Friday, November 19, 2004

back to basics

i just can't seem to get back in the swing of things. travelling always does that to me, and i guess mix that with having a sick kid for a week and i'm pretty off my stride.

this morning i journalled instead of blogged. i started toward the computer and thought 'no, change something, what you've been doing isn't working for you'. so i grabbed a pen, a lit a candle and sat and journalled. then i sat in distracted silence for longer than i thought i could manage and hoped it would ready me to face the day.

i went to our book study this morning as was pleasantly suprised as our discussion turned to living in the broken-ness. i usually feel like the 'odd man out' there, but today i think there were a couple kindred spirits in the room, and even some 'ah-ha' experiences taking place. i'm a little jaded to be too hopeful, but there is a spark there that i pray will blow into a full fledged campfire of community.

i realize i have lost a lot since this summer, most of it has slid away slowly, so slowly that i haven't noticed. serenity, disciplines and areas of focus that served me better than what i've been doing lately. i realize that the recovery program at our church is bringing me little support or recovery. it's sad, but i've come to realize that it's too much like a bible study instead of a support group. platitudes and homilies aren't enough for me to maintain the level of growth i'm desiring.

i know that i must have a difficult, diplomatic conversation with 'the powers that be' and i am even more jaded to think that there will be any benefit to this other than me no longer having to participate. the last conversation where i attempted to explain how i felt and my desires to participate left me feeling very patronized, as she informed me, with saccarine sweetness where the power lay. i got the message and tried to play along, and have for the past 18 months. i no longer have the heart for it, i really don't. i will give it one more week and if after thanksgiving i feel it is still not giving more than it's taking i will withdraw with another conversation. accepting the things i cannot change...

this is also with the knowledge that i will be moving on to other, truer things, not running away like i have in my past. this is an important part of my growth, learning how to close things down, finish things and leave in a healthy way. walking toward, not running from.

i also know that my eating has become messy. i haven't broken my abstinence, but i have gotten lazy, and the scale is creeping upward. i had a magical plateau for the summer that i was able to maintain and be sloppy with my food. i can't do that now. i've got to make some progress in this area or i will lose (gain) all the footings i have gained (lost) so far.

god, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference. living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace, taking as jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as i would have it. trusting that you will make all things right, if i surrender to your will, so that i may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with you forever in the next. amen.

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