exhausted, so this might not make sense to anyone but me, but i think i got another huge clue.
as i was walking home from my meeting last night my mind was drifting and i realized that the panic of the day was going to be helpful in unraveling some of the emotion around the collapse of the groups. i realized today that one of the biggest areas of grief is the loss of my friendship with him.
for years we were really good friends. i talked with liam about this today. for years he was an a-sexual, nutty professor type of male - non-threatening and cerebral. he engaged my mind, validated me spiritually and we would have really amazing, stimulating conversations. he really was like a brother to me. i had weird crushy feelings sometimes, but it was never weird with him...
until the day i found out that he wasn't a-sexual. he was looking for intimacy outside of his marriage. with that lens on everything i saw our relationship in a totally different light, and my naivete was shattered and a lot of things made sense.
it was really the first non-sexual relationship (other than a few male friends in college) that i had and i really miss it. the before, not the after weird stuff and energy (well, i guess i sometimes miss that too if i'm completely honest) but the grief, the loss comes from missing that part. i always hoped that he and his wife would spend time working on their marriage, and they never did. trapped like hamsters in a cage rolling across america i still don't think that they are dealing with things either.
but it makes me sad. i long for non-sexual male relationships with someone who treats me like an equal. i have non-sexual relationships with older men - but the hierarchy is different. i so wanted to know that i was safe. that i wasn't dangerous - that it was really possible.
anyway - it helped to identify some of the deep grief - and realize that it has very little to do with him, must the great loss on my part.