been there, done that. doesn't work.
it wasn't that i misunderstood your words, i knew them too well. it's what i was told my whole life. feed the white dog so the black dog starves, crucify the old man, you can say it anyway you want, but it's just putting paint on an ugly old building.
i was raised with this dualist mentality and it's not biblical. god is the god of redemption, he doesn't make old things new, he makes all things new - he will use your pain, when you face it, to help yourself and others. pretending or avoiding will only make it surface in other ugly ways. depression, anxiety, addictions, denial. none of them work, i've tried each and every one.
god is using my journey, and all the pain i've endured to help myself and others to see that it's not just wasted. god becomes the king of sick jokes otherwise. he's not. he's the redeemer. he'll redeem your past if you let him. but it only comes through facing it. not to dwelling there, like i said in my other comment, but facing it long enough to untangle it and see how it's causing pain in your life today, and stopping it from causing pain in your tomorrow. it's a hard, ugly road to walk, and it's 'not fair' or fun or a blessing, but it's worth it.
i highly recommend 'the wounded healer' by henri nouwen. it's in our brokenness that he is strong, glorified and life makes sense again. otherwise it's just this life long battle of curses and shame. god becomes a masochist and nothing makes sense.
it is the most diabolical teaching that i've had to free myself from. those who teach it can't even fathom the damage they are doing in the kingdom of god. it makes it 'our job' to do the crucifying, instead of it being a finished work. we become the one to be redeeming, instead of god. it's heresy and it's horrible. and until we call if for what it is the kingdom and churches will be in bondage to the idol of self, instead of seeing GOD as the redeemer and completer of our salvation.
that is the beauty of the 12 steps. that is why i truly think that they are inspired (not like biblical inspiration, k?) by god. truth was redeemed in those 12 steps. truth that somehow along the way the church seemed to loose.
step 1 - admit we are powerless and our lives have become unmanageable.
thinking that i can do this on my own is, well, i'm gonna call it for what it is, satanic. there, that's plain and simple how completely distorted this teaching is. i think it comes from the pit of hell.
satan doesn't want us cutting animals to bits and sacrificing virgins in his name. he'd much rather have us tied up in knots and not getting the full understanding of the redemptive process of god.
when you say:
"Today I am very aware of living between 2 worlds. The world of my false self – the victim, the hurt child that wont let anyone close…..and the world of my true self – willing to feel the real pain of what really happened, but not be controlled by it. It's my true self that Jesus is redeeming. That redemption is the primary issue on which I need to be focused, not past abuse, or its current affects."
it sounds so close to right that you might not see how very far this path will take you from your end goal. one small notch on a navigation compass might not seem like a huge deal when looking at the compass, but when navigating a course at sea it will mean leagues of distance you have to traverse to recover your true course.
i have traveled those leagues. this is truly just a plea to learn from my mistakes. see that the lie is subtle, but diabolical. god truly will redeem your pain if you let him. you don't have to war within yourself. there is only one world, your reality lives there. the journey is 'in and through'. like i said above. it's not easy, but it's worth it.