tj left this comment on my post yesterday and she is so right. just so you understand a bit about me i need to tell you why i stayed.
i have stopped everything else - it's not at the church and i thought i could handle it, these were the women who sang to me and planned our going away night. i stayed because it was the closest thing to community that i had, and i knew that if i had nothing i would start to isolate myself (that is already happening). this is a big problem for me, it has been all my adult life. it was a problem for my mother and her mother before her.
i truly could be the kind of person who only leaves home to be anonymous. it is because of shame. i know i haven't done anything wrong here - we can hold our head's high in our community - but i just despise running into anyone at the grocery store or in town. too many things to explain - most of which are none of their business. if they really cared they would have called - this seems/feels like mining for information to tell their friends.
the other reason i choose to stay was because they choose to study the beatitudes. i felt like i could really have some input here that wouldn't be the standard, christian 'jesus answers'. i really wanted to challenge that thought, verbalize truth and fight the rich, suburban mindset that fills those women's lives. this study is rocking their world. the truth is making them very uncomfortable. helping them unpack these words of jesus in a way that transforms what they think being a christian is all about. it's very satisfying in some ways - to allow jesus' own words to convict them. to make them think about poverty and loss of power - to understand that 'poor in spirit' doesn't just mean 'oh i feel so blue today'.
so that is why i have stayed - sanity and kingdom life. if either of those two are compromised i'm done. and if i can find anything else to fill that requirement i will step away. these are really the only people (with skin on) that have made any effort to remind me that i meant more to them than my husband's job.
speaking of that, tonight is the business meeting - we have fantasized about showing up - i think we're still members - unless some bylaw states otherwise - but secretly, well not so secretly i want some parents to get up and give them hell. to hold somebody accountable. i know it's not really going to happen - they silence every critic and shame every courageous one - and call it unity - but i just want someone to make them uncomfortable and hold them accountable.
it's like somehow on the calendars in our brain that this was the last date that tied us to the church - getting past today will be a milestone of sorts. yesterday was hard, i shut down. i haven't been sleeping well and it caused stupid things to be important and i found myself scratching at liam when i wanted to be scratching at 'them'... we talked it out, but it was another affect of their stupid power to hurt us still.
off to our new church this a.m. - it's a god send. i'll tell you more about that later. have a good day!