in my room blow drying my hair and i hear the phone ring - it's the weird long distance chirp, we get very few calls anymore, and weirdly i still can tell when it's HIM, this time though it wasn't HIM, it was HER... i heard liam say hello and her name and i was in shock... they talked for about 10 minutes, and i kept drying my hair, not wanting to hear anything, gobsmacked at how six months can go by, emails never answered, and a full year of trying to mediate the mess between us and out of the clear blue sky she calls.
i hear by liam's response that she ends with "we love you guys" and i am instantly pissed. so angry at the gall. so angry at the denial, so angry at the fact that i have made 2 amends face to face with this woman and she never once apologized to me for anything - and played the wounded martyr to everyone.
oh how i wish i had blown her cover back then. maybe all of this wouldn't have happened. i really thought that giving her the dignity of silence was the most loving thing i could do. i vent at liam, blow off steam and listen as he tells me that they were out for brunch at a cafe that feeds everyone no matter what their status or ability to pay. it was always a dream of mine, and she had to call and tell us that they found this place.
the levels of denial are so profoundly monumental that i am staggered at her abilities.
their son was close friends with our two kids, and being that he is home schooled now and that i was his former youth worker finds that i am frequently online when he is studying through the day. he chats with me from time to time, and tonight i got a desperate email from him asking if we could talk soon. it feels like that pool outside the mines in Two Towers where that thing lurks in the pool and no matter how hard they try they just can't get away from it. the tentacles on this thing are fierce and they keep sucking me back in.
i keep trying to figure out how to put some closure on all of this for my own good and not theirs, but i just can't seem to sense my way out of this. my usual clarity evaporates when it comes to this family. i guess it's that way with all addictions, eh? any wisdom on this would be appreciated. i am tired of not having any control in these situations. i feel blown about by whim and need. i warned liam that there will be an "ASK" coming - she was priming the pump... all of the other friends aren't nearly as capable or committed as i once was...
i am tired of it all want off of this roller coaster ride.