Thursday, August 26, 2004

wisdom needed

hey friends. i have a situation that i need some advice on. it's something i never thought i'd need to think about, but now that it's here on my doorstep, so to speak, i'm stuck.

a couple of years ago i tried to participate in a project called 1000 journals. it was a brilliant idea, send out 1000 journals and pass them around the world and see what happens.

you signed up online and waited in a queue until your turn came. every step of the way could be tracked online and journal participants could post updates and images of the pages they made. it was artsy, creative and i hoped life giving.

it turned out to be a very destructive experience for me. the man who was 2 steps infront of me decided to dedicate pages to the following 9 people signed up behind him. he posted the images online and the page dedicated to me was horribly graphic, filled with grotesque images of breasts and women's parts put together to create what looked to me to be these cattle or cow images. needless to say this touched some very raw places in my psyche.

i felt abused by a total stranger. whatever would possess someone to be so cruel to a stranger i just couldn't fathom. instead of this project being life-giving and part of healing it wounded me deeply.

i have always struggled with my weight, and most of you know how i struggle with sexual abuse and addiction. seeing this image representing what someone, who never even met me, thought of me reinforced every horrible thing i've ever told myself. i withdrew my name from the project, and other than a couple of emails from others looking for the journal i had closed that door.

recently i have been contacted by a documentary producer who is seeking to chronicle this project in film. she is asking me to tell my part of the story. this journal has gone missing. my theory is that the person who was between this horrible man and i didn't like her dedication either and pitched it, or it got waylaid in the post.

the producer is a kind, authentic woman, very sympathetic and understanding. she is truly seeking to involve me in this project and i am feeling so mixed up i'm not sure what to do.

i have expressed my reluctance to be hurt again by this, and she has assured me repeatedly that she will not allow me to be wounded again. i just don't know. the idea of being 'on film' in the first place is difficult enough. she is willing to shoot me from 'afar' and allow me to do a voice over telling about my experience in full. i'm so confused. people like me don't have to make decisions like this.

i truly am committed to redemption. if this can be redeemed at all i would like that. it felt so arbitrary, so destructive, like nothing good could have come from it, if healing is to be found i think i want it, but i'm just so afraid.

she has asked to speak with me by phone... i need to get some advice, if you have any, please contribute. if you don't have advice, could you please pray? i'd really appreciate it. thanks.

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