i'm typing in my lap on the laptop my hubby has just been given by a friend, a dear, dear friend. he saw the need in liam to have a tool for his graphics and art and this is it. he switched to a mac a bit ago and this was just 'there'. he really wanted to sell it - but just felt burdened to give it to liam. what generosity and love.
so i'm in my bedroom typing - this feels so weird.
i awoke with the lyrics to the superchick song in my head:
we live, we love,
we forgive and never give up
cause days we are given are gifts from above
and today we remember to live and to love.
this is such a gift. having my dad and aunt here. god orchestrated this one.
my dad and i are traversing new territory. he can see and feel the changes in me. he isn't a very conversational man. if you get him talking about history or subjects he knows and loves (hunting, fishing, sports...) he will chat your ears off (minnesota language systems - garrison keillor) but to just sit and be present and engage in a conversation - very unheard of. he asks questions sometimes which shows he wants to engage but doesn't really know how.
he's been trying to 'define me' (or redefine??) and has been asking
(okay i'm back on my trusty old compy - there must have been a shortcut on the laptop keyboard because it kept publishing my blog... i only have a small window to blog in this a.m. so i want to get it all out)
he's been asking me if i'm going to get a job at a pharmacy, or as a secretary (like i always have)- i finally had to say 'i've decided dad that since they'll let me serve here at this church, and there is so much in this area that needs done, i'm going to be doing kingdom work every chance i get'
then later yesterday he said 'so, you're taking classes too, right? are you going to get a counseling degree?'
i said 'no dad, these people believe women can minister too and i will have a masters in ministry and be pastoring a church with liam when this is done.'
what happened inside of my body when i said those words was something that never happened before. blood rushed into my head, i felt dizzy and floaty and exhilarated and terrified. i never realized before that i have NEVER so clearly stated to my father my call, my gifts and my passion. my aunt was sitting there (orchestrated by god for moral support) and my dad didn't say much after that. it's not uncommon for him to leave responses to his questions lie. as i said above he's not much of a conversationalist. he just sat there for a minute and then went upstairs.
i told my aunt about what happened in my body when i said those words. how i had never spoken up for myself with him before. i honestly never realized it. i would have thought i had passed this ground before - but i hadn't. never. afterward i felt like i should go up and apologize to him. i told my aunt that and she said 'for what?' - i realized i spoke my truth in love, i didn't disrespect him, but i didn't cow-tow to his belief system either. this was a huge step for me.
he came down later just like nothing had transpired. which too is par for the course. but not my course. never my course again. i'm not playing that game ever again.
he can look at me and see how much healthier, happier and content i am here. he knows it. he can sense it in his bones. deep within him is calling to deep within me - i have found my deep (well some of it at least). and it feels so good. i have verbalized my call. i hope to be able to unwrap it a bit for him - but if i don't have the opportunity it will be because of his fear, and not my own.
i thought this morning about him bragging on his kids. he had just come from a family funeral, and a big fishing trip with people from the camp i grew up at - so he had lots of people to 'fill in' in the past month with how his kids are doing. he mentioned yesterday that he hadn't understood liam's job well and didn't explain it well to people. it made me think about what he's going to tell people about me. the circles he runs in are very conservative. i think he'd rather have me backslidden or even doing something as shameful as prostituting myself so he wouldn't have to say 'my daughter is a pastor'... oh the irony is so sweet i can taste it.
my aunt's confirmation of my words was just as sweet - sweeter even. she is so proud of me. she gets it. she knew my mom like her own sister. she knew she was strangled by those beliefs as much as i was. she sees the redemption here even if he can't.
so today i will love my father, appreciate him for all he is and celebrate what i have of our relationship and if given the chance try to blow a bit more air into the balloon of his belief system so he would be more able to appreciate my own.
today we remember to live and to love.