Thursday, July 13, 2006

familiar feelings

for the past few days i have shut down. since i've been taking the magnesium i have been sleeping like the dead, and making up for years of interrupted sleep. the heat and 'free floating anxiety' have just stopped me in my tracks.

trying to put my finger on the emotions when they become so overwhelming is difficult. i spend much of the time beating myself up for being overwhelmed and trying to figure out what has stalled me.

last friday my mother-in-law called and said 'oh dear, i know we were talking about coming down at the end of the month/beginning of aug. but we've been talking - how does the 13th sound for you?" you mean THURSDAY?? sigh. forward thinking isn't one of her strong suits. it actually works out fine, so they are driving today to arrive this late this evening.

so for some time i had assumed it was just overwhelming that i was having company and my 'space' was going to be invaded. they are truly the easiest of company. no cleaning necessary and so laid back. she'll even help me sew my curtains while she's here.

then i realized that i was feeling some real familiar emotions that i didn't like at all. liam is teaching on sunday. once i put my finger on that issue everything opened up and made sense. i have totally backed off and allowed his capable self to manage things. he's not overworking so he really has time to do this. it's been hard not to be overly involved, but i know that the fear of 'representing' and putting our best face on is what drives my need to make sure he hasn't forgotten anything or try to steer the cart in the direction "i think it should go". i've been proud of myself for not being overly involved.

but we're getting down to the wire - and now with his parents coming it will eat up any contemplative time he might have otherwise taken. and i know that the stress of 'sunday' will begin to build - and i don't like to do emotions in public. feeling watched/judged is a big fear of mine. i make up what people are thinking and become suspicious and paranoid.

i also realized that this is a level of engaging into the community that i'm really not comfortable with. i have a deep seated fear of institutions. i have not been treated well by them. this church is about as 'institutional-less' as you can get, but there is still a 'belonging' that happens, and if you belong, you can be rejected. and the fear of rejection is a bit more than i can bear right now.

that pushes my co-dependent buttons and makes me want to spit and polish liam and his notes in a last ditch effort to make sure we won't be rejected. oh it pains me to type this. i hate that this all matters to me. i know it's uncovered a huge sore on my soul. the wounding of the past churches has truly left me shell-shocked. i want to run free, not have anything required of me and not have any ties that could hurt me again. but deep down i know that isn't the answer. no community or intimacy is not how we were meant to live. so being present to these emotions is where i sit this morning. trying to feel them without them pushing me into my addictions and co-addictions. damn. pretending is so much more fun.

pray for me. it's going to be a scorcher weekend here. this space already feels a bit tight when it's hot and the kids are home. throw in a couple more people and i'm sure it's going to tempt me to bolt. i guess heading to the ocean will drop the temperature and the open space will do us all good.

on a side note, we went to the island the other day and as i sat with my family at the lighthouse and watched the sea i had a long-time prayer answered. i got to see 8 whale backs surface. i will be posting about this on my other blog sometime this weekend. whales and i have a long history that i didn't understand and i am starting to put the pieces together. it was a sacred time indeed. have a great day!

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