while at the new york times website yesterday i noted the link called 'corrections' on their sidebar. wouldn't it be great if all the mistakes we make in life could just be cleared up in a tiny unnoticeable corner of our blog? if anyone cared to look they could see our mistakes and our confessions, but if they didn't they would pass by unnoticed and with far less humility than it takes to own our blunders to the people we have injured or grieved.
i have felt lately like my size 11 feet have trampled and distressed all of those around me. (and really there aren't many, i've been living a pretty isolated life lately, but still have stepped in it far too many times for my liking.)
i received a phone call from the worship pastor's wife last night. she has been the real true friend from around here in all of this who has stuck by me, reached out and listened to me kvetch and moan about all of the struggle. we are kindred in our dysfunction, family junk and take on life. she asked 'hey, god had you on my heart all of yesterday so i just had to call and ask why?"
i was reduced to tears in a matter of minutes pouring out my fear that if i can't even live in this isolated community without stepping in it at every turn, how am i ever going to live in the kind of community my heart longs to dwell? it is one of my biggest fears in this move. what if they don't like me? what if we go all of that way and i still have to pretend i'm somebody i'm not? what if i have to be the wilting female with no opinion just to be included?? i never had that sense while we were there, but oh how it terrifies me to admit this fear.
what if i'm unfit for community?
what if i am the constant square peg looking for that round hole? is it truly going to be the story of my life?
so i have made my corrections, confessed my sins and received forgiveness, but still lurking deep in my heart is the desire to be accepted and loved for who i am when i am my true self. i guess that's all i can do. own my stuff, show my heart and keep trying to live an authentic life as a christ follower. i just am so tired of walking this path with so few beside me.