so much for being debt free...

stink.

got a call from the mechanic (this one is new, my former one recommended him) and he's informed me that my little old van is not worth fixing. to get it certified safe would cost more than it's worth... we wanted another year out of it. poop.

this has raised a lot of anxiety in me. lots of 'what if's?' and 'should we's?' without liam here to process it with it makes me want to eat. so instead of eating i balanced the check book, paid bills and while that didn't make anything more rosey it sure put reality dead center in my mind. escape is what i longed for. reality is what i need. see, that quote on the paper towels did come at the right time! :)

and instead of escaping again, i decided to blog about it. i hate big decisions like this.

liam and i have only purchased 3 vehicles in the 17 years we've been married. our first was a 1964 ford falcon. it was our first car and we ended up giving it away when we moved to canada. we lived in canada for years without a vehicle and then broke down when we moved to the country and bought our little mazda 323. it was a standard, and my favorite little car. it got creamed by a 86 year old man with coke bottle glasses driving his 84 year old wife to the hospital. he t-boned pink and i when she was 8 months old - we were safe, but the mazda was toast.

that brought us to our villager. i too love(d) that van. liam has always done the research to make sure when we do purchase a vehicle it is sound. both vehicles were purchased using consumer reports and everything turned out to be bang on. so i know we will again do the research. i've already started, but the thought of going into debt again just sticks in my gut. we wanted this year to save for a vehcile in the spring. we haven't saved a cent. so we're stuck with crummy options.

liam's car, a ford tempo was given to us by an older couple in our community. they replaced it and felt god leading them to pass it on. it has been a true gift. is it wrong to pray for another gift to drop out of the sky? it feels selfish, almost greedy.

the other struggle i'm having is that it's been quite some time since i've had anything 'nice'. i don't know if i can explain it, but it almost seems that i am unworthy of having anything nice. writing that seems wrong, but it's truly deep down how i feel. the thought of walking onto a car lot and picking out something shiney and new almost feels sinful, indulgent. i've lived so long with dents and rust that it almost is like a second skin. yuck.

i don't know how to balance the desire to get a nice shiny nissan quest with the knowledge that i don't deserve it because we can't pay for it upfront. oh, this is getting far more complicated and emotional than i intended it to be. makes me want to go eat... breathe.

supper is soon. i can make it until then. lonliness and anxiety are big triggers for me. i spoke with liam today and tried to sound brave, he knew that i was struggling though. not because he's gone, i am strong enough to make it through a weekend alone. i was fine until i heard his voice. oh how i hate being so weak. so dependent. well, i best go and make some dinner. thanks for listening to me blaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhgggggggg.