day 37 - too much

that article i blogged about the other day is doing it's work on me, slowing peeling back layers and showing me places that have long needed attention.

even here i am giving away too much.  i have never known it before, or understood its affect on me, but even here i see how exposed i have made myself - how i strip myself of boundaries and safety and self respect all under the guise that it might help someone if it helped me. 

this thread started to reveal itself at the beginning of lent when i saw my spiritual director after i had walked a labyrinth right before i became so sick.  i wish i had a better memory of what happened, what we talked about, but the gist of my memory is that i realized that far too often i give away what i have received far too quickly that i don't allow myself the ability to own it first.  the metaphor that came up was the idea of harvesting all of my fruit and giving it away without barely getting to enjoy it myself.  she counseled that if i was able to enjoy the fruit i would have seeds to plant for future crops and that would be the time to share.

it was almost like we/i (and i take this into the we or our marriage and our inability to build a financial safety net around ourselves too) was never able to plant the orchard that would continue to feed me and mine, and more because i was being over generous at the wrong time. 

re-reading that thought in a much more explicit manner in the article brought it home as to how it affected those i was giving to - and not just how it affected me.

i am still so overjoyed to have this knowledge revealed to me.  i have prayed for it for years.  i don't know that it has ever been a thought ever introduced into my thinking any time prior to this - it felt like the first time i ever heard the term "compulsive overeater" - the light turned on and i now was able to give a name to my monster.

it was a rumpelstiltskin moment to be sure.