Wednesday, August 18, 2004

red in the morning

sailors take warning

this was the view i saw looking out my office window this morning. i knew i needed to capture it to share with you.

forecast of things to come??

it feels like it. stormy weathers in my soul this morning. i am a weepy mess, so moved by everything i read. claudia, christy, steph and amy all made me bawl this morning, or maybe they touched that raw place that seems to be surfacing in my heart and soul.

some of you know that i'm planning to attend 'the path' at linwood house this november. many of you are joining me. i am so moved at the thought of having this opportunity to just go to 'the most beautiful place on earth' (as i've told mike todd for almost a year now) let alone to have it be filled with so many real people that i've come to adore and love that have faces and arms, not just words and screens.

but somehow i am also terrified. i hate to have to type that. but i am. terrified. this world is so safe for me here. what if we all get to vancouver and find that we really don't like to be in the same room (or you all love each other and realize that i am as caustic and overbearing as i say i am??)

the 'real world' just doesn't feel like a very safe place for me right now. i'm really struggling. writing every day is churning up so much stuff that i feel exposed to everyone i see, even though they haven't a clue what i've written. i feel like the scales have fallen off and i'm all jangly nerves and raw flesh - like i haven't been dipped in the pool yet, and i'm not fit for public consumption.

i know it's 'that time of the month' (i hate that term) and it's that time of the summer, and it's that time of my life (i'll be 39 in 2 months...) and simply put i'm tired. bone tired. it's like 'my soul caught up' to me after the busyness of the past two months and said 'this? this is what's left? no thanks, don't want to stay here...'

i have been avoiding EVERYTHING lately. everything. except feeling my emotions, writing and reading your blogs. my house is in disarray, i haven't yet balanced the july bank statement or paid august bills. this is a red flag, danger danger will robinson kind of thing for me. this says 'if you don't shake it off you're gonna slip' kind of behavior. i don't want to slip, really i don't, but i definitely don't care one whit about the other stuff.

i have become compulsive about blogging and reading other people's blogs. there i said it. yuck.

this 'world' is so much more attractive to me than what's outside my doors. i run into people i call my friends here and think 'please be real, please show my just a little of yourself today, don't look at me with veiled eyes, just one person, could you please just show me some courage or trust, please?' it seems like i'm living in a world of mannequins (not here at home, liam and i are good), but outside the walls of my house (my cave) i can't stand it. masks, plastic people, fake lives, shallow conversations - i want more. i want community. i have found it 'here', but i need flesh and bone, i need eyes and faces. i need acceptance without judging. i need a safe place where i can trust, and am trusted by others.

i am a member in a 'tea group'. 8 women from all different ages and walks of life who meet together monthly at each other's homes and share a meal. when this started almost 3 years ago it was cold water to my thirsty soul. no one in my life had ever taken the time to prepare such extravagance for me. frilly tablecloths, pretty napkins, dainty food. in my white trash childhood you had to pay to be treated like this. these women nurtured a place deep within me. they loved and accepted me and brought me to a place where i felt very safe.

somewhere along the line 'nice' stepped in. something happened. i don't know what it was, but things changed. masks went on, tablecloths stayed in place. covering up became necessary again. being the paranoid social misfit that i am i assume it is something i have done or said. some social faux pas that i didn't understand. the last year of tea groups has been fake, plastic, forced. we're no longer building, we're maintaining now. i don't like it. instead of bringing life it feels artificial and like acting. once we were the care free girls playing tea party, now we're just trying to act like we are. the difference is so subtle, but it's diabolical in sucking true joy away.

today is 'tea party day'. something that should be bringing me great joy (heck, it's should be enough that i get a break from the kids and home) but it's made me feel unsettled and unsure. today we get to go to my girlfriend's grandmother's farm for tea. this is something that should bring me joy. yet i want to call off, stay here and isolate myself. insulate myself. avoid, withdraw and lick my wounds.

danger, danger will robinson... so admitting you have the problem is the first step, right?? right. okay, i have a problem. red in the morning, sailors take warning... what does the storm of today hold for me? will it be a nurturing rain? or an entertaining thunderstorm? a windy, uncontrollable gusty storm? i guess it's my choice. respond, don't react. i can pick. there is some control in the uncontrollable around me. i forget that so often.

deep cleansing breaths.

father, today i truly feel 6, i want to go and play with my friends, but i am afraid that they won't like me. afraid that i will say or do the wrong thing and that there won't be enough grace to make it better. please come with me today and be a buffer of grace in all i say and do. hold my hand daddy. i am afraid.

No comments: