Tuesday, August 08, 2006

i need words

i am finding it far too easy to be distracted from writing lately. kids home, reading all of your words, tv on, music on, good books, housework, sunshine, etc. unfortunately most of those are really good things - but i think it's more than that. i think i'm chickening out.

i need to do some deep soul work and i've gotten lazy. distractions are so much easier. liam took the kids to the festival tonight. chocolate dipping lessons - i knew that would be too much for me, so here i am in the silence - no distractions - but just fingers away... talking on the phone, listening to a podcast, reading other's blogs, even cleaning looks more attractive than admitting that i'm afraid right now.

afraid of what? i'm so out of touch with my own thoughts i don't really know. i've gotten so good at helping liam process out his own thoughts they have become a smoke screen. for years he rode the coat-tails of my recovery and soul-work... now i'm riding his.

the counsellor friend who moved to town isn't taking clients - so i emailed the counsellor who is on staff at the church and the university. he is such a kind, soft-spoken man. i have gotten to know him a bit better since i judged him too soft to help me. i determined early that he would be put off by my personality. i have since found out more about his sense of humor, his passion for justice, his heart for the down-trodden and the underdog. i just emailed him asking to begin living 'the examined life' again.

it's my heart's cry. my deep need. hopefully it will begin soon. it's just far too easy to get distracted. it's more fun to get distracted. live like i have no problems, no worries, no fears. i guess i have found some words, but now that i have i want to run to those distractions - uncovering the fear makes me want to flee. being present to the emotions without distraction isn't something i feel up to right now.

well, i guess burying myself in a good book isn't such a bad thing, right?

1 comment:

Kristin said...

I'm feeling a lot like this, too, Bobbie. I wonder if all the hard work of inner healing sometimes requires us to surface for seasons, and that sometimes even what feels like avoidance in the negative sense is just fine, and just what we need in order to have energy again for the work that lies ahead. Here's wishing you much energy for whatever the coming weeks hold!