i find that there are things that come into my life that feel larger and more important somehow. like clues. that if i pay close enough attention i will learn something or understand something more clearly. birds, feathers, fire, drowning...and i'm sure there are others, but those are just somethings that seem to be reoccurring themes in my life these past couple of years and i learn to pay attention.
when my enneagram coach used the word "undigested suffering" i knew that this was a theme i needed to pay attention to. it keeps echoing in the strangest of places. walking the labyrinth the other day i'm standing on the path and i look at it and realize it looks like intestines, sorry to be gross, but it's true. it's what i thought of - walking to the center - ingesting, walking out - expressing (to put it gently) - i have been considering this theme every time it surfaces.
these past 24 hours i have been faced with the cruelest stomach bug i think i have endured - only food poisoning has rendered me less able to deal with life, but that seemed to be out of my system more quickly... this lingering plague has left me weak and dizzy, incoherent and unmotivated. i don't get sick often. and when i do i feel very guilty. i'm the caretaker, not the cared for. anyway - as i stood over the sink last night at 1:30 a.m. i realized i was getting the full monty of digestion in all it's glory.
i would gladly pick a more beautiful metaphor or theme to sit with, but this one came on its own, and i know it has much to teach me. this suffering, this undigested suffering has been carried around, stuck, blocking and keeping me from the life i want. it has begun to show itself and i realize most of all that digesting is a natural process. i don't have to work at it, i just need to let it happen. but i must be present for it, i must participate in the process.
i long to be fully healthy again, both from this flu bug and this suffering. i long to have my life back and find the joy of life in the small, beautiful places i was so able to do for so very long.