Monday, February 20, 2006

alone at last...

alone. all alone. me. peace. quiet. sigh.

the temptation to fill the space with noise or distraction is great. i haven't been alone in months. really. i realized a couple of weeks ago that is why my blogging and writing have been crap and non-existent. there is no place to go to be alone and type. the computer is just off the living room, i am much more visible here, so conversations and questions are more frequent. anyone wanting to watch tv becomes fully in my sight and distraction is a powerful thing to my add mind, even when i don't want to participate. rubbing two thoughts together looking for the small flame to catch became such a fleeting thing, and the breeze of distraction snuffed that tiny flame out far too often.

alone brings a lot of fear with it too. loneliness is one of my greatest triggers for my addictions. solitude is a joyous thing, loneliness a burden. the difference lies mostly in my emotional state of being which seems pretty fragile lately too.

i have been having wonderful phone conversations to take the place of blogging as of late. and i explained our emotional state to friends using the tides that are so extreme here in our corner of the world. when the tides are out we are calm, enjoying life and picking through the debris the tide left. it's not denial, but it's a kissing cousin. life seems calm, peaceful and carefree. but then tide returns, we're up to our necks in life, details, and reality. the panic of survival causes us to pull and push at each other in ways that threaten us all.

new friends have told us of the tourists who moor their boats at low tide with insufficient line on their anchors. they return to their boats at high tide and they are vertical in the water. what once was 10' of water is now 50' of water and the lack of preparation threatens to sink their craft.

we are building a boat here. one to ride out the waves, the changes and the tides. it is a process and much of the time we are able to follow the plans, work together and make progress. but sometimes that storm hits, or the wind blows and we are left short of resources and energy and the boat looks as if it will never be completed.

we have made friends though, who are coming along side to help. amazing friends. supportive, knowledgeable, loving friends who have weathered many of these same storms. who can read the tides and help us earn our sea legs. it is a beautiful community, warm, welcoming and full of life. this has been quite a season for our family.

last night at the dinner table we talked about lent. i looked at those i treasure so dearly and said 'you know, i think we've all given up quite enough this year, i think maybe for lent this year we celebrate and honor the sacrifices we have all made since easter last year. maybe this year we remember by creating art, holding space for each other to express our journey here and seeing jesus in our new community and celebrating him there.

i realized after acknowledging the sacrifices of this past year that it was the season of lent last year when everything started to go south for us. i will look forward to marking this anniversary in a different way. so much has changed, we have changed. but our paths have remained the same, the scenery is oh so very different, and this time we're not walking it all alone.

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