Friday, September 23, 2005

it comes in waves

we are on the crest of another wave of pain hitting right now. both liam and i are just reeling today. it's unbelievable how people have the power to hurt you still even when you're never around them. i know it will receed and we'll be farther along the healing path, but for right now it just hurts.

i was at my bible study and one of the women asked for prayer as she is doing an art piece to celebrate the worship pastor's 5 years of service. the children's pastor caught my eye across the room, acknowledging that she knew it was liam's turn to have been honored in this way (the only real honoring the church ever does - and my girlfriend's art is so beautiful and personal - she truly pours her heart and soul into it). i started to cry, fighting back the tears, biting the inside of my cheek to refrain for feeling such deep emotion in public.

the tears come again, knowing that liam should be preparing to be honored this weekend too, but instead he's reeling and wounded. dwelling in the present means honoring this new wave, but it's so hard not to let the sadness and grief mask itself with anger and resentment, those emotions are there too, but it's harder to just allow ourselves to feel sad.

liam is spending some time away today alone, journalling and working through his 'artists way at work'. the portion he's working through right now is about anger and i know he's been avoiding it, it's been deep and buried. when we met (20 years ago...) he was punching walls and a punk rock slam dancer. when we got serious that anger seemed to go away. there have truly only been less than a dozen times i have seen liam really, really angry since.

i think he's afraid that the level of pain he's feeling will bring that deep level of anger that he used to struggle with after his parent's divorce.

what is taking place deep in our souls, deep in those hard to reach spaces is a level of acknowledgement and ownership - it is healthy and good, but it is also very painful and elemental in a sense. we are finding that hidden wholeness that parker palmer speaks of. it's just been quite a process, and i know it's not over yet.

No comments: