read him. and i think he's not allowing himself to be truthful about how unprepared this stage of life makes him feel...
anway - i guess that's all for now... i wasn't heading here originally - but i guess that's where my words took me. maybe i'm just projecting my own disgust with my body not being it's normal working self on him... who knows.