3 months, 6 months, 12 months...

it feels like a year since i have really written anything of note here. actually probably more like 13 months. i couldn't post that last piece without some update so that those of you who might still have my rss feed in your readers would fear that i had my own descent into madness. nothing like that, although these past few months have been more difficult than i'd care to admit.

13 months ago i began journaling every night before bed - one page - and minus one night in the hospital w/ buck when he held onto life by a very thin thread last february i have not broken the chain. it scrapes off the crud and has been the best tool i have ever used in my recovery. i am usually quite incoherent lately when i am scrawling that page, exhaustion at the end of the day depletes any real journalistic beauty - but i sit on the edge of that bed and force myself to write - and it works. i guess it's taken away a lot of the need i had to vent here. or maybe it's gotten me to a deeper place where even an anonymous blog is too open to air my life? i'm not sure - only know that this place rarely feels like home anymore.

buying our home was a true high point this year, but dealing with trades and finances has been brutal. it has only been in the past few weeks that we have had any semblance of normal back. many of the weeks/months were marked by much fear and anxiety as neither liam or i are from financial backgrounds that had any stability or training. this is new ground for us and we are growing up and taking responsibility for ourselves in new ways, but but it can be terrifying at times and we have few crutches left in our lives to lean on.

living without finances, food or alcohol to ease the pain and fear is a very ragged place at times. our margins wear thin quickly and the edges cut and bruise easily. i had fallen into a strange codependence with a couple and was the buffer for their relationship. it got weirder and uglier and i was so enmeshed into their lives very little of my own was being lived. i guess i take my addictions where i can when limiting my regular options. the pain was just too real to bear alone... that is gone now too and the bleakness of the longest day of the year presses in on me.

looking so forward to the days getting longer, even though winter must be weathered in the midst of this personal storm.

but all is not lost. we four laugh and leisure well together. living far from extended family is difficult during the holidays though. community has crumbled as i stepped away from the codependency and while new friendships and interactions are arising to take their place in healthy, whole ways the vacuum is still quite real and present and sitting with it today brings tears and grief.

i have been pouring myself into art and creating these past couple months. it has soothed my soul on the days where nothing else could or would. i am awakening an artist within and finding beauty and long lost confidence amidst the lies and tapes of old. i am ready for the holiday preparations to be over so that i can return to my paints, markers and pencils. i created two gifts for my children and i am so happy with them. they are framed and finished and beautiful. i also made a gift for myself with mixed media - an old forgotten 1/2 painted dollar store canvas, a favorite christmas card saved, rhinestones, vintage letter stickers and acrylics turned into a dark, moody holiday painting that i am truly proud of. it was a gift to myself for st. lucia day.

i never imagined that my word for 2009 would end up being about lack instead of abundance, but thriving even amidst the famine is truly where thriving becomes thriving. i have embraced that word this year in thought and deed, and although friends are few and far between i am finding that thriving in solitude is more possible than i had ever imagined.

miles and miles have passed

i can't even remember the last time i have sat down to really blog. life has become so full, in a good way, but it has kept me from this thing that i love called blogging. i was emailing with erin (biscotti brain) and told her that in the last 24 hours i feel like i've given birth to myself.

on friday i found out that the university i attend was looking for a kind of dean of students/chaplain position and both liam and a good friend encouraged me to apply. i know they have some internal people applying for the job, and they will most likely have a much better chance, but i knew that my gifts were a good fit for this position and that the process would be helpful for me. i realized also that i have not done a resume for myself in 20 years! 20 years! i have not been paid to work (except casually for projects) in since i had kids and our daughter just turned 13. previous to that i worked for the same employer for 6 years. needless to say it was an effort to turn all of the volunteer work i have done into a career.

some good friends held space for me and challenged me and gave me the much needed push to put this together and yesterday i faxed it off to the president of the school and felt a mental exhaustion very similar to the physical exhaustion i had after giving birth to my kids. i know that this was part of the "thrive" process and i think that april 20th, 2009 was a birthing day for me.

yesterday we put in an offer on the home of our dreams (needs lots of work, so there might be a few nightmares before the actual dreaminess happens), applied for a mortgage and i applied for TWO jobs! after i sent off the resume i was blog reading and one of the gadget blogs i read is looking for an editor. i could do that job for free (don't tell them) because i would enjoy it so much, and even sending off the email was fun. don't know if any or all of these doors will open, but being willing to risk was so important.

the house we had been waiting for (it was a bankruptcy of a failed flip by one of our good friends) finally went on the market last week, but i couldn't move forward on it because i truly believed in my heart that i did not deserve to live in such a grand home. one of my best friends here was furious with me for thinking that way. when we went to move forward we found out that there was an accepted offer already on the house. i was crestfallen. i tought it was another couple from our church who i knew was looking too. i was at least happy that we were going to "keep it in the family". our broker though encouraged us to still bring our carpenter on site and put a bid together in case it fell through.

while standing across the street with my broker and carpenter a van drove up and a woman got out. turned out she was the lady who had the offer in - and she is a known quantity in the community. i was upset that it was not my friends who"won". i had met her casually years previous at her garage sale where she proceeded to tell me (a complete stranger) about her husband's nervous breakdown. i know if i skeedaddled she would give way more information to "my guys" there after i left.

i spoke with my broker later and he said that she (unasked) gave the information that she was having trouble with funding - so he said GET DOWN HERE MONDAY A.M. and we'll put the offer in... we did and while there may be others that offer that we know nothing about we have most likely the least unemcumbered offer of the bunch. we probably won't hear until later in the week as banks are very slow moving (as we know from waiting about 8 months for them to get the house on the market).

