Sunday, August 01, 2004

danger, danger will robinson...

lost in space

okay, confession time. i have become addicted to blogging. checking my comments, email and site stats has replaced whatever my last compulsion was. i know on my scale of possible compulsions this is a 'safer' or more socially acceptable one than some of my others, but it is compulsive none the less.

that means some things that i really don't want to acknowledge, let alone write about, but i know if i don't then i will have to step away for a bit.

this was created as a place to vent and write every day. what has happened though is far beyond what i ever imagined. i've 'met' so many of you, and love each and every one. you read my words and support me, and share your words with me. but instead of writing more words, i've begun to write less. instead of delving deep inside and pouring out my thoughts and fears, hopes and dreams i've started to edit myself for fear if you truly see those things you might 'leave' or step away or not 'like me'. how childish of me.

when i started this i wasn't so fragile. i'm not sure what happened. i truly didn't expect this community, that is for certain. but to loose that now would be crushing. i truly never expected to find kindred souls and so much support. i really just intended this to be a tool for me to use in my recovery and journey. not the journey itself.

i guess it's replaced the void i have felt in being unheard and unaccepted in my local church community. i was speaking to a fellow blogger yesterday and we talked about how we're both at a stage where we long for nothing more than community, but we're not experiencing much of that where we are at the moment. kindred souls, people who 'get it' are few and far between in my life right now. i've got friends, and they are progressing on a level of intimate community, but i seem to be the one they all like to have around so they can feel like we've got community because i'm the one doing the sharing and being the example. they all claim to 'want it' but don't want to or aren't able to 'do the work' i guess.

so that brings me back to blogging. finding this place where people will say 'i'm lonely' or 'i'm struggling with depression' or 'i have addictions'. it is fresh water to my thirsty soul. but i can't live here. i long to. i long to be protected by a video monitor and keyboard, isolating myself, being in control of what i reveal and who i interact with. but red flags are flying all around me.

i remember that old science fiction show 'lost in space' (i had a huge crush on will robinson he was the only red haired boy who wasn't gross - like danny on the partridge family) and those red flags feel like the robot's arms flying in every direction, spinning and yelling 'danger danger'. what i know to be true is that instead of writing from my heart lately it's been easier to entertain. link to deep things others have said, or be 'surface-y' in my own words. it's like junk food for my soul.

i need this blog to be 'meat and potatoes' to challenge me and make me better instead of no calorie excess. i'm just so afraid to go there now. i guess it's shame based fear. i've written on it a lot lately. but it always boils down to shame for me if i'm avoiding something, and i have been avoiding this. i guess the suprise of you liking me meant more to me than my own recovery.

i regularly say 'nothing tastes as good as serenity feels'... but i admit, your liking me 'tastes' pretty good. and i have traded it for my serenity. instead of taking the morning quiet to meditate and pray i use it for uninterrupted blogging time. i know that will change when the kids start school, but i still have to get from here to there, or i'm going to have more problems on my hands.

so i guess what i've untangled here is that this needs to be a tool, not a diversion. i know the line is so very fine, but i think it has to do with what i write. is it delving deeper into who i am, or is it surface and easy. i want to write every day. it is a discipline that i am trying to instill. maybe i need to write more and blog less when it's the stuff that i don't feel i can share (even anonymously, isn't that strange???).

well, it's a busy, busy sunday here and i best get at it. have a great day!

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