Friday, August 11, 2006

i need pictures

i my last post 'i need words' i was finding it hard to put into words why i'm struggling so lately. i've been coasting and feeling guilty about it. many of you reminded me that it's okay to coast sometimes, but i knew in my soul i was treading into a danger zone and my serenity was busted.

what i didn't realize was that i didn't need words as much as i needed pictures. this morning in the wee hours while laying in bed i was given two images/visions/metaphors that have helped me put how i'm feeling into a bigger picture.

the first one was a large teeter-totter (it had to be large because liam and i were on it!) he at one end and i at the other. in between us there was this gigantic, cumbersome ball - not smooth or sleek - this ball was knotted, twisted and put together from lots of different bits. it almost looked like a huge rubberband ball, but with bits of floss, string and knots added in.

liam was rising to the top and that huge ball started to head toward me as i crashed to the bottom of the "totter". not only did i have to deal with the one being 'down' i had this massive ball rolling toward me.

i don't know if this is true in any other marriages (co-dependency?) but there is this large mass of psychic energy (not like 'psychic-network psychic - but all of the unsaid, unwound, undealt with gunk that floats in our lives) that swirls in our relationship. somehow only one of us can be healthy (emotionally and physically, maybe even spiritually) at a time. it is very, very rare that we are actually BOTH working our programs and not having to shoulder this massive ball of mixed up, unwound junk.

i don't know if this is at all clear - but it helped me loads... i confronted liam a couple of weeks ago (since he preached...) that things were off kilter again. he was finding too much of himself 'out there' instead of the centered man i had come to know in the past couple of months. he heard me (gosh he is so gracious) and did a u-turn. he started doing his pages again and got organized at work and really has restored what had started slipping away. (yes, i know it was extremely co-dependent of me to feel it was my responsibility to do so, and that is part of the core of the problem...)

i am now the one who isn't writing, who is slipping in her program, who isn't 'THE HEALTHY ONE'... i am shouldering the 'ball' and feeling the weight of the unexamined life. HA! it feels like i've been given a key, or at least motivation! balance is so crucial in my/our life. i have been pouting this week because i haven't been able to participate in much of the festivities this week here in town (cocoa - don't want to blog the name here because it's too easy to find...). feeling left out and alone while everyone else gets to go play with 'the devil'. it just triggered far too much.

so instead of being sad today while they do all of the 'fun stuff' i am going to enjoy my re-arranged altar, light some candles and spend some much needed time alone with god, my journal and the guide i've been using (so very slowly...). it might not restore all of the balance, but it will give me some centering time.

the second image i was given was of a piece of bread floating on the water. it was so calm, so peaceful - and then fish started coming up and picking at it, ducks and gulls flew in and started to peck at it - and parts of it were disappearing and holes were starting to appear.

a soggy, floating, picked apart piece of bread... that's how i feel. i've said 'yes' to too many things that are nebulous and undefined lately. all good things, but i have no clear understanding of what i'm supposed to be doing to help. assisting a friend launch a huge new program at the university, taking a casual job as a personal assistant to a computer/blogging whiz here in town, editing a book of a good friend, committing to the south africa trip and all of it's fund-raising necessities - all very undefined parameters. there just isn't enough of 'me' to go around.

then there are the realities of life. my roles as a woman, wife, mother, sister, daughter, niece are all coming into play:
  • as i ready my kids (and myself & husband) for school in 25 days (YAY!!)
  • the unbalanced role i play helping liam with his job
  • my children have morphed into tweens before my eyes this summer and i am rejoicing/grieving the changes without the time to truly do so
  • my sister and her husband were in the horrible mess of the flooding, he is jobless, his unemployment checks have just ended and now he has injured himself on his 4-wheeler so he is unable to work - she is as physically unhealthy as she's ever been and they are now considering going on welfare to get through this (while living on the tippy top of a mountain with their 10 mo. old daughter (off the grid... how do you haul water and wood to prepare for winter when you have crushed a vertebrae in your back???)
  • my father and favorite aunt will be here in 6 days for TWO WEEKS in our lovely efficient apartment - which for the four of us works well - but for SIX of us it will need to be an orchestration of grace and energy.
  • all during my favorite TIME OF THE MONTH... sigh.
well - i guess i needed to list all of that out more than you probably had to read it - but it has helped me to see why i'm feeling so pecked at and pulled apart. i take on far too much responsibility (even without being asked to do so) than i should for each and every one of these things, but they just creep up on me, pecking away at my energy and soul. i guess i have let my boundaries get really soggy in all of this somehow... why is it that we can't see this happen? wouldn't it be amazing if we had flags that popped up to remind us that we are allowing these things to happen? i guess that is why we (I) need serenity and the clarity that recovery brings to see those psychic red flags that are there, but i'm just too clouded to see them...

thanks for reading, i really needed to get these word pictures out of my head and process them a bit 'on paper'. blessings on your day!

1 comment:

Laura said...

Look at the bright side: at least your father and aunt will be LEAVING after 14 days!

I kinda wish my blog were anonymous so I could blog my marriage woes. We are so co-dependent. Thanks for sharing yours. It helps to know others are working through similar struggles.