did today have a big, fat pour on the drama sticker stuck on the calendar or something? man what a day. i would not go back to being 16 for all of the money in the world. my poor kiddo. she is such a hybrid of the most intense parts of me and her father. it doesn't seem fair to give a kid such complex, intense emotions coupled with exorbitant fears - she had an amazing 4 day weekend - really stellar experiences and moments - and i should have been prepared for the crash... it always happened to me, it had been so long that i had forgotten.
but i could tell that her fears were ratcheting up, her emotions spiraling, her thoughts becoming more intense. it broke tonight lots of tears and moaning. they boy she likes is as shy as she is, so only the overconfident girls can get his attention. their shy's cancel each other out and they are just both left looking at their toes. she despises the girls who ooze with confidence - wanting more than anything to have that bravado that can flirt and direct. she does not know how mysterious timidity is, how overdone the flirty can become - all she sees is the immediate response - none of it directed at her.
she is so hard on herself, so driven to re-hash and re-think every single move she makes, it is heartbreaking. she feels such great shame for feeling anything at all. punishes herself regularly for any crack in the armor. belittles herself for any small risk taken by a surety that says it was the stupidest move she could have ever made and life as she knows it will end i a steaming pile of flop.
and i watch this, sometimes from afar, sometimes from up close, most of the time having to bite my tongue to keep from laughing at how very similar my responses and reactions can be. how liam has endured and loved me through these past 25 years? he is a man of steel. i prayed with her tonight, asking for serenity, hoping for peace, maybe a mute button to the escalating drama that is 16...