Thursday, March 08, 2012

day 16 - the invitation

i'm all atwitter right now... like a junkie who's just been offered their favorite kind of drug... i just need to write this out and know that someone will read this.

i have found my stride again after the sickness - my body shed a lot of it's packing weight (amazing how a week of stomach ick will do that for a person...) and i feel like myself again. i mentioned to liam yesterday that i wanted to be really aware right now. this is always a fragile place for me and i get triggered with weird attention, or even harmless compliments from people. i led the meeting last night and it was so amazing to be surrounded by my friends and people who get this. it felt so safe.

woke up this morning so excited to be getting away, my thoughts are all over the place trying to figure out all that i have to do and what i need to bring, it's been so long since i have packed that i have lost the system...

and then, this morning i got a fb chat from a friend telling me about a job in our community. while i was chatting with her another chat opened from HIM, the man who has ignored me for the past 3 months and who i had gotten out of my system and for whatever reason, i wasn't questioning it, the radio silence was working... until this morning.

it just said "good morning"... i took me nearly 5 minutes to respond, trying to think of what to do, wanting to both shut it down and pour my heart out into the little white box... but i just wrote "hi"... and then nothing.... another 5 minutes and then he went off line. how can something so innocent totally knock me off the rails? i was doing so well, i was moving on with my life...

i called liam and told him about it and asked him to pray for me as it feels like a trigger somehow. like it's going to sabotage the progress i have made... but the lie is is that it feels like the energy i need to keep going... like the shot of adrenaline - it makes me feel so powerful - i know it was just two tiny little words, but it has re-engaged the story. i have tried multiple times this morning to just set it aside and keep on with all i have to do today, but it just keeps coming back...

now i honestly don't know what it feels like to do drugs, and i don't want to belittle anyone's journey (or magnify my own) by likening how i have been feeling for the past couple of hours. but the struggle to pick up again is fierce - but my body is alive, my pulse is racing, my mind is alight and i want more than anything to write/call/make contact to re-engage in the drama.

but once i realized that it was just that - the temptation to pick up again, things became more manageable. i had tools to deal with this. when it was personalities and drama i wanted to get sucked in - but when i reduced it to what it really is - an invitation back into my addiction, i regained perspective and am able to sit here and write - using the tools god gave me... now, on with the day...

3 comments:

Erin Wilson said...

It really is amazing how 'reframing' can do so much to help us gain control over a situation... or at least find it's handles, so to speak.

So glad you found your way to the center.

ps. I've been reading all along, but haven't made it over to comment. You've been in my thoughts and prayers, but I know that doesn't count for much if you think you're hanging out here all by yourself.

Bethany said...

I just want to affirm your willingness to name the grasping power for what it is without expressing shame or guilt over the unbidden feelings. I hope you can retain your still center despite this unbalancing shove.

I'm taking this lenten season to sit with some of the areas in my own life that need change in a way I can't force and I continue to be inspired by your process. Don't lose heart!

bobbie said...

thank you both, it meant SO much to read your comments here, i was beginning to wonder. getting away helped with the center. the sea always buoys me up again. much love!