Sunday, May 15, 2005

grid blog :: pentecost 2005

pentecost 2005

ah, the day of pentecost. i have lived my whole christian life jealous of that time of church history. i grew up with the teaching that the holy spirit was the 'add on' to the trinity. kind of like jiminy cricket on your shoulder, making you feel guilty, and 'illuminating scripture' whatever that was supposed to mean. so very little of my training and teaching ever came close to any type of real truth on that great wind that indwells me.

it has probably only been in the past year that i have truly began to explore what indeed worship of the holy spirit and the role it plays in my life. 'it' is such an impersonal pronoun, but i just can't seem to use 'he' - it just doesn't fit - and i know if i use 'she' i will be stoned as a heretic, even though the feminine is used to describe 'it' in the biblical narrative.

last pentecost the emergent kiwi used pumice stone soaked in some flamable liquid and used it during his service - i was jealous of that church history too. i wish this could be the type of post that ranted and raved of the amazing intimacy i have with the holy one, that i had a grasp of what all of that means in my life, but i'm too painfully honest to lie to you all. i long for nothing more, but live in a world that is sadly negligent toward this person of the godhead.

between ministries at our last church and this one, and during a few other stages of my life i have desperately prayed to be given 'spirit gifts' - and went to vineyard churches and even 'the airport' for a bit of the blessing to fall fresh on me. i begged god to visit me in miraculous ways, to heal me, to give me the gift of tongues, to do anything that would be marvelous and evidence of his love for me. nothing happened. i was shoved to the floor a couple of times and landed in tears, not because i was moved by the spirit, but because again there was nothing moving. i'm not judging anyone else's faith walk, i just know i've never wanted anything more in my life and been so disappointed when it didn't work for me.

since that time i have found that it is through stillness and meditation that i am given glimpses of the spirit. those quiet times when the inner teacher appears in my life. the path is definately one that i would like to change, and to be more dramatic and active, but it seems i don't get to make the rules. so in stillness and in quiet the inner teacher comes, not as jiminy cricket, but as a gentle guide, a nudge, an inner voice that clears the fog, makes way where there was no way before or just reassures me of the place where my feet must walk.

i long for tongues of fire, powerful, showy gifts and lots of evidence. i am given a gentle breeze that i miss if i don't take the time to quiet my soul. i know that the inner teacher does illuminate and bring light to dark places, and for now, that is enough.

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