Friday, November 12, 2004

how do i get to 2007 when i can't even get through the weekend?

one of my favorite things about this past week was the vision statement. after we all birthed our mission statements we envisioned where we'd be in 3 years and put our dream on paper so we were able to have a destination for our mission. i have the gift of seeing what others do not see.

i have vision. this was a wonderful step for me. i enjoyed it freely and gave voice to every hope and dream i held for myself and for my family. and i dreamed really big. as i awoke at 3:00 this morning i began to fret about all of the things that had to happen, all the things on our list, and i realized that i was not going to get the time to put my action statement (how you get from your mission to your vision) together within the week's deadline.

this is where the rubber hits the road for me. we have a friend who told us long ago that we'd have to have 12 kids to accomplish all of the ideas that liam and i had for god. we have been dreamers, not do-ers. i long to be a do-er - but it's so much work. yuck. there i said it - i am lazy, so damn lazy. if i don't have a deadline breathing down my neck it doesn't get done. how do so many people become so industrious? how can i harness all of this vision and actually turn it into something tangible, something that really helps people.

it's like our house has this vortex, where once you enter you're (i'm) just so content to be here i don't need to leave... or do... or challenge myself. i was so ready to conquer all of this when i was away from home, but now that i'm home and things have begun again here i wish my vision statement said something like 'survive until november 2007'. that looks far more do-able than the monsterous list i've given myself.

i realized that since i was awake i needed to take this time doing instead of fretting. if i have learned anything from the angel in the red blazer, fretting wastes my time and energy. i want this vision more than i've ever wanted anything in my life (except to be able to have my babies). but i am truly overwhelmed, i don't like to do anything that i might fail at, and this list - this action statement i need to do is so concrete, so real, and even measurable that i am frozen.

can fire be frozen?? inside joke... sorry.

oh triune god, help. i think we both want the things in my vision statement to come to pass. if that is so, help me. help me to become unstuck, unfrozen. blow wind on the embers of these coals within me and fan the flames, i feel as if i am in danger of loosing all that i've accomplished and envisioned. i don't want to go backwards. please god. give me the courage to continue. and everything else i don't even know how to ask for. amen.

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