I wanted to follow up with a post tying up some loose ends surrounding my story. I wanted to emphasize that i really am a fairly average, normal man who had basically a good upbringing and no bizarre occurrences to place me in a *twilight zone* category. I am pretty much like all of you reading here, at a basic level. I have really come to more totally comprehend Paul's statement that no temptation happens to any of us which is special or unique, we ALL face the same array of trapdoors. This really helps to make it so we can all relate to one another in our common struggles,though the specifics may widely vary.
I believe my family background played a significant role in my issues. My dad's mother was an alcoholic and very much like an agoraphobic. She liked boys more than girls and treated me as her favorite, being extremely over-protective and sought ways to have me rely on her for protection and emotional needs. My mom was raised by her aunt and uncle, her mother choosing not to raise her, her father an alcoholic and she was molested by her uncle at a young age. Her family was emotionally distant let alone the trust issues she faced because of her uncle.
I have a very hard time recalling things about my dad. i can remember snapshots but that's about it. I was always surrounded by women after he died, most all my teachers in school were women. My most significant male role model I found was my theater teacher in high school with whom i became very close, only to have him die of cancer a year after i graduated. The counselor i spoke of before, we were in process of deepening our sessions together, I had even gone to one of his Masters classes and shared my story with class, more dealing with my fears and relational struggles than anything to do with sexual addiction. Soon after he was killed in a car accident.
Even though all of these men dying were entirely unrelated i think inwardly i felt as though i was bad luck or something. My mom told me once a while after my dad had died i was sitting at the kitchen table and said to her.... *so are you going to leave us soon too?*
I think i turned to sexual release and the immediate gratification it supplied as a means to block out and suppress emotional pain. I think some of my struggle also has to do with a struggle in relating emotionally to my mom seeing how she was dealing internally with pain from her own molestation. Affection and emotional intimacy were very strained due to these factors and i also had no male role model to guide me into dealing with my questions/wondering as to how to deal with what happened once i became a growing maturing boy. I wanted to share also that i have dealt with all this as a single man. I was engaged for a short time, it too was a relationship fraught with emotional distance and tension. I often felt more like a lil boy as opposed to a grown man in dealing with the needs faced as an engaged couple.
I was and have been fully functioning during all this as well. I had friends, I got very involved in theater, was able to relate well socially and was never an outcast in that way. I was able to achieve a perfect gpa in jr college as well as go on and participate in preaching and teaching and doing many leadership activities within the church while having all of these things go on. I was not trying to lead a double-life in anyway, I knew i had issues i struggled with yet i always sought to turn myself best as i could to God and Christ and be as strong a christian as i knew how. Again, not sure just how to label the disconnect fully. I sincerely hope many who read here will find something that resonates within themselves to allow God to bring healing and wholeness. i know He is using the opportunity to openly share myself for just that purpose. Rich blessings and growing peace be yours!!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
joe's story - part three
here's joe's story - part three: