where the rubber hits the road...

remember last week when i said that sitting with empty wasn't the hardest thing i had done and that i figured it was going to get a bit more difficult. well... it has.

i have lost my five pounds of comfort/safety fat and am feeling sexual and feminine again AND (and this is a HUGE AND) my son buck is starting to show signs of something being REALLY WRONG with him physically.

i have always known how blessed we are to have healthy kids. i have watched good friends sit with their own when they are not well and i have regularly counted myself in the "lucky" column on this front. but for the past couple of weeks i have watched as my son adds to the list of symptoms that culminated last night with me scratching his back and feeling his spine and his ribs through his shirt. i had noticed his face had thinned out a lot recently, but chalked it up to a height shift that moves the weight around. it's winter, his clothes are fuller and i honestly can't say that i noticed anything other than that until last night. he's nine. he's growing. but last night i realized when i felt his back that he was loosing weight and not gaining height. i sent him to the scale with directions to call me if his weight was below his marker. 7 lbs! gasp. nine year old boys don't loose seven pounds unless there is something wrong.

i said last week that his uptake in fluids made me concerned as my father is type I diabetic, and it is hereditary (skipping every other generation) - liam brushed me off and i knew that if it was true it wouldn't be the only symptom. the weight loss shows me i'm probably on the right track. liam still thinks i'm making something out of nothing. i know in my heart of hearts i'm not.

these past few nights have been hard not to let my imagination go down some really ugly paths and to stop my anxiety from overtaking my serenity. it's not that diabetes would be the end of the world. i know leaps and bounds have been made in treatment and it is a truly manageable disease. it's the lack of doctors here in this corner of canada that really has me bothered.

buck is the most responsible 9 year old i've ever known. he rarely needs reminded to do anything that he is asked. he is self aware and incredibly confident in asking for what he needs, identifying boundaries that are crossed and explaining himself. i have no doubt that this will be something he can live with and live well with. i just have a concern that he won't get the medical care he will need to face this here.

it is truly my only complaint about living here. this isn't a social medicine thing. i have had the best medical care of my life in canadian hospitals and from canadian doctors. it is a location thing. there just aren't enough doctors. the only one taking patients at this point is incompetent and i refuse to endure her inadequate care for such a large diagnosis and maintenance regime that is necessary for juvenile diabetes.

so today i am going to begin to change the thing i can change. i am contacting the established doctors in our community who would be capable of treating buck to see if they can find the grace to open their practice to let our family into their care.

it's not my favorite thing in the world to do, but i am up to it. but empty and facing this is going to be a true test of my daily commitment to this new abstinence. just for today, right? just for today.