journals update

yesterday i had a great discussion with the producer of the project, we talked for over an hour. the first half of the conversation was filled with expressing her concern for me, my journey and healing and how this affected me. she is a wonderful woman and she never once asked me to participate until she heard from me that i was safe and in a good place emotionally.

i had really prayed and taken time this past weekend to figure out exactly what i wanted from this process, and why it has fallen into my lap. like i've said many times, i am an addict for redemption. i truly believe nothing is wasted. i knew that this was brought to me so that this period in my life could be redeemed, that this experience brought life instead of death.

i had decided if she was as kind 'in person' as her emails seemed to be that i would be willing to participate in the documentary. she was, and i am.

she said some phrases in our conversation that really spoke to my heart. things like 'you will be speaking for 100's who were hurt by this project', 'you will be able to tell your story'. i knew before we talked that this project was about breaking free of fear. so much of my blogging and healing is recovering my 'voice'. using it in this way will truly allow me to continue that process.

i had 4 years of art in highschool. 3 of those years were spent with a male teacher who's goal was to make little carbon copies of himself. he was a very gifted naturalist, he painted farm scenes and fence lines, fish and wildlife - all very realistic and detailed. he froze me where i stood. i am not that kind of person, detail brings out the perfectionist in me and i found myself painting blades of grass instead of broad brush strokes. each painting was forced, stilted and unimaginative. i was trapped painting photographs instead of art. it killed a part of me that i really needed to be alive, back then, and when i signed up for the journal project, and more so even today.

i told her that my art had always been safe, controlled, in a box. i wanted to participate in the project so that i could set something free. so that i could contribute to something bigger than me, release it and not have control over it. i know now (what i didn't know then) that it was about fear, about breaking my need to have control over everything in my life. that by allowing that journal to fall into the hands of others they could rip the pages out, deface the art or ignore it completely. i was okay with that. i knew what followed after was completely out of my control. i wanted that.

what i wasn't prepared for was what came before i received the journal. that was completely out of my control too. i was blindsided by that image, totally unprepared to be subjected to someone else's baggage and hatred of women.

part of this redemption redemption process is that the producer has tracked down stalled journals, she is sending me one so that i can still contribute. she suggested this even before she knew if i'd participate or not. that's how cool she is. this is becoming a story of redemption, a story of hope, instead of a story of pain. i like that. as i am typing i just received an email from her telling me that i should have a journal in my hands by the end of the week. it was one of the early ones and it has little in it, it has set in a box for the past three years. it too is being redeemed!

i know my 30 seconds on film will have far less effect on the audience then they will have on me. this isn't about the project, even though it is an honor to participate, it's truly about god giving me an opportunity to find redemption in the midst of pain. feeling the feelings, crying the tears and allowing there to be hope and life because of it.

sidenote - she was stunned to find out that i had never had contact with the artist who made that image. because it affected me so personally she assumed he had more information about me than just my name. she has spoken him and he told her that he meditated over the names and created art that he received during his mediation time. i know that this was spiritual, that there was a purpose that i was supposed to be hurt and involved in this. i don't want to make too much out of it, i just thought that it was fascinating detail that i didn't want lost.

anyway - i'll keep you posted on how this progresses. thank you so much for all of your advice, counsel and support with this and many of the other issues in my life! you are a truly amazing community!