i realized after my friend was so furious with me that i had stopped reaching. stopped hoping. i had thought that contentment meant "making do" - and while there is something healthy in that, there can be a lot of broken too. i was content, and i was not "hope-less", but i was not hoping any more. i was not reaching. i was living in fear of disappointment. i told erin that in the 12 hours following i realized that i truly was strong enough to hope again. i was strong enough to have what i dreamed of, and strong enough to bear the disappointment of not getting what i was reaching for - but that it was the reaching that was the important part. so i have begun dreaming again.

so yesterday i felt like i grew up, stretched out my arms and said HERE I AM. as i finished my journal writing last night i wrote with a smile "I'm thriving! I'm thriving!" we'll possibly see how thriving and disappointment can go hand in hand next week... sigh. no risk, no chance, no hope. i want to live with hope, and i am strong enough to be disappointed.

365

i celebrate an anniversary today. 365 days - one year - 3 meals a day, 0 snacks, 1 day at a time. writing every night in my journal - for 365 days i have done it. this past year has been the most rich and rewarding time i have ever experienced in my 43 years on this planet.

something deep inside me has shifted. it is truly beautiful.

back in october i celebrated 9 years without chocolate, sexual addiction and evening readings. this past year has been more powerful than the previous 8 combined - but together they have changed everything.

the promises are coming/have come true in so many ways.

i have found myself, and i really, truly like who i am today.

10 sizes, lots of weight - i am as compulsive about weighing myself and being tempted to diet as i am compulsive about over eating, so that is a part of life i abstain from too, i have no idea how much weight i have lost, but usually 10 lbs. is a size for me, so it could be as much as 100 lbs. i have no idea. the temptation to weigh has been there far too often, but i know deep in my heart that the number will drill it's way into my little brain and torture me. i track my weight by the way my clothes fit. it's working for me, so i think i'll keep doing it.

for once in my life i truly feel comfortable in my own skin. i am happier with my body and myself today than i was in high school or college. i literally can't remember the last time i had a 34" waist. 7th grade? i really don't know. and the best thing about it is that the weight is a side effect of what is happening deep inside of me. it is not the goal, it is just a happy coincidence. my physical, spiritual and emotional life truly gives me such joy.

it's not perfect by any stretch, and i have not arrived, but i am thrilled with today and will awaken tomorrow to keep taking it one day at a time. thanks for journeying with me, i know that my blogging has been affected by my journaling. but i have gotten in touch with my voice in a very different way.

yay me. i am so proud of myself. i shared this with my group tonight and it says so beautifully a lot of what this year has encompassed for me. i was so surprised to find it in the psalms. it has recovery written all over it:

Psalm 18:20-24
GOD made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
he gave me a fresh start.
Now I'm alert to GOD's ways;
I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
GOD rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

maybe why i haven't been blogging much???

Hiddenness, a Place of Purification

One of the reasons that hiddenness is such an important aspect of the spiritual life is that it keeps us focused on God. In hiddenness we do not receive human acclamation, admiration, support, or encouragement. In hiddenness we have to go to God with our sorrows and joys and trust that God will give us what we most need.

In our society we are inclined to avoid hiddenness. We want to be seen and acknowledged. We want to be useful to others and influence the course of events. But as we become visible and popular, we quickly grow dependent on people and their responses and easily lose touch with God, the true source of our being. Hiddenness is the place of purification. In hiddenness we find our true selves.

Henri Nouwen

lenten update

how i have missed my morning blogging. it seems i can't rub two real words together after noon. i have enjoyed all of the reading and other things i'm doing during that time, but my best thoughts of the day seem to coalesce first thing in the morning. this is just more of an "oh, yea, i just remembered" kind of post.

i am now officially as of last night a sponsor. i don't have a sponsor, but i was asked last night by a new friend to be her sponsor. i know the timing is right, but i am a bit overwhelmed by the idea. i read a brilliant line at 'the last chance texaco' that said something about not caring about someone else's recovery more than they do - that will help me a lot if i can keep that in the forefront of my mind.

if anyone reading has had a great sponsor or is a great sponsor and has tips, references or any reading you recommend could you please comment or email me? i would be encouraged by that greatly. i realize it is kind of like the situation i'm in with mothering. i don't/haven't had a great role model in mothering, but common sense, reading and input from mothers i respect has helped me to do a pretty good job as a mom. i have never had a "real" sponsor and still don't have anyone i could even ask right now - so modeling myself after anyone isn't possible. she's not the codependent type and we get along well already - so it won't be draining to interact with her regularly.

i just don't really know where to start...

we have a retreat coming up that 4 of us might all go to - but we're not sure if we've left it too long before deciding. hopefully that will give us all a recovery boost, help us to get to know each other better and i might even find someone who would be a possible sponsor for me. i'm tired of being a lone ranger.

my lenten commitments are going well although there are so many mornings that plopping myself down in front of this computer seem so very attractive. i am finding though that the less time i spend on the computer the less it holds sway over me.

buck has been sick and that always messes with his blood sugars, so it's not a lot of fun for him. he's such a social kid that being alone in his room seems like punishment instead of fun. we've played more games of 'crazy 8's' than i can count.

