Thursday, May 08, 2008

fear factor

okay, i've just finished the post on my other blog about my day yesterday. and i'm having a lot of fear. i haven't owned this much of my own story and personal writing "in public" and under my own name before and it's freaking me out.

dang.

i know that this is a huge part of why i'm stalled lately. my fear of rejection and judgment is massive.

yesterday was so personal. so important. it would have been so natural to write about it here where i am safe. with all of you. the people who get it. the people who know me without knowing me. but there. there anyone could read it. there people from my past lives can access it. it's fed into my facebook profile. what have i done?

dang.

tears are streaming down my face. the temptation to delete it and repost it here is huge.

it's not like i've taken my clothes off and pranced around for all to see, but it really feels like i've left part of me there for people who "know/know" me to see. and judge. and reject. and talk about amongst themselves. leaving me out. and judging me. and saying mean things. and dang. why is this so hard?

why is being me so much easier to do when no one is looking?

7 comments:

Barb said...

Bobbie, I never made the connection. I'm sorry for the fear today. I hate fear. It is so the opposite of Love and Grace. Peace be with you today.

renee altson said...

you have no idea how much i understand this... and have also experienced those feelings of fear and vulnerability. decide what you need too, my friend. there is no wrong decision here.

bobbie said...

hey barb - so glad you've made the connection today! :)

renee - first - omg - love your hair! i'm headed to your facebook to see your new photo - hopefully you've changed it there too??

thank you - i decided to leave it up and am happy with the piece, it's just way more vulnerable than i've been under my own name... but it's time to break through this fear and begin to own more of myself in public...

Marc said...

Here's the thing about what you think other people are thinking about you. It's still your perception. Ninety percent of the time, you don't really know what they are thinking, and more often than not, it is a projection of your fears.
I went from a life of lies to a life of no secrets. None. I live in the light. I also don't do anything I'm ashamed of--obviously that helps.
Just remember, those who judge don't care. Those who care, don't judge.
And you have a decision to make everyday. Am I going to live my live based on what you think of me, or what I think of me?
Because what they think of you is really none of your business. (The HARDEST thing in the world to accept, but when you do, it's heaven)

bobbie said...

Thank you Marc!

I really have no secrets either, as I'd tell my story to anyone who'd care to ask - but there is still something so inordinately powerful for me about male opinion.

I came from a horrible sect of small minded fundamentalists that said women are subservient and inconsequential. Voicing things "out loud" is still so very difficult for me - even in a safe place.

I think the hardest part is that I fear they will be able to bully me out of myself again. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's a strong compulsion to protect these tender shoots so that their big, stupid feet don't squash them.

I know that I will soon be strong enough with practice, and this post on my other blog (btw - I have commented on your blog under my "real name" too, I was the one who told you about etsy) is the beginning of that process.

I will "Because what they think of you is really none of your business." as my new mantra! Thank you again!

anj said...

I am thrilled you were able to write it, and then to leave it up. What does it feel like now?

bobbie said...

it feels good - but still strange as i always wonder who had read it. it is so strange to me that no men have commented on it at all - i wonder if it feels "anti-male"?

i am trying to noodle out what's next too. i'm sure the spirit will tell me and i don't have to think so hard about it.

thank you so much for your words, both here and there anj - they mean so much to me!