Thursday, August 19, 2004

a double portion

hi all. i used my blogging time this morning to make additions to my sidebar. darren at alternative hymnal was a godsend in giving me code to made those additions. THANKS DARREN!

so after i purged out all of that emotion yesterday i felt much better... sorry... (and thank you). i did go to my tea, it was a wonderful day. only 5 of us were able to attend (instead of the usual 8) and the drive through the country did this girl a lot of good. it was a gorgeous day and we had an outdoor tea under the maple trees on my girlfriend's grandmother's lawn. each moment kept building warmth and healing into my soul.

i introduced myself to her grandmother and she said to 'call me grandma'. i teared up thinking those words haven't come out of my mouth in a very long time. i got to sit next to her and hold her hand during the prayer and i realized how very much i missed having that grandmotherly figure in my life.

my paternal grandmother was the most amazing woman, she raised 6 kids virtually by herself, while her husband was alive he spent most of his time avoiding work and drinking his pay at the bar. he died when my father was 6. grandma cooked, baked, sewed, crocheted, knit and crafted. some of my favorite memories were making lefsa and sugar cookies with her.

earlier this month i made the connection that the reason i used to binge on uncooked baked goods was because it reminded me of the safety and support that i felt when we would bake at home. i thought it was with my mother, but after yesterday i realized that the real memories where when my grandmother would come to visit. it was her stability and warmth that i craved. she died when i was about 11.

we visited and shared and laughed and told stories around the table, it was a gentleness break that was much needed. after the meal my hostess shared about her mother's struggle with her weight and i was able to share some of my own recovery with them. i tried to help them see that if she was like me it wasn't about dieting, but about dealing with the emotions i was trying to avoid that caused me to want to stuff myself full of food. i was able to talk about it in the first person, using only my issues and how it affected me, and i was heard. it was a nice step 12 moment.

on the ride home i realized that i was riding with two women who were on the prayer committee at the church and that we were together so that i could share my struggle with some of the politics at church that have been stressing me out, without being gossipy or inappropriate. they would hold my confidence and truly pray for me, and the concerns i was able to voice. and again, i truly felt heard.

afterward i stopped over to the pool to see liam and the kids and then went home to a quiet house to read and reflect. as i walked in my porch renee's book was there and i was able to enjoy it and the comments you all left on my blog.

so i am feeling so incredibly blessed to have had such a nurturing day, such a gentleness break and such a wonderful community 'to come home to'. thank you all for praying, and your kind, funny and inspiring words. they really meant a lot to me.

it was a good, good day.

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