Wednesday, March 14, 2012

day 21 - half way there

so, i've been at this for 3 weeks now and i am in a better place than when i started. hard to believe that lent is 1/2 way over. i'm really happy i have this outlet and realize how important really writing is to my sanity. i have journaled every night before bed for a couple of years now, but while it helps, it's not nearly as engaging as this for some strange reason. i don't know if it's the possibility of others reading it, or if i just engage my brain a bit more and challenge myself to tackle things that are a bit more life changing here on the blog, either way, i'm happy that it's having a positive effect.

we talked about resentments tonight at our meeting and i realized that while i have been in recovery, and have done about 7 step 4's, many dealing with my resentments it is not something that i have ever looked for in my emotional inventories when i am not actively doing a step 4 - and i don't know why. i re-read through my last step 4 in preparation for this one and i was amazed at both, how many things i no longer resent, and how many things i am still holding on to. so much more life could be had if i could let them go. so thankful that i am starting this process again, and that i have an amazing group of people to work through it with.

irony of all ironies... my newest recovery friend and i went out for lunch yesterday. we had met and talked once for a 12th step meeting with her after a phone call, and then she came to a meeting. when we met yesterday she started to tell her story and once she got talking she just couldn't stop. so much church-y lingo and pat phrases, lines well rehearsed and practiced and as she talks i can tell that her journey has brought her from the long haired, long dresses pentacostalism to the head covered, women silent plymouth brethren - i had no idea that there were any assemblies in this area, let alone people i could bump into in my community. but there i sat with this woman in front of me trying her hardest to sound deeply committed and faithful.

she said that the look i had on my face when i figured out her present was my past was dumbstruck disbelief. i honestly couldn't believe there was someone sitting in front of me speaking the very words that would have come out of my own mouth 15 years ago.

i pushed lightly at some inconsistencies in the things she was saying. i tried to be gentle. but i knew i couldn't be faithful to my own journey without challenging those places of damaging belief systems. i know where the weak spots are, i know what that kind of rigid theology does to a person. she has this shell, this candy coating around her real self, so filled with fear and shame. it was so hard to watch. like looking back at myself so many years ago.

my voicing grace and my belief that god doesn't think there's nothing good in her made her really uncomfortable. it was so important to her that we be on the same page, that we speak the same language. i reassured her that in my journey i have come to realize that it's actually important to me that the people i surround myself with are allowed to be their own people and have their own journeys and that i would not reject her because we are at different places on ours. i don't think she believed me, not because of any insincerity on my part, but because of her deep and abiding fear of rejection.

after the second hour though i found myself itching like an ill fitting sweater was being forced on me. i hate all of the coded language, the club speak. it's been so long since i have been around it, i realized that it is no longer my club and i want nothing to do with it.

how very far i have come. a whole world away, and i'm only half way there.

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