so much richness in the comments of my last post. thank you. i have missed this online give and take very much.
sonja mentioned that it sounded as if one of the legs of that 4 legged stool had termites - that made me laugh out loud! god bless you sonja! we have been apart intentionally from these folks - as we all decided as a group to disband - it was the "re-banding" without us that hurt so badly. but termites is exactly the metaphor for this situation - i do feel hollowed out from this - and i know that a 3 legged stool will stand on its own - but how i long for that healthy new wood to be formed and brought into support the other three.
patchouli said ""pissed" has some power; peace has life." - peace, perfect peace. elusive peace...
i realized after typing the last post that i had taken on a new unhealthy addiction - the compulsive and obsessive thoughts around these relationships were not letting me go. writing about it took away some of their power - but it has taken a very intentional effort to not let this keep consuming me.
can i say again how very sick and tired i am of this morphing my addiction does? how unidentified it slides its way into my day like a seed into a crack and begins to innocently grow until it needs fed and watered and starts to take hold in uncomfortable places. SO BLOODY SICK OF THIS.
feed me seymour...
i am handling this like i would handle temptation to obsess about sex or food - when i realize my head is in that space i take it captive and evict it from my head. just wish i could figure out why that crack is there in the first place and spackle it up... maybe a mosaic patch would be more artistic?
anyway - i'm keeping the lights on and calling my orkin man and we're going to deal with these termites once and for all :D
1 comment:
Bobbie ... like you, I have been struggling with how to tell a story that is mine and yet not mine in many places. This struggle has in large part silenced me and stopped the words. I will be praying for clarity for both of us in the New Year.
I have also been alone and watched while a community that I long for regroups and continues to "have fun without me" ... it creates a terrible ache, longing, sadness inside that nothing can assuage. I have longed for something replace that wood for three years now and there has been nothing. Please know that I empathize with your hurt. My only solace is that I am beginning to understand the journey that Gandalf went on when he went from grey to white ... for what little that is worth.
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