unsettled

we had an amazing week coming home and getting school started. being together as a family in our home and focusing on 'us'. i cooked the whole week and things flowed so naturally. it was really beautiful.

i should have seen it coming. after a great time away in canada and a good week at home i should have known that the down after the up was on it's way. i forgot. you see the up side was just so normal and natural, beautiful and balanced. no mountain-top time to come crashing down from. but i think the sustained positive time needed balanced some how with this funk i've found myself in.

because i was so blindsided by it i found myself eating my stress and avoiding my emotions. so today, i'm attempting to feel them and breathe, but the past couple of days have been filled with a lot of short fuses and angry outbursts. i can't remember the last time i was so crabby and unsettled. it has really been quite a long time when i start to look back. i guess this is a good thing, but i really HATE all of these emotions that are churning up inside of me.

another ingredient to this malaise stew may very well be the fact that the film-maker is flying in from h-wood tomorrow to interview me for the 1000 journals documentary. this is putting closure on a painful experience, but i think dragging it back up again is really making me deal with all of it like i might not have previously.

i blogged about it last year here and here.

i haven't even read those posts. i know i need to go back and do that now... brb...

wow, that was like a blast from the past. i hardly remember that optimistic woman i was this time last year... sigh. maybe this process will find her again?

i wrote:

i know my 30 seconds on film will have far less effect on the audience then they will have on me. this isn't about the project, even though it is an honor to participate, it's truly about god giving me an opportunity to find redemption in the midst of pain. feeling the feelings, crying the tears and allowing there to be hope and life because of it.

that's pretty good advice to give myself (one of the features of the blog i had never imagined...)

so tomorrow i'll be the one getting my hair done and heading to meet her and her assistant at the coffee house nearby to discuss what i've been avoiding for so very long.

i know this is about body image, about my feminine psyche, about the damage that the abuse, pornography and culture have done to those parts of me. i am not an object, i am not a cow (although it was the mantra i told myself all through high school 'fat cow'...), i am a woman, inside and out - both of which have become so very distorted over time. i know i want healing, redemption and understanding of my feminine soul - i just can't seem to even find the thread to follow on this one.

i have had stephanie paulsell's book 'honoring the body' on my sidebar and desk for the past six?, eight? months... and i honestly haven't cracked it, not once. i feel like such a hypocrite. like such a poser - a wannabe - i just long to find this person who is within, that imagio deo and embrace her, accept her and love her. i just don't know where to start.

maybe tomorrow i will be able to begin to find her by telling my story. honoring my path. please if you would pray for me - insecurity and film are a lethal combination. much love.

ps - i'm also contemplating owning my blog, coming 'out' and ridding the blog of it's anonymity. any advice?? caution?? encouragement?? i'd really appreciate your thoughts.