pink & buck's birthdays are coming up and we told them the other day that if there is a party it will be shared because of their friends play together anyway. the idea of planning a party doesn't hold a lot of joy for me, so i thought that maybe i could buy my way out of it. i told them last night that if they chose to forgo a big party that i would give them each $50.00 - buck looks at me and says (totally deadpan) "make it $100 and you've got a deal." even sick he's got a great sense of humor. i laughed and then he said "i'm not joking."

they both have to decide together and they can each have a friend overnight in lieu of a party, so i'm hoping that they'll take the bait. between youth group and sunday school i do a lot of planning and entertaining their friends already.

one of the things i've posted on my other blog is about "don't break the chain" - it's the discipline of choosing a commitment, marking it with a red x on your calendar and for every day you continue you keep the chain going. i have been writing every day - it doesn't have to be anything deep, moving or intelligent, most of the time it's a page in my journal before bed - but i am writing every day and so far have had 93 days. it's a fun way to create a discipline and keep it.

oh, some of you have asked what my response to my friend from bible college was. i spent a lot of time thinking/praying about it and realized that i would assume the best and if he was trying to bait me shame on him. i responded to his message on facebook by saying 'thank you so much for the questions - i love questions and they always make me think. i am really thinking so much about your questions and would love to give them real answers - so they might not come as quickly because my computer time is limited by lent, but i will answer, but i think i'll answer on my blog (the other one)' - he was grateful and i think it will be good for me to verbalize a lot of this in my own name. i have had a lot of interaction lately with people from my "old life" and so many of them are curious about my politics and faith journey now. my facebook profile is pretty shocking to those who thought that i thought just like them. especially when they come from the mindset that what they believe is right and true and everything else is scary lies you must be afraid of. i think that reminding them i am still the same person with a lot less to hide now and a much better spiritual life than i ever had when i was pretending might help blow a bit more air in the balloons of their faith and journey. and it will be good for me to articulate it for myself.

well, i've run out of things that i can remember i wanted to tell you about. hope this finds you well and enjoying your upcoming weekends! much love!

i am so loving this

sarah louise asked if i took a picture in front of the house for my first day of school. i was actually thinking about it - but knew that i couldn't post it here anyway, so i didn't (and i was a bit distracted getting the kids to where they needed to be so that we could walk to class). we live 1/2 way between our church and the university so we can walk to everything. it's so cool. some of our classes are at the church because our group is bigger than it's been before so the rooms there are better for most of them.

one of the best things about this program is that they specifically build spiritual formation into the schedule. one of our four classes is ignatian prayer. we had our first time with that today and it was incredible. our spiritual director is such a gentle, lovely woman. i just adore her.

i am also just so tickled that 1/2 the class is women like me and that this community isn't at all threatened by our voices. there is no jockeying for a place at the table, no preference given to the males in the room and such an openness to hearing our story, even our difficult ones. i can tell some of the men in the group aren't this used to women fully participating. it's wonderful that the profs love this too and that god can use their uncomfortableness to crack their hearts open.

gotta go liam made dinner - god bless him. i have no energy to hardly even type. the mental exhaustion is overwhelming. i'm journalling tons, so i'll have lots to share later.

love and miss you all!

i am officially writing

i have officially begun writing the story that has been floating in my head for the past 3-4 years. i've only told two people about it and i need to pour any steam i can generate into the writing instead of the talking about it - but it feels good to have finally begun to put pen to paper (and actually it is pen to paper as it has always been moleskine and pen, not computer and typing so far). when inspiration strikes i just have to put the thoughts down on paper.

i'm really loving it. so if you pray please do so for me to keep embracing the creativity when it comes.

5 minute update power post

• mother's day was grand - the best ever as my kids truly within themselves and motivated by love each shopped for a gift for me, with their own money (not that gifts matter, but this was just so generous and sweet) and made cards, and prayed for me before our lovely crepe breakfast my honey made for us.
• we stood for peace at the international bridge yesterday for five minutes of silence to remember the true meaning of mother's day. it was beautiful.
• we then took a walk over to the states and liam took me out for lunch as the kids had musical practice all afternoon and we had a lovely meal in a newer, really good restaurant (in short supply here) - so we will have a place here to take visitors and hang out at with friends. great atmosphere and good pub food. they even gave me a beautiful pink rose when the meal was over.
• i have had so much fun volunteering at our local food bank. i am cleaning out and organizing their basement - it uses a lot of my experience and skills and i think it is really encouraging my new friend who runs the place. i'm also getting to meet some really wonderful co-volunteers and breathing some life and energy into areas that needed it. i was also able to share some of the generous gift money my former boss had given me and got some much needed cordless phones and a headset (as the phone never stops ringing there) for her.
• the documentary that i have blogged about here sometime ago is completed and from what i hear quite moving. i am so excited to hear if they are being accepted into any of the film festivals around north america - hoping they make it into the toronto film festival as i think i could swing a trip there and stay with friends and actually see myself (on the big screen - yikes) . it is very strange to know that "my story" is being seen by 100's of people that i don't know and may never know - and to not have a clue what it looks like is really freaky... it was filmed in HD - so i'm sure being larger than life is really not as fun as i once imagined! :)
  
• the weight i lost most likely had to do with the sickness and not me "working my program" like i had thought as i have gained it back and haven't changed anything... sigh. this has taken it's toll on me emotionally and given a swift kick to my self confidence. i don't think it would have bothered me to go into the summer as i was, but now to have had a weight loss and then gain back i am regularly disappointed when i see my reflection instead of just the acceptance i had come to before the loss... trying to find the way through this and understand what it was that brought it all back, but i'm not sure where to begin...
  
• i have way too much to do, life has filled up - not to a crazy point, but enough that i am not getting as much down time as i normally have. that is probably a good thing.
• liam is almost done with the drywall in my NEW OFFICE - i am very excited to get painting in there soon!
  
• on that note i best go and get things done for the day. hope this finds you all well!
  

your voice is powerful and strong

"...your voice is powerful and strong..."

those were the words i received in an email last night from the director of the documentary project i participated in before we moved here. it is almost finished and my story has made the cut. i am exhilarated. i couldn't be happier at the idea that somehow my 'small' story might reach and help others in a far wider spectrum than i ever imagined. it's amazing to me to realize that it's going to be coming 'out of my mouth' and not my fingers. does that make sense?

film is a far different medium than blogs - the legs on this are so strong and far reaching. i truly am amazed that this has all happened.

my story will be along side of those who endured 9-11, hurricanes and global tragedies. it hardly seems possible. i honestly figured that the director, kind and sincere as she is, was just humoring me, using my story as filler just in case the other "real stories" didn't pan out. to find out last night that mine did has filled me with extraordinary emotions i am quite unfamiliar with.

i will be blogging on this in the future from my 'named blog' as i now cannot escape that my story, my face, and my name are going to become 'public knowledge'. it might be too easy to link "me" with "me" otherwise. it won't be the end of the world if that happens, it just might be easier if it doesn't. i just wanted you to know as you were all so supportive before, during and after the filming process.

your voice is powerful and strong... ironic isn't it?

redemption is a beautiful thing.

alone at last!

today is the first day i have been alone and quiet enough to sit in silence, light a candle and journal my thoughts. it is a good thing.

i hit my threshold yesterday. you know that imaginary mark you place on a calendar or in your mind that says "i can make it until HERE", "if i can just hold out until IT'S over", "only THREE MORE DAYS until they're gone"? i had been holding out 'the first day of school' as that threshold, and none of it was spent alone, in quiet or taking deep breaths. by supper time i was pretty stressed out.

i awoke this morning around 6:00 and laid in bed thinking through some inconsistencies i had been unable to put my finger on. the clarity was beautiful. so much so that i didn't want to loose the thoughts and headed for the computer. i realized on my way though that if i opened up the internet i would get lost (as would my clarity) in the looking glass this computer is for me far too many times.

so i did what i haven't done in months. i picked up a pen, grabbed my fresh, new journal and wrote three pages of thoughts on the ah-ha's i had this morning. oh how i have missed that medium. the horror of missing things (or getting old and not remembering that you are missing things?) is that the imprint it leaves on our lives disappears so very quickly that we forget how important it is.

writing by hand engages different parts of my brain that writing on the computer. it's actually why i still use lower case letters. because i spent so many years typing for the institutions in my life that i become a different person when i must punctuate and capitalize. it engages a part of my brain that is thwarted far too often by my frustrated perfectionist. so lower case slides right by him somehow. (and yes, he is a man, i don't know why - but he is...)

anyway, back to the real purpose of this post. after everyone left i grabbed my guide (the cup of life, joyce rupp, that is taking me FAR TOO LONG to move through) and my own 'cup of life', and the sparker to light my candles on my altar. downsizing here at the flat meant that the table altar we had at our last home didn't fit here and it gave me a lot of frustration trying to find a space where it could nest.

another frustration here at the flat is a monolith of a brick fireplace - when the roof was replaced on the house they didn't fix the chimneys and the three fireplaces are now just monoliths instead of useful, warm additions to our space (the lower apartment has 2, we only have 1). it was uncared for by previous tenants and needed some love. we used stove paint to clean up the interior bricks and then it just looked like a black hole in the room. ideally we would have candelabras and lovely pillar candles to fill it with - they just didn't fit into the budget. so in a brush of impulsiveness i decided to marry the two decorating dilemmas i was having and put the altar in the fireplace. i blogged about my deep desire for a sacred space within my home way back in october 2004.

ta-da.

it's not really what i would have chosen in my 'perfect decorating world' but it works for now. i really want to paint a wrapped canvas with a fire element art piece, but that will have to wait for those cold winter nights. until then this is where i light my candles and pray for you.

as i sat there on my knees i thought how busy it looked and thought that simplifying it might help. then realized how each piece on the altar was significant to me and i thought i'd give you a tour.

this is my inukshuk. i know they are 'supposed' to have legs. i tried and tried to balance the rocks we found (each member of the family or tribe gathers the rocks for the inukshucks and all are important and used). he kept falling over. over and over. to the point where i was going to start over, scatter the rocks and we'd all find new ones on another trip to the shore. then i realized that he wasn't a he, he was a she. she is me. i am here. life is found here. community is found here. sustenance is found here.

this birdcage is a gift from my family. it was one of my most favorite christmas presents. you see i needed a bird for my empty birdcage i posted about here.

and this is getting far to long of a tour and a blog post, so i will leave you with this, pink drew it for me years ago and it's of her and i celebrating together:

i need words

i am finding it far too easy to be distracted from writing lately. kids home, reading all of your words, tv on, music on, good books, housework, sunshine, etc. unfortunately most of those are really good things - but i think it's more than that. i think i'm chickening out.

i need to do some deep soul work and i've gotten lazy. distractions are so much easier. liam took the kids to the festival tonight. chocolate dipping lessons - i knew that would be too much for me, so here i am in the silence - no distractions - but just fingers away... talking on the phone, listening to a podcast, reading other's blogs, even cleaning looks more attractive than admitting that i'm afraid right now.

afraid of what? i'm so out of touch with my own thoughts i don't really know. i've gotten so good at helping liam process out his own thoughts they have become a smoke screen. for years he rode the coat-tails of my recovery and soul-work... now i'm riding his.

the counsellor friend who moved to town isn't taking clients - so i emailed the counsellor who is on staff at the church and the university. he is such a kind, soft-spoken man. i have gotten to know him a bit better since i judged him too soft to help me. i determined early that he would be put off by my personality. i have since found out more about his sense of humor, his passion for justice, his heart for the down-trodden and the underdog. i just emailed him asking to begin living 'the examined life' again.

it's my heart's cry. my deep need. hopefully it will begin soon. it's just far too easy to get distracted. it's more fun to get distracted. live like i have no problems, no worries, no fears. i guess i have found some words, but now that i have i want to run to those distractions - uncovering the fear makes me want to flee. being present to the emotions without distraction isn't something i feel up to right now.

well, i guess burying myself in a good book isn't such a bad thing, right?

and what a time it was

a time it was
and what a time it was
a time of innocence
a time of confidences
long ago i had a photograph
preserve your memories
they're all that's left you

simon & garfunkle

i listened to this album ad infinitum as a teenager and these words always took me to a space of safety, a place of imagination, a place of beauty. these were the words that came to mind this morning as i pondered yesterday and all that happened.

yesterday will be a day marked in my memory of all that song pictures. it seems like a dream, like something other-worldly. so very different from my every day life. it was a gift, wrapped in a beautiful, big bow and handed to me in such a clear way that said, 'okay, it's time to own your story, right here, right now, this is for you.'

it was beautiful and redemptive and full of life and being present, emotion and hope. it was closure in it's perfect, redemptive sense. it was as if god had said 'i know you've been watching for redemption, i know you have longed to tell your story. i know you have been thwarted many times, today is the day of redemption.'

it started with a trip to my hairdresser. she is one of my favorite people in the world, she makes me seem like an total introvert, she is bubbly, effervescence and she hears me and pampers me. because of our trip to canada i had to cancel my regular 4 week appointment - it had been 2 months and my hair was out of shape and the change was dramatic. i felt confident and beautiful. i had on a new pair of jeans and a new top that god had left at goodwill just for me - they fit perfectly and followed 'the rules' and were very flattering. i was tempted to do the dress and heels thing, but i remembered that today was about me - just me - the inner part of me, and if i wasn't comfortable and confident it wouldn't be me on the screen, but some version of me i create to please someone else.

i went to the cafe where we planned to meet, they weren't there yet, and one of our students was working there. so we chatted and she went on about how pretty my hair looked, and i got a chance to tell her i was meeting my german film-makers who were coming from h-wood to meet with me (that was kind of fun). i got my double shot and turned around to find them there.

they were so euro i knew it had to be them, comfortably chic and obviously not from around our little 'county'. we sat at a table outside the cafe and talked about the locations they had scouted. they hadn't found anything they thought sounded like 'me' and asked if there was another place that was special to me. i told them of one of the old churches in the town that i had stumbled upon and asked to use their sanctuary for a day alone with god. it was a place of safety and healing. i knew if it worked out i would feel very comfortable there.

they asked to see it - and i prayed silently that they would allow us (total strangers) to use their facility to film me for the voice overs. they did and i still can't believe that feeling my heart had when she said 'action'. it made me smile deep inside as i walked up to the church doors knowing they were filming my 'backside' and being okay with that.

from there we went to the park to do the interview. a shady park bench along the river where i was given free rein to tell my story. this was being filmed by a wonderful german man in high definition, and it was amazing how they evaporated into the background and i felt as if i was truly talking with a friend. i felt so safe, so right, so free to tell my story.

i spoke of redemption and god not wasting anything if we allow it to be used. i spoke of the deep desire i had in joining the project to push myself out of my small controlled box and allow something i had written or created to be used, or abused by others. how i was prepared to let what i had contributed fly out into the world, but i was not prepared to have the control taken from me even before i participated. how that blind-sided me to have a person who knows nothing of me, other than my name and address so able to injure me with graphic images and hurtful words. how it raked up all of the mess i had just come through in recovering the memories of the rape and dealing with a life-time of self-loathing and ugly body images.

the film-maker asked me questions from off camera, knowing she would edit her voice out of the film and use my answers to build my story. it was such a joy to watch her creative process. to be so close to this artist as she built her vision around me. to glimpse the bigger picture that i was becoming a part of. it was why i originally wanted to participate in the journals project. to be a part of something grander and larger, and global - far removed from my dinky little town, and my dinky little life.

during a break she told me that she was the one who would be doing all of the editing and she had complete creative control. she respected my story and would not make this a painful process. she envisioned the extras features on the dvd being used to more fully flesh out our stories. the portion she puts into the film might be small, but the other parts might be used to tell 'my story' as a featurette at the end.

it was then i realized that this was larger than me. that god was going to use some small part of this to encourage others not to feel alone, not to feel like the only ones who are voiceless and wounded.

we ended with the images that were so hurtful. she had printed them off of the internet. i hadn't remembered how horrible they were. one of the pages he did was of his face - and it looked like one from a nightmare - close-up, blue and glowing - like he had photocopied himself. she asked me to speak of them. to talk of the emotions they stirred within me. it was the only time i cried (she teared up quite a few times while i was telling my story). then she asked me what i would have done if i had gotten the journal (it was either destroyed by the women who had it before me in the queue or 'lost in the mail' - i suspect the images injured her too and she destroyed the journal).

