Monday, March 05, 2012

day 13 - those who wander

mondays are always hardest for me to remember that i'm blogging again with the sunday off thing. when i fast or count my abstinence i don't take a break, so i can keep going every day, one right after another. the break is the thing that has always thrown me off.

physically i think i might be on the mend. wasn't so sure yesterday. was fine as long as i didn't eat. but was so weak and felt so hungry when i didn't. but when i ate... oh dear i felt horrible. wondered if i didn't pick up a case of food poisoning instead of just the flu. i have gi problems at the best of times - i think our well was too close to our sewer growing up and we never realized it. it was only in college when i was at a camp having the same problem that it was identified and my sickness finally made sense. my mother always just told me i had a nervous stomach. listeria seems to be something i am really sensitive to. lots of people in our community are raw milk people - and i didn't realize that they might have put it in the pot luck food - will have to make a bigger deal about finding out about that in the future.

today i was able to eat and up until about 30 minutes ago felt like 75% back to normal. so relieved as we have booked a couple of nights away for the family on the shore. has been far too long since we've gotten away.

i didn't make it through church yesterday, but did make it through worship, and found myself thinking about the last blog and realized that while i am still grieving the wish dream and the death of all wish dreams, i am still an optimist. i still have so much faith. i am still expecting god to make this lent mean something by the end. i thought of that story they tell about the twin boys, one an optimist, one a pessimist, it's their birthday and one gets a pony and one gets a pile of manure... the optimist keeps digging looking for his pony. at some point he realizes though that he just got a pile of sh*t. right? at some point he looks up and realizes that the joke is on him, he was a fool. i hate being foolish. more than anything i hate looking foolish.

i have told liam forever that if he ever screwed around on me it wouldn't be the screwing that hurt me, but that i looked foolish - that i couldn't trust myself. that i wasn't smart enough to see the signs, figure it out. thank god liam is faithful and trustworthy, but i am completely honest - it would be that i couldn't trust myself to know that would devastate me. that's kind of how it feels now. how could i have been so stupid? how did i ever trust THOSE people? how could i have been so naive to think that anything i envisioned would really come together? that's the part in all of this that really digs at me. i'm sure it's a self-fulfilling circle - my shame over this stops me from moving forward, which causes me shame, which stops me from moving forward... blah, blah, blah...

i have heard it all, get out of your own way... don't be afraid to fail... every pinterest poster that exists is in one of my files just waiting to encourage me...

it's not working. i just can't seem to forgive myself for whatever fatal flaws i have that have placed me here, right here in the middle of this mire. every book series i love has a book that bores the snot out of the reader, every one. taran wanderer, the silver chair, the two towers... i know that this is part of the process - that i'm supposed to spin and wander and figure out what is really important, but just like i loathe all of those books i loathe this place in my life. i'm tired of wandering, i'm tired of walking. i'm tired of not having the damn map.

i guess i'm just tired.

No comments: