Thursday, December 09, 2004

the gift of choice

i received a surprise yesterday. a present. smack dab in the middle of hunting season liam chose to take a day off of work, not to hunt, but to spend it with me. i know to many that won't seem like any great shakes, but to me it was the best present i have ever received.

you see, my love language is time, but my dialect in that language is time freely given, with no strings and not asked for - that's when it's truly special. if i have to ask, or if there is hesitation in the choice, somehow that just negates the eventual choice. yes, i know, it's selfish, to request or require that love be spoken under such stringent requirements, but know it's never demanded, it's rarely even identified.

i receive love in other ways too, but this, this is what touches that part of my soul that hides like that young girl, under the bed crying and so wanting to be reassured. this is the love that was spoken to my soul yesterday. it was so rich, so right, so deep and so needed. i didn't even realize how needed it truly was.

you picked me. just for me. not for what i can do for you, not to win anything or score any points. you picked me. when i realized this we were standing in the hallway. you held me as i wept. it so completely filled that insecure place in my heart that was convinced that no one would ever understand this or choose me. i was heard. i was validated. i was accepted, for everything i am, and nothing i have to be.

it was spiritual. i never really understood how very much god loved me this way too. not for what i can do for him, or make myself into. just for me, in that deep spot of my soul no one ever sees. liam saw that spot and surprised me with the choice of time. without asking, without expecting anything in return. just to be with me.

i just needed to remember this. to mark it down so that when the fears come, as i know they will, i can chase them away with this memory. i am loved. i am chosen. freely given, freely received. thank you liam. i love you too.

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