Sunday, March 11, 2012

day 18 - frozen with snow

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

Langston Hughes

Add your thoughts at inward/outward

this is how it feels, missing church today just fortified my feeling left out. it was a great day with a clear head after a good nights sleep - and i needed to get my work done, but i am feeling the affects of my isolation - and realizing that there are very few who notice/care anymore... at least it feels that way here.

found out my therapist spoke today, so i was sad i missed it. looking forward to seeing him on tuesday. will be good to re-engage in that process again. i am a much healthier person when i am in therapy.

but i must admit, i am feeling frozen still. my dreams have died. i have become cynical. i have been fantasizing about the quakers or the buddhists that meet locally. i know that they both tend to be a bit more individualistic in practice, so it really won't have what i'm looking for - i just want to make a statement somehow - cut off my nose to spite my face i guess... i am holding fast to jesus, just grown so very weary with the rest of it all.

i'm sure any who would care to judge would say that it's the bottom of that slippery slope i began years ago, and maybe they are right. would that i could still be a head-covered, left behind preaching, hard-core calvinist - i just can't.

i just can't seem to tease out if it's all interconnected or if it is two (or more) separate strands that i have knotted together in the blah of winter.

so i will sit in my bleak, frozen winter, knowing that the thaw comes very soon. hopefully it will melt more than the snow.

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