Friday, August 06, 2004

decade of pain - part two

well, it sounded like a good idea at 4:30 this morning to begin this journey... i have since had a nap and a cup of reheated coffee and know that if i don't keep going i will probably never get part two blogged. so here it goes...

liam exited the car sales business and finally entered an industry that allowed him to use his brain and talents. he started working in an open custody group home for young offenders. it suited him well. unfortunately it left me feeling highly unfulfilled. i was jealous, not only of the fact that he had a good, well paying respected job, but also that he began to spend a lot of time at work. double shifts and over time, writing reports and attending training.

i sucked as a telemarketer, i refused to guilt people into computer training and as soon as my grace period of guaranteed pay went to commissions i got very restless. the owners of the company really liked me and could see i was a good worker, just ill suited for the position. they found me a retail position in a new little closet store where i was able to use some of my creativity and engage my mind.

i worked for two jewish south african men who respected me for my mind, something i had yet to experience in my short life. it was salve to my soul, and i decided at that time i would do anything for them, their respect and license fertilized a small seed in my soul and allowed it to grow and flourish. i loved them and their families and supported their businesses to the best of my abilities. i began to reconstruct a life for myself.

those first two years were the most stable i had ever been in ages, and the most professionally satisfying for me. it was then that liam and i decided that it was time to begin our own family.

our plans, for god's plans, for our lives didn't pan out like we thought they would. each and every month i became a failure. my own body was turning on me. the high expectations that come from a late period and the crashing low that follows were unbearable. my reconstructed person was too fragile to withstand this difficult time.

we had moved out to care take a farm for my step-father-in-law. his romanian orthodox church had purchased the property for church picnics and as an investment for the future. my country girl heart was thrilled. very low rent and 3 acres to mow and a pond for liam to fish. we got a golden retriever and even found a church that had a youth group to work with. it seemed like things were turning to our favor. all except for the fact that i just couldn't seem to get pregnant.

it was at that time i remembered a dumb prayer. one of those you pray at a time of terrible pain and loss. i prayed 'god, if i'm ever going to get sick and die on my children like my mother did then i don't want to have children at all'. yuck. did that mean i was going to die on top of this?? liam working crazy hours, being out in the middle of nowhere and the infertility all conspired to bring me to a place where i was living a life divided.

in public i was able to maintain the appearance of some semblance of sanity, but alone i began to isolate, complain of physical symptoms and my addictions shifted into over-drive. i gained weight at light speed and began a routine of renting dirty movies when i knew liam was working. my binge on food, and purge with smut began a cycle that spun me down into a big black hole. no one at the time had enough love or ability to care or help. i was alone, and becoming very miserable, and very suicidal, still trying to think of a way that was foolproof.

this coupled god slamming the door shut every time we attempted to open any to enter into ministry. . it seemed we were not only unfit to be parents, but unfit to serve in the kingdom of god too.

the church youth group we were devoting all of our free time and money to got really weird. one of the deacons, a very unhealthy man, both physically, emotionally and spiritually decided that he didn't like me very much. i was mentoring his daughter and her best friend, and i guess i was getting too close to the family secrets. i don't know why really, but he made it his goal to oust us from any involvement with the youth of the church. it worked, he won and we slunk away to lick our wounds.

the icing on the cake was 3 months later his 17 year old daughter was pregnant, and i was still infertile. it was at that time that i finally had it - a sure way - no question about it - i finally knew how i was going to kill myself.

we were about 40 minutes away from niagara falls. every time anyone would visit we'd take them there. i remember standing on the point where the edge of the falls is closest to the barrier and watching that coke bottle green water flow over the edge. i knew one day i would launch myself over that edge. fly first and then be surrounded by that great and powerful water.

i knew i had to be alone. i would drive my little mazda 323 to the exact point on the street where the falls met the edge and leave it running, with my suicide notes on the passenger seat and run full blast to the edge, climb the barrier and swan dive into the big deep green.

i stroked that wonderful plan like gollum stroked the ring. it became my precious, my solution, my way out. i even wrote my notes many times.

i couldn't admit that i was ruining myself on my own and because of my continued hypochondria i became convinced that i had epstein barr, or chronic fatique, or even worse lupus like my mother. i had symptom upon symptom and i started to use that wonderful free health care to my advantage.

those old testament verses about bones rotting and being consumed was true for me. i was having physical manifestations of the emotional pain i wasn't dealing with. home depot moved into town and shut down my little store. i now was unemployed and had even more time to isolate myself. we didn't need the income, so we gathered it was finally that time and god was preparing us for pregnancy. we were wrong.

it was because of the hypochondria that i finally got to some doctors who identified my real problem, depression. i was sent to counseling. a psychiatrist confirmed the diagnosis and prescribed prozac and i was told that i was 'angry and needed assertiveness training'. i scoffed at them. i am laughing now, but at the time i truly argued with the nurse - 'i am not angry, i never get angry, and you can see from me telling you this that i am assertive enough not to need the training'.

i took the prescription and began my first shaky steps toward emotional health. the drug helped stabilize me to the point where i was at least able to begin to address some of my emotional pain.

one of the benefits of our volunteer youth ministry was that we came in contact with a man who began to pastor us from a distance. his influence was felt deeply in our lives. he recommended good books to read and began a thirst within me for healing. i hadn't prayed in years and he told me to just start to yell at god - tell him everything. so on my little lawn tractor i would yell and scream at god and no one could hear me. i told him everything. how much i hated the silence, how much i hated him for taking my mom, for making my body not work for me, for judging us unfit for kingdom or family and for making me so weak. so very weak.

i never expected when i began this this morning that it would be so long. it's more for me than you i guess now, but if you've made it this far i am appreciative. thank you for journeying with me along this path. i guess part three will continue later.

decade of pain - part 1

decade of pain - part 3

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