Monday, July 24, 2006

a clue about company-itis

as a woman in the church i have borne much shame about my lack of gifting in the area of hospitality. i wasn't raised in a home where hospitality was really practiced because of my mother's illness, so it doesn't come naturally to me.

having my inlaws here last week and managing much better than i have ever done in the past was encouraging, but by the end i was absolutely exhausted and really frustrated (ashamed) with myself for it not being stress-free and effortless like some women seem able to manage.

i have figured out one of the reasons for my 'company-itis'. being a compulsive overeater i spent years of my life obsessing over food. during the recovery i've had in the past 5+ years i have learned to set that obession aside. it's difficult to parent/housewife sometimes because of this but we all seem to manage. until company comes.

i found last week i felt like i was running a restaurant. all i did some days was cook, clean up, plan and cook again... company forces me to obsess about food again. i know that having an 'eating plan' is a healthy step in recovery for OA, and it's one that i've never mastered. it just seems to bring my mind conastantly back to food - but it's probably a lie - and once i really did it i'd probably find i thought about food much less in the long run. i just can't seem to get to a place where i take the time to plan and get organized enough for it to flow instead of always looking like work.

my father and favorite aunt will be coming in mid-august. i am now preparing for this mentally. they are much easier to host, a. because my father has lived with us and knows that i can be a bit psycho at times... and b. my aunt is an amazing cook and she will take some of the burden off of me (which liam's mom didn't do at all). but i really want to learn from last week and build on it. so i am attempting to really feel the feelings of inadequacy and shame, keep was is real, set the rest aside and learn from it all so that i can stand on-top of the experience instead of being buried by it.

hope your day finds you all well!

5 comments:

Amy A. said...

Please don't be shamed. We all have our gifts and this isn't one of yours. But you offer it anyway and that must make God happy.

There's always going to be something we aren't good at, but that God wants us to do anyway. I think that's okay.

Keep it simple. People can make their own sandwhiches. I'm sure the visit is more important than fancy meals. Take your aunt up on all the cooking she wants to do, and then sit there and visit with her while she does it. That's fun!

Sounds like you did a fine job even if you were exhausted by the end. Hope your next visit leaves you refreshed.

bobbie said...

thank you amy! it helps to give myself permission to just 'be'. your encouragement means a lot to me!

david said...

your words are so honest, vulnerable, and raw . . . thanks for making this sacrifice . . .

david said...

your words are so honest, vulnerable, and raw . . . thanks for making this sacrifice . . .

steph said...

I have read this over a couple of times Bobbie and while you know how much I love to create, I am not sure sacred space is about the "culinary art" as much as it is about being very present. I will write more on this today, but I feel if we are present with our senses awake and alive we can serve only crackers and cheese or a slice of bread and cup of coffee and it can be a banquet to be always remembered.
I look forward to chatting more with you on this subject as I continue my writing project.