i told her of the power a book binding has to me - how holding that in my hand somehow makes it real. that is why i withdrew from the project, i didn't want to hold them in my hand. i said that i would have removed, shredded and burned them. she gave me permission to rip those pages up, and i threw them to the wind.

afterward i joked about how anti-litter i was and so we collected them and made a little pile and burned them right there in the park. sitting in the smoke of those pages it was clear, as i smelled the burnt paper - this is over. it no longer has any power over you.

the best part was right after i shredded the images 3 different types of butterflies flew by. i have used this metaphor since before this whole process started 5 years ago. i had read 'when the heart waits' by sue monk kidd and i was fed deeply by her image of the metamorphosis of the process of rebirth. seeing those butterflies honored that part of my story so beautifully, it was like ruach elohim had blown those winged friends my way to remind me that something here was being born anew.

it was four hours, intense hours, glorious hours that truly changed my life. i will remember them forever.

unsettled

we had an amazing week coming home and getting school started. being together as a family in our home and focusing on 'us'. i cooked the whole week and things flowed so naturally. it was really beautiful.

i should have seen it coming. after a great time away in canada and a good week at home i should have known that the down after the up was on it's way. i forgot. you see the up side was just so normal and natural, beautiful and balanced. no mountain-top time to come crashing down from. but i think the sustained positive time needed balanced some how with this funk i've found myself in.

because i was so blindsided by it i found myself eating my stress and avoiding my emotions. so today, i'm attempting to feel them and breathe, but the past couple of days have been filled with a lot of short fuses and angry outbursts. i can't remember the last time i was so crabby and unsettled. it has really been quite a long time when i start to look back. i guess this is a good thing, but i really HATE all of these emotions that are churning up inside of me.

another ingredient to this malaise stew may very well be the fact that the film-maker is flying in from h-wood tomorrow to interview me for the 1000 journals documentary. this is putting closure on a painful experience, but i think dragging it back up again is really making me deal with all of it like i might not have previously.

i blogged about it last year here and here.

i haven't even read those posts. i know i need to go back and do that now... brb...

wow, that was like a blast from the past. i hardly remember that optimistic woman i was this time last year... sigh. maybe this process will find her again?

i wrote:

i know my 30 seconds on film will have far less effect on the audience then they will have on me. this isn't about the project, even though it is an honor to participate, it's truly about god giving me an opportunity to find redemption in the midst of pain. feeling the feelings, crying the tears and allowing there to be hope and life because of it.

that's pretty good advice to give myself (one of the features of the blog i had never imagined...)

so tomorrow i'll be the one getting my hair done and heading to meet her and her assistant at the coffee house nearby to discuss what i've been avoiding for so very long.

i know this is about body image, about my feminine psyche, about the damage that the abuse, pornography and culture have done to those parts of me. i am not an object, i am not a cow (although it was the mantra i told myself all through high school 'fat cow'...), i am a woman, inside and out - both of which have become so very distorted over time. i know i want healing, redemption and understanding of my feminine soul - i just can't seem to even find the thread to follow on this one.

i have had stephanie paulsell's book 'honoring the body' on my sidebar and desk for the past six?, eight? months... and i honestly haven't cracked it, not once. i feel like such a hypocrite. like such a poser - a wannabe - i just long to find this person who is within, that imagio deo and embrace her, accept her and love her. i just don't know where to start.

maybe tomorrow i will be able to begin to find her by telling my story. honoring my path. please if you would pray for me - insecurity and film are a lethal combination. much love.

ps - i'm also contemplating owning my blog, coming 'out' and ridding the blog of it's anonymity. any advice?? caution?? encouragement?? i'd really appreciate your thoughts.

TGIF!

whew, this week has been a whirlwind. it started last weekend as we had a spiritual retreat planned for the youth at the church. we set up the auditorium with 12 stations where they could do everything from listening prayer to make prayer beads to give themselves henna tattoos with christian symbols. we also set up the prayer path labyrinth for them to experience.

we kept it up until today so my small group of women could attend instead of our normal study today. only 5 showed up and that kind of made me sad, but those who did really appreciated it, and i got to go through today myself. i needed that time of reflection after such a crazy week.

i've done this labyrinth about 8 times now and each time is different. there is one station where you stand in front of a full length mirror - looking at myself today i realized how far i've come. i remember the first time i ever did this years ago at the nywc in cincinatti that i couldn't even look at myself. today i was able to see myself for who i was. i truly haven't changed that much 'outside' but inside i am new, restored, and much more gentle to myself. i actually looked deep into my eyes and smiled. that could have never happened years ago.

afterward i was able to read the journal that we leave at the end of the path so people can write their feelings or thoughts on the process. it became somehow a thank you card to liam and i for taking the time to invest and expose our youth to this type of spiritual experience. i wept as i read of the depth of emotion and experience and god speaking into their lives. it made everything worth it, every little bit.

looking back i realize how much this would have meant in my own life if i had been 13 and exposed to this kind of christian experience - meeting god without someone telling me how to do it or what to think. this they will take with them everywhere they go - it's all portable and can be duplicated on whatever path god takes them.

yay! but i am glad to be on this side of it all!

i went and got the second set of bloodwork done today too, so hopefully i'll have a good idea of what's happening with my thyroid next week, and maybe even start on reclaiming that part of my life back. i'm really looking forward to it.

have a wonderful weekend ya'll!

back to basics

i just can't seem to get back in the swing of things. travelling always does that to me, and i guess mix that with having a sick kid for a week and i'm pretty off my stride.

