joe's part two:
I never really had a problem with porn per se such as magazines or movies. For me it was more a mental/imaginative thing as well as oral/sounds. I pretty much kept things under wraps all through Bible College, had a few dates but again didnt know how to have a regular relationship with normal romantic approaches. A counselor i began seeing said he thought my biggest fear was of women and being rejected by them.
The *bait* of fantasy is that you NEVER have to be rejected cuz you CONTROL the entire scenario. Shortly after graduating Bible College I saw an ad in the back of the paper for massage. It was outcall. I called and made the appt. The girl arrived and proceeded to give me a massage with oil i had NEVER been touched that way by a female and it made my insides as well as my brain feel like the 4th of july. I wanted more of that feeling, just like a drug high. I soon called an escort service as well as began to go to massage parlors, all so i could re-experience that sensation of being *touched* by a female.
Most of the times with escorts i ended up having them leave with not doing too much, my guilt overcame the pleasure rush i had wanted to have. To show my naivete i even said to one escort *guess i can't call you to just see you and go out again can I???* I was seeking something physically that could only be experienced spiritually, that genuine intimacy and love only God can provide. I think I do fit the definition in a small way of being psychotic because i DID try and repeat the same thing over and over seeking a different result.
I made a decision to go to seminary, far away from where i lived, hoping for a fresh start. Things went very well and i really enjoyed it. I began to go on interviews to be a youth minister and was hired by a small church. I would go down on friday and spend the weekend coming back to seminary on monday. I really liked the congregation and the sr minister as well as the kids in the youth group. I ran into a problem of feeling in over my head though and let my insecurities over feeling inadequate and stuff to rampage thru my mind.
As i sat in my room on a saturday waiting for sunday to come, I called a phone sex line in california i had called while living there. Before i knew it several hours had gone by and I had made a LOT of calls to that line!!!! This was also on a night before i was to preach the next day.
In a few weeks I was told by the sr minister they had recieved the phone bill and checked out the number. i was asked to resign. I had been there a lil over 2 months. The dean of the seminary had me meet before a group of faculty and i was given probation as well as told to enter counseling, he said that such an occurrence was death to anyone seeking to be in ministry. I entered counseling, really had a hard time still uncovering the emotional core behind my addiction/compulsion.
I later that summer recieved a chance to work as a counselor at a group home for abused kids. I worked all through the summer, it was a intensive job emotionally, had to restrain kids all the time, as well as deal with their struggles and pain emotionally/relationally. Once again as a means to escape my stress and feelings of inadequacy, i called that same phone sex line in california. They recieved the bill and i was fired. One thing that struck me odd though was when the group homes director fired me, he asked if i was planning to hurt myself, intimating suicide, i said no... and he just left not saying anything else. I soon dropped out of seminary and moved back to california feeling like i had totally disgraced my church home, the seminary my family not to mention God!!!!
More to follow soon, One thing i want to add, my guilt and shame were even more deepened because in Bible College i had roomed with an atheist, and he had told my head resident, who was doing his masters thesis on atheism. that i was the best example of a christian that he had seen. This is what eats at me even now still as i share my story.... how could I commit such sin having been a christian for so long and a very committed one let alone one seeking to be a minister???? Thank you bobbie for letting me share. Thank you all for reading and any comments/thoughts/wisdom you might have.