Tuesday, March 13, 2012

day 20 - a clue!

friend on fb posted an enneagram video this morning and it was perfectly timed to give me tons to think about all day. i am a type 4 and have found the enneagram to be incredibly helpful for self awareness and understanding. this video helped me identify a huge clue into why i am floundering.

i have to be primo vague here because i am dealing with well known personalities and if identified by the story i could leave a trail back to me, and i really don't want to deal with any of that right now... so i'll try to make as much sense as i can w/ very little detail...

influential couple moved into our community, had big dreams and big promises and cast a pretty big net for plans to help in our community. it wasn't exactly what i felt called to, but it was an outlet and i could see where there could be benefit to our community, and where my gifting could be helpful, so i joined in. after the group i was a part of exploded this was pretty much my only outlet and it became another community of sorts. i invested nearly 2 years of my life in helping to plan and assist until influential couple found that they didn't have nearly the influence in our area that they wanted. they were quite used to being the ones that everyone followed without question and when challenged or confronted they decided to pack up the caravan and move to a place where they had unquestioning support.

this too happened, like the last group, with about a weeks notice - surprise, it's over. no real clear explanation given, some blame spread around, none of it theirs and i was left very quite disillusioned and rather cynical. i am so weary of these kind of people. big promises, lots of power and influence and poof, when things get hard they either fold or force - these two folded, not that forced would have been any better, but i realized that it was never "ours" it was "theirs" and i was just staff... disposable.

it was never my dream and it was never a good fit, but it was something - and i had hoped for something for so long that anything was better than nothing... anyway - after watching the video i understood that 4's need a larger vision to participate in to draw them toward their healthier selves (type 1 - integration) and when my efforts are put into individual needy people it is actually very unhealthy for me (type 2 - disintegration) which becomes codependency and i get caught in my internal dialog loops.

so, i can now see how hurt i was when that folded - my first emotions were disgust and anger, so it never felt like a real loss until today. i am still glad that it imploded as it would have at some point and i would have had much more invested - but i need to be a part of something larger than me, something that will bring me up and out of myself. and i need to grieve that disappointment and disillusionment over this couple that i trusted abandoning me and this project so they could take their ball and play someplace else.

anyway - i thought it was pretty cool that i had hoped for a clue yesterday and got one early this morning.

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