Saturday, October 13, 2007

it's my birthday and i'll cry if i want to...

no party here. i wanted a low key weekend before we start school on monday. just not nearly this low key. i am not the kind of person who needs presents and gush, i just like to be remembered. we have a family tradition in our home for the choice of a big breakfast. it's something that we always do. liam had a discussion with the kids on thursday night while i was at my OA meeting and they decided that greek food would be a great thing to make for my birthday too. i don't do cake, so a real meal is a nice surprise for me. i wouldn't have thought of it or asked for it, but when it was suggested i was grateful.

it happened last night, but with begrudging resentment and passive aggressive attitudes on the part of my husband. he realized too late that the mess he made last night would follow him into this mornings breakfast without the clean up fairy in between. liam is a full participant in family chores and cleaning. nothing is below him and he models this beautifully to our children. i am very blessed. but he makes a huge mess in the kitchen when he cooks and hadn't considered that he was going to have to follow this up this morning with the crepes i requested for my birthday breakfast. he realized at about 10:30 last night that this was going to happen. he's had a long week at work and i knew he was spent. he just didn't realize the emotional impact it would have on me when he asked if the birthday breakfast could be bumped to sunday.

i guess i didn't either. i have spent most of the morning in tears, hating celebrations because they are usually a disappointment to me. somehow i think that maybe this year i will be understood and somehow remembered and honored as i hoped to be. again, even the conversations i had with myself this past week didn't prepare me enough for the disappointment i felt deep within that my father didn't call or send a card. that my mom was gone and that our family tradition was being bumped a day. i've never been good at holding things back. never. if i feel it i can't hide it. curse or gift, i'm not sure most of the time, but i wear my emotions on my outsides most of the time. so everyone knew i was sad and a bit hurt.

feeling the emotions and processing them with liam, my sister on the phone when she called, and even here are really the best gift i can give myself today. such clues into that child of my early years. i told liam about those birthdays that play so deeply in my story. those hurtful times i remember so vividly. i don't know why they are the ones imprinted on my memory, but they are clues to how i feel about myself today. i hate myself sometimes because i'm just not able to muscle through things and suck it up. but for today i need to be okay with that. it is my birthday and i have cried. feeling my feelings and owning them is the gift i give myself today. happy 42nd birthday self.

5 comments:

Patchouli said...

sister autumnbaby~~~

I hear you. I feel you.

Sarah Louise said...

Happy birthday!! I don't generally feel this way about birthdays, it's Christmas that gets me in this blue mood.

Deb said...

Happy Birthday!! I'm sorry the day has been painful. Allowing yourself to feel things as they truly are is a wonderful gift to give yourself...even when the feelings hurt.

I wish I could celebrate with you in person.

Love you!

judilynn said...

I really like what Deb said so I would like to echo that and also wish you a Very Happy Birthday from me. I always felt that birth days were meant to be honored and the birtday person should be treated special on that day. Sad to say my birth family never caught on so in later years I started inviting them to my birthday meal for me - not something I am recommending, by the way!

gracie said...

Happy Blue42 Birthday... this is the day that God decided the world would be a better place with you in it!!!
And He clearly still thinks so... cos, tears or laughter, you're still here!!!