day 4 - looking for sunshine

woke up this morning with tummy issues, feeling weak, chilled and ready to go back to bed. i have not enjoyed how all of this writing is raking up the debris that had settled. like the aquarium that is beginning to look murkey - sifting through the gravel shows that it's far past time to empty things out and start over. the churning up is necessary, but is triggering me and making me feel more fragile than i have felt in a while...

i hate feeling weak. physically, emotionally, socially. not that anyone does, i know it is not unique to me, i just have so few real skills to cope when i do... so the tank is murkey, and the water needs replaced, i'm drowning in metaphors and finding that i'm hitting the wall with my desire to write. i am forcing myself to be here today. to keep writing, to make an effort. i know it's the right thing to do. the next right thing. i know that spring is coming. green grass, blue skies, warm air. i miss it greatly.

it is only my spiritual disciplines that have kept me from totally going off the rails this winter. 3 meals a day, no snacks, no trigger foods, not participating in any selfish behaviors to self satisfy, journaling every night, reading scripture, prayers from memory, going to meetings. very little of it breaks through, but the program, like a robot, keeps me moving forward. i am thankful.

they say that sunshine is the best disinfectant. bringing this crap out into the light will hopefully reduce it to it's normal size and allow me to see it for what it was, mistakes and learning. we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it...

i remember in the fall my friend tex said that i sounded so good from my fb status updates, i had to admit that it was revenge. i was living well out of revenge. it was honest, but telling everyone about it wasn't. it was shallow and i was doing my best to rub their faces in it. i think that when the energy that had died i realized how little of it was for me. how little of it was penetrating to my core. i had become the very thing i loathed. shallow, competitive, petty and vengeful. the very things i was hurt by. what is it that bono says about your enemies, beware as they will define you? i hadn't had enemies in quite some time.

so on this dreary, melty day i am looking for sunshine, purify, cleanse, bleach me white with your hot, persistent light. i am weary of living my life outside of myself. may the deep heat find the core of my soul and warm it today.