Wednesday, December 13, 2006

slow slide

i have beens struggling lately. there i've said it.

i am sad. i knew it was coming. whenever i have great highs i have great lows. i am low.

low always makes me scared. will this be the final descent into the big black hole, or is this just a rebalancing of the scales because of last month? i never know. so to embrace it seems silly. to sit with it and be present to it makes me a bit panicky and so i push it away until my arms are so tired i can do it no longer.

so today i sit, with tired arms wondering what it will look like to embrace the emotions. face those things i have been holding at arms length.

my counselor asked me yesterday "you have unlocked a lot of big issues lately. do you ever take a break, or get tired?" crap. that opened up a great big hole. i acknowledged that i can be as compulsive about 'getting healthy' as i can about other things in my life. he asked what sabbath looked like for me. my life is pretty laid back. little is required of me (and i can't seem to even manage that well since we got back from cincy) so taking a break, allowing myself to just be? i feel like i'm "being" a whole lot more than the others around me. but he's right.

i need a break. carnes calls them 'gentleness breaks' - and i haven't had one in quite some time. i told my counselor that fear is running a lot of my life right now. that i fear if i'm not moving forward in my recovery that i'm sliding backward. that black hole is like a thumb in my back. i miss serenity. i've been white knuckling my recovery for far too long. how i wish there was a group that fit my issues around here. i am in great need of some 12 step people.

so maybe today i will sit and create. make that collage i have been pondering for months now. or draw with my new pastels that my dear sweet friend sent me. gentleness. mothering myself for a change. even though the apartment is in shambles, i will try to stop shaming myself and just be.


Tracy said...

sending prayers and love from ohio

Sarah Louise said...

sending love! I've been running on empty too, so tonight I'm not going to a Christmas party or even looking in my closet to see who I've bought gifts for. I'm going to eat my dinner and watch a movie. This is a tough time of year to SLOW DOWN, but we must. Thanks for being transparent.

Be still and know that I am God (psalm 46:10)

Anj said...

I love a quote I read in a Nora Robert's book I picked up for a quick read on a long flight. She spoke of growing your own, growing your own mother internally. The nurturing kind who calls us to gentleness breaks. Right now, what gives you life of the truest kind? I love what you wrote here. I will be holding you in the Light.

Shari said...

Sending much positive energy and love your way. Hang in there, sister.

Patchouli said...

Still thinking of you--one gentleness break is not enough!

Robert said...

here is wishing you to give yourself all the TLC you so lavishly extend to others!!! Hope you have fun with the collage and other fun enjoyable activities just to get your breath :)

Suzanna said...

I can relate...prayers offered