disjointed thoughts

the roller coaster of emotions that were this weekend have left me exhausted. i am mentally exhausted from school as i haven't had to think this hard and this much in 20 years. now i am emotionally exhausted too. it is also affecting my sleep, so physically i'm pretty tapped out.

somehow in the calendar of things i miscounted days between cycles and thought for sure that i was supposed to get my period last week (sorry guys) but have since realized (after i panicked at being 4 days LATE) that i jumped a week and it really isn't due until this week. it screws with your head at that point and not just with your body.

pink is the emotional barometer of our home and she is letting us all know that we're not functioning at our peek at the moment. there's a lot of changes taking place this past week, and this week to come and i am so glad that we don't have to pull this off 24-7-365 - we would crash very quickly.

hope reminded me on friday to maintain really good self care through all of this. so instead of getting organized yesterday for this week we went to the coast and beach combed. we all needed it, but we definately paid the price this a.m. for not taking the time to get our act together yesterday... oh well, it's just one more week.

back to the horror. i got an email from my friend yesterday and a facebook prayer update for a support group for her ministry. she is broken to her core. we did not talk, but i spoke with her mentor last night, the woman she is staying with, and she reassured me that she and her daughter are finding peace amidst the storm. i am praying for a big bubble to encompass them and that god will reveal himself to them in a brand new way. the theology of my youth meant that god ordained this to happen - and that sick twisted version of god will never get her through this. he was also a silent god - so i am praying that he breaks through that too.

there is a memorial service on saturday. it would allow me to finish this week at school and maybe get to toronto. i'm overwhelmed just thinking about this right now. the financial implications and family implications are great, but i'm leaning toward knowing it is important i am there. i'll know more soon.

the ickiest part of all of this is that it has raked up my own story and my own anger and rage. i have spent the weekend with a face to loathe, with a person to hate and it has brought me to a very ugly place. hope's reminder helped so much because i realized as i was tempted, more tempted to give in to my addictions that i think i have been in years that choosing that path could wind me up into exactly what he had become. there but for the grace of god go i. the shame and rage i feel toward myself in the middle of my addiction could so easily turn me violent. 8 years ago it could have been me.

so the muck of it all brings me back to today. just for today. god save me from myself. i am powerless to do it on my own. just for today.

thank you for your prayers.