Monday, May 24, 2004

finding my voice...

i am a woman, i am called, i am finding my way to reclaim what has been lost, and redeem the time i have left. i am 38 years old. bobbie died at 43, that’s too young to die. she died with no voice in the church. silent and confused that the god who created her would gift her and refuse to allow her to use those gifts. how sad. even her writing wasn’t her voice. she tried to cram herself into the picture of what the church told her she should look like and it made her very angry and very sad. i long to fulfill her call and my own, to use my voice, that sounds so much like her’s, and the face that daily becomes more similar to her’s. the resentment that i felt toward her is being replaced as daily i grow closer to understand how difficult it was to be a woman in that tight, restrictive church.

god made her for great things. the kingdom of God lost out because my mother was kept from using her voice. god is replacing the anger and misunderstanding I had felt toward her because of the confusion of what a woman is supposed to look like, supposed to be.

as i learn to love her again i learn to love myself, and to understand myself more, is to understand her. i’m grieving again for her loss, for her early death. for the years of anger i had toward her for seeing so much of myself in her. but now understanding more about the damage done i long for her voice in my own life again, and i miss her deeply.

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