this morning i journalled instead of blogged. i started toward the computer and thought 'no, change something, what you've been doing isn't working for you'. so i grabbed a pen, a lit a candle and sat and journalled. then i sat in distracted silence for longer than i thought i could manage and hoped it would ready me to face the day.

i went to our book study this morning as was pleasantly suprised as our discussion turned to living in the broken-ness. i usually feel like the 'odd man out' there, but today i think there were a couple kindred spirits in the room, and even some 'ah-ha' experiences taking place. i'm a little jaded to be too hopeful, but there is a spark there that i pray will blow into a full fledged campfire of community.

i realize i have lost a lot since this summer, most of it has slid away slowly, so slowly that i haven't noticed. serenity, disciplines and areas of focus that served me better than what i've been doing lately. i realize that the recovery program at our church is bringing me little support or recovery. it's sad, but i've come to realize that it's too much like a bible study instead of a support group. platitudes and homilies aren't enough for me to maintain the level of growth i'm desiring.

i know that i must have a difficult, diplomatic conversation with 'the powers that be' and i am even more jaded to think that there will be any benefit to this other than me no longer having to participate. the last conversation where i attempted to explain how i felt and my desires to participate left me feeling very patronized, as she informed me, with saccarine sweetness where the power lay. i got the message and tried to play along, and have for the past 18 months. i no longer have the heart for it, i really don't. i will give it one more week and if after thanksgiving i feel it is still not giving more than it's taking i will withdraw with another conversation. accepting the things i cannot change...

this is also with the knowledge that i will be moving on to other, truer things, not running away like i have in my past. this is an important part of my growth, learning how to close things down, finish things and leave in a healthy way. walking toward, not running from.

i also know that my eating has become messy. i haven't broken my abstinence, but i have gotten lazy, and the scale is creeping upward. i had a magical plateau for the summer that i was able to maintain and be sloppy with my food. i can't do that now. i've got to make some progress in this area or i will lose (gain) all the footings i have gained (lost) so far.

god, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference. living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace, taking as jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as i would have it. trusting that you will make all things right, if i surrender to your will, so that i may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with you forever in the next. amen.

wisdom needed

hey friends. i have a situation that i need some advice on. it's something i never thought i'd need to think about, but now that it's here on my doorstep, so to speak, i'm stuck.

a couple of years ago i tried to participate in a project called 1000 journals. it was a brilliant idea, send out 1000 journals and pass them around the world and see what happens.

you signed up online and waited in a queue until your turn came. every step of the way could be tracked online and journal participants could post updates and images of the pages they made. it was artsy, creative and i hoped life giving.

it turned out to be a very destructive experience for me. the man who was 2 steps infront of me decided to dedicate pages to the following 9 people signed up behind him. he posted the images online and the page dedicated to me was horribly graphic, filled with grotesque images of breasts and women's parts put together to create what looked to me to be these cattle or cow images. needless to say this touched some very raw places in my psyche.

i felt abused by a total stranger. whatever would possess someone to be so cruel to a stranger i just couldn't fathom. instead of this project being life-giving and part of healing it wounded me deeply.

i have always struggled with my weight, and most of you know how i struggle with sexual abuse and addiction. seeing this image representing what someone, who never even met me, thought of me reinforced every horrible thing i've ever told myself. i withdrew my name from the project, and other than a couple of emails from others looking for the journal i had closed that door.

recently i have been contacted by a documentary producer who is seeking to chronicle this project in film. she is asking me to tell my part of the story. this journal has gone missing. my theory is that the person who was between this horrible man and i didn't like her dedication either and pitched it, or it got waylaid in the post.

the producer is a kind, authentic woman, very sympathetic and understanding. she is truly seeking to involve me in this project and i am feeling so mixed up i'm not sure what to do.

i have expressed my reluctance to be hurt again by this, and she has assured me repeatedly that she will not allow me to be wounded again. i just don't know. the idea of being 'on film' in the first place is difficult enough. she is willing to shoot me from 'afar' and allow me to do a voice over telling about my experience in full. i'm so confused. people like me don't have to make decisions like this.

i truly am committed to redemption. if this can be redeemed at all i would like that. it felt so arbitrary, so destructive, like nothing good could have come from it, if healing is to be found i think i want it, but i'm just so afraid.

she has asked to speak with me by phone... i need to get some advice, if you have any, please contribute. if you don't have advice, could you please pray? i'd really appreciate it. thanks.

feeling a bit stalled...

it's late here for me to be blogging. usually it's the first thing i do after i put the beans on to grind. thought about a lot of different blog topics today, and none seemed like anything i really wanted to spend my time on. so whenever i get stalled i know it has to do with my recovery. the best way i've found to beat a stall is to do what's 'next'.

WARNING - this is a hugely long post. it's more for me than you. feel free to read on, but i'm really just trying to get my thoughts and plans organized.

i know why i feel frozen, i don't like to finish things. it's either they don't end well and i feel like a failure, or they end so well that i have to grieve their passing.

i am on step 11 on two of my workbooks, and both are looming to an end. one is just a trivial step series that has only taken me this past year to do, and i'm looking forward to finishing it. the other one though i've been working on since october 2002, and it's the best tool i've ever used. i hate the thought of it ending.

it's a gentle path through the twelve steps by patrick cairns. the steps, while gentle, aren't easy. they are indepth and mine deeply into my soul.

i know that this next step will be life changing for me and i am terrified.

step eleven

sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with god as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.

here's the excerpt that i need to address today:

'spirtuality is simply another level of 'knowing' or finding. often this takes the form of a journey or quest. to undertake such a spiritual quest, you will need to make special preparations. here are suggestions for what you might need:

- a dream journal
- a seeking place
- a guiding metaphor
- a collection of sacred things
- a spiritual mentor.'

while i'd love to go to taize or linwood house or backpack around europe i have neither the funds, nor the freedom. so i have to think on a smaller, less grand scale. i think i've found my location. it's a romanian orthodox monastary i've visited about 10 miles from my home.

they have homes that can be used for pilgrims and a beautiful site, complete with a chapel filled with breath-taking icons. it's run by nuns and not monks, and they are warm and welcoming.

the issue i am stalled by is what it's supposed to 'look like'. do i hike there? do i drive? is it a silent retreat? do i participate in the routine of the monastery? how long should i go? i am so indecisive it is overwhelming me. i just don't want to screw this up. i have spent a day alone with god before, it's not the silence or solitude that bring me the anxiety, i guess it's more like 'this is my big chance, don't goof it'.

i put so much pressure on myself and god for everything to be 'just so' that i am terrified i will be disappointed (kind of like the dance - which should remind me that i will never be disapponted, but the intimacy thing still terrifies me...)

anyway, back to planning.

as far as a 'dream journal' goes, i don't have 'dreams' like spiritual people have dreams (like amy does). i've always wanted deep spiritual dreams, they just don't seem to happen when i sleep. maybe i'm meant to dream while i'm awake?? but i am 6 pages away from finishing my current journal (back to that hate to finish stuff thing - it's the first journal i will have actually filled, lots of them started, but they're just so pretty, and i want a new one all the time... i have forced myself to stop buying them and finish at least one...) so my goal is to finish writing in the current one and take a brand spanking new one with me on this trip. i have been preparing it for almost a year.

the current journal i have was a gift, and every time i open it i'm blessed with a fragrance, like i've walked into a wonderful candle shop. so i have my new journal in a zip lock bag with some wonderful scented aroma, and am hoping that this will continue the sensory experience.

boy am i full of bunny trails today... (okay, this is more for me than for you, sorry!)

so i have the seeking place, and the dream journal. now the metaphors. throughout the book you are encouraged to find metaphors that give you pictures of your recovery. i have many. my metaphor for my childhood is a hedgehog. curl up and protect myself because no one else seemed to. my metaphor for adulthood is the mama bear. hyper vigilant, protecting her loved ones (that includes you too) from any danger or attack. and the metaphor i gleened from reading when the heart waits by sue monk kidd. the butterfly.

there are too many layers to describe how this metaphor has touched me. my journal is filled with pages and pages. i'll have to blog on this another time.

the second to last metaphor i'll be bringing is a sunflower. at our last women's retreat the speaker told us we all needed to ponder what type of flower we were in god's garden. i thought it was a stupid 'ladies retreat' type of thing to do, and was very irritated by it, but upon actually meditating on it (reluctantly obedient that i am) i realized that i was a sunflower.

sturdy, tall and practical. have you ever tried to pull one of these from the ground? stubborn and rooted also fits too. they nourish others and lift their faces to the sun. even for a dumb ladies retreat assignement god used this metaphor deeply in my life. it was also a wonderful way to get to know and understand the other women i was in a small group with. i think i'm going to assign this to us all in the blogworld. (file for later)...

the last, most recent metaphor god gave me while starting preperation for this pilgrimage was a circus performer balancing on a ball. so much of my life has been marked by extremes. i don't do 'middle ground' very well. it is my prayer that my recovery is marked by balance.

sacred things... the thought of walking the 10 miles gave me the idea for a walking stick (balancing circus performers also use a stick to help them balance). i found a stick while at creation, now i just have to personalize it a bit. walking sticks also alert helpful drivers to know that the walker is intent on walking - and doesn't want a ride.

i will also need a mirror. body image and my self image is a very big part of my recovery. i hesitate to type that i'll be bringing a mirror. it seems vain. anyway.

i also have collected a small cloth bag of sacred objects. rocks, acorns, gifts from my children, reminders of childhood. i hang it on the corner post of my bed and dump it out when i need some connections or am feeling alone. it is a wonderful tool to help replace the lies i tell myself.

i also have a floppy hat to shade my head and it has a beautiful copper butterfly pin on it. i have copper colored hair, and remember the 'red hair' jokes of childhood that hurt me so much. i can't remember when/who it was that corrected that and gifted me with the words, 'you don't have red hair, you have copper hair'. somehow that made a lot of it all better.

the last sacred thing i want to bring (and this probably would have worked better in the early summer, but the timing wasn't possible) is a pocketful of sunflower seeds. i want to drop them along my path and either feed the birds who follow, or maybe plant sunflowers this year or next along my path.

the last on the list is a spiritual mentor. this is probably the most difficult for me to blog on. i have longed for a mentor all of my life. i have a wonderful therapist who 'fills the gap' but i truly want someone who loves me for who i am and is willing to step into my life and commit to loving and mentoring me. it has never happened.

i have heard rumor that a spiritual director has moved back into our community. i am very excited about this and hope to make contact soon. i would really love to have a director in my life that is close by and can be seen regularly.

so... there is my list. i have done what is 'next'. maybe that will break the stall that i feel like i've been in.

please father, help me as i plan, not to have too high of expectations, not to freeze or stop from moving forward. help me today to take another step toward you - and i pray today for knowledge of your will and the power to carry that out